you do realize that your abnormal sleeping patterns are helping to perpetuate this bleakness...
hmm, i'm listening to moulin rouge right now-- one day i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday ...why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?
"nobody that really cares for me reads this." you know as well as i do that this couldn't be farther from the truth. [i don't know, perhaps you've got a different kind of i-complex?]
something that i've learned from my sister-- when you say that you can't do something, or say that "this is just who i am and i can't change it", you need to start questioning. "why?" because obviously, whatever you're doing and deciding is not working. you can pull away, chris.
as far as living a double life, i remember when i did that during middle school. and it'd be so grr and bleargh and angst-confusion-aiya and all that, and i remember thinking to myself that i should be awarded the academy award or oscar (hmm, are those two the same?) for being the best actress because i'd always fool everybody. "the scary part is that i just don't know which one is really me." i think that the real you is the life that you want to live. the scariness isn't actually so much in having a double life or triple life or more-than-three-lives-- it's striving for the one that you want to truly call your life, because it's so easy to fall back into the crutch of switching masks depending on the setting.
i don't know if you'll agree with any of this, but this is just my opinion.
the chris singer i know is passionate, troubled, weird, and loving. he's been through a heck of a lot, and yet he always seems to proclaim God's goodness, God's grace. maybe that's a facade, but i believe that a part of him believes what he writes about his blessing of new life. the chris singer i know falls in love easily and sees past first impressions and appearances-- and i think that that kind of compassion comes from the kind of experiences he's gone through himself. hmm, the chris singer i know tries to play nadia's song (that's that one pretty piano piece), but in all honesty, he plays a lot of other songs better. he has had to go-- and is currently going through-- a lot. a whole lotful of lot. the chris singer i know is always hungry. the chris singer i know is probably shaking his head as he reads this, as instances counteracting his supposed "goodness" and "love" are popping into his head-- maybe an argument he had with his dad, or just a wave of frustration and despair as he tries to find meaning in cyberspace. hmm, who knows? the chris singer i know is almost always hanging around, waiting to be asked to help, and sometimes just helping out without being asked at all. true, the chris singer i know isn't enough, whatever it is that "enough" is to him. he's human. but all i know is that he's chris, and i love the singer i know, and i know that God loves him even more, and even more than more simply because he isn't enough. because where would God be if chris was enough?
go to sleep, singer. rain or shine, there's always a brand new day.
hmm, i'm listening to moulin rouge right now--
one day i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday
...why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?
"nobody that really cares for me reads this."
you know as well as i do that this couldn't be farther from the truth.
[i don't know, perhaps you've got a different kind of i-complex?]
something that i've learned from my sister-- when you say that you can't do something, or say that "this is just who i am and i can't change it", you need to start questioning. "why?" because obviously, whatever you're doing and deciding is not working. you can pull away, chris.
as far as living a double life, i remember when i did that during middle school. and it'd be so grr and bleargh and angst-confusion-aiya and all that, and i remember thinking to myself that i should be awarded the academy award or oscar (hmm, are those two the same?) for being the best actress because i'd always fool everybody. "the scary part is that i just don't know which one is really me." i think that the real you is the life that you want to live. the scariness isn't actually so much in having a double life or triple life or more-than-three-lives-- it's striving for the one that you want to truly call your life, because it's so easy to fall back into the crutch of switching masks depending on the setting.
i don't know if you'll agree with any of this, but this is just my opinion.
the chris singer i know is passionate, troubled, weird, and loving. he's been through a heck of a lot, and yet he always seems to proclaim God's goodness, God's grace. maybe that's a facade, but i believe that a part of him believes what he writes about his blessing of new life. the chris singer i know falls in love easily and sees past first impressions and appearances-- and i think that that kind of compassion comes from the kind of experiences he's gone through himself. hmm, the chris singer i know tries to play nadia's song (that's that one pretty piano piece), but in all honesty, he plays a lot of other songs better. he has had to go-- and is currently going through-- a lot. a whole lotful of lot. the chris singer i know is always hungry. the chris singer i know is probably shaking his head as he reads this, as instances counteracting his supposed "goodness" and "love" are popping into his head-- maybe an argument he had with his dad, or just a wave of frustration and despair as he tries to find meaning in cyberspace. hmm, who knows? the chris singer i know is almost always hanging around, waiting to be asked to help, and sometimes just helping out without being asked at all. true, the chris singer i know isn't enough, whatever it is that "enough" is to him. he's human. but all i know is that he's chris, and i love the singer i know, and i know that God loves him even more, and even more than more simply because he isn't enough. because where would God be if chris was enough?
go to sleep, singer. rain or shine, there's always a brand new day.
-jen-
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