(no subject)
I haven't written on here in, oh geez, over a year maybe? I haven't had much to write in happiness and emotional suicide over the past year. Okay that's a lie. I just haven't had the inspiration to actually write down how I feel. I have this weird thing about writing my emotions or what has happened, because if I read over them I know they're true. My latest dilema is with my current boyfriend of two years. I love him with all of my heart, but ever since we started to live together things have been more hectic and ridiculous than ever. He doesn't trust me at all and we sleep under the same roof, in the same bed. I'm starting to get to a point where if this doesn't change or if he doesn't stop doing things that aren't good for our relationship I'm going to have to end it and break his heart for the trillianth time (says he). I'm nineteen. I'm about to be twenty. I'm not ready to get married yet, I still want to finish college, get a career, do some crazy things... I want to live my youth to fullest and I feel like he's holding me back a little. Yet, I care more about him than I do about being a crazy adolescent. I don't want to go hook up with guys or go party all the time, but I would love to go to my best friends house without getting a guilt trip or speech about how much of a whore he thinks she is. We've all messed up, and we're all messed up so how can he judge? I've done more stupid things with him than I ever did with her. If anything he's the bad influence, and she's just the on the ride to talk to me. I feel like I've lost my own reality, myself, what I knew to be true. I used to be my own person and now I don't know who that person is. I feel like I've turned into a cynical bitch and I don't want to be that. I want to be the happy woman I always was. I mean don't get me wrong life has left me jaded so far, but I can get through it. I have up to this point, and I'll keep pushing for what I want and what I feel is right... but what if I push for so long and so hard but I never find it? What if I never find true love? What if I never have a family? What if I never find the right career? What if I fuck up my life and live pay check to pay check? What if... what if? I forgot what music I loved the most (other than worship music)... I loved alternative rock, things that make you want to rock back and fourth... to jump and scream. Songs that echo in your ears. Not even alternative like kid rock shit... more like cartel or underoath, a sky lit drive... screamo. I remember the good old days riding around screaming at the top of my lungs feeling exsaperated from anger and emotion, parking the car and feeling like everything was okay now. I miss my old friends, the ones who were crazy with me. I miss some more than others, some not at all, some too much for who they were... I'm a mess, but I'll figure it out.