My Baby (A JMac Story) Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen - "How Do You Sleep?":
~~September 4, 2001~~
~~Shawn’s POV~~
48. 48 days. It has been 48 days since that dreadful phone call. 48 days since I’ve heard his voice. School started again a few weeks ago. And a few weeks before that my family and all my friends staged an intervention of sorts and forced me out of my room. And I do mean ALL of my friends. All my plans of what I was going to wear to the first day of school flew right out the window the moment that he said those words. ‘I’m sorry…It’s over Shawn.’ Originally I was going to wear the same outfit I wore to the New York concert but now I just couldn’t look at anything that I had bought there or while I was with him without wanting to burrow myself into the ground and stay there till I die a painful and sufferable death. I mean, that is what I deserve anyway. And I did bring this onto myself. And in knowing that, I welcome any pain that I get. I just really wish that it didn’t mean that he was going through pain too. Or any of the guys. Well, except for the one that needs to be feeling almost as bad as I am.
The guys. They’ve really been great to me. Especially since they totally don’t have to be and I completely never expected them too be either. But they all make sure to call me regularly and keep me updated on everything that’s going on. Yes, even him and his life. The one person they make sure to never mention, is the one person that I’m glad they don’t mention.
And Greg. Greg is really my best friend and brother throughout all this. I’m so thankful and glad that I do have him. He’s been nothing but nice, sweet, and caring to me. Not to mention he’s the only person that I can really talk to about Jes… um, him. With absolutely no judgments or walls up or anything. It’s always a breath of fresh air to have that conversation with Greg too. Once a week. That’s what we’ve been doing since he made me see that I can’t just keep it all bottled up, that doing that won’t make it go away or anything better. So, we go into detail about everything and what I’m feeling or felt this week about it all. And again I say, if this music thing doesn’t work out for him, he really needs to consider becoming a psychologist. Anyway, they’ve all been great and very supportive and understanding. All in their own ways too.
After the tour ended and they had there little break before school, they came down to see me too. Greg, Frankie, Matt, Lea, David, Maryanne, Ginger, Timmy, Amanda, Nicole, Danielle, and Lisa. Without telling me. This is the ’intervention’ I was talking about. Ginger apparently has been keeping in touch with Mom, and then Mom called all my friends here and they bombarded me with shock, surprise, and people they knew I’d leave my room for, one day. But it was nice to get to be back in that world. Though it was just not the same. And it was nice to get to mesh my two worlds together finally. But it was so hard to be with Timmy. He just looks so much like him that I could hardly look at him without tearing up. Which I know upset Timmy and made him think that he did something wrong. He even asked me what he did and was close to tears himself. But I think that we got that worked out. At least for now. And Lea and I have gotten really close too. Especially since that visit. She of course asked about what happened and I had no problem telling her. Every little thing. And she didn’t judge either. She was there for me and completely supportive. More so than someone at her young age should be.
And with all of this, I can’t bring myself to regret or hate the trip to New York for any reason. I have so many new friends and ‘family’ now that are here for me no matter what and so supportive even though I’ve made some of the biggest mistakes possible. That I just can’t help to continue to be grateful and thankful for the trip. And I did meet someone that made the trip better and more fun and I know became a life long friend. Though it didn’t end up being the person I originally thought it was going to be, but still. If it hadn’t of been for running into him, I wouldn’t have had my wish come true.
~~Jesse’s POV~~
Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. 48 days to be exact. I can’t get her out of my head. And since that phone call, I haven’t thought about the kiss hardly at all. I mean, I’m still not talking to Chris. And the more I think about it, the more I see that breaking up with her was what I needed to do at that time. But now that it’s been more than a month, and if I’m being honest with my self this started the next day, that kiss really seems pretty irrelevant. Ok, maybe irrelevant isn’t the right word but you get what I’m saying. It’s just now I see it as more of a test of our love and relationship. One that I failed and she passed. Especially since she told me right away. I mean she was leaving. She could have easily waited till she was back home and just told me over the phone or in an email or something. Or not at all. And that would have been her failing the test. But she didn’t do any of that. She did the right and brave thing and told me to my face. Knowing that I might get mad and break up with her right there in front of everyone. But she did it anyway. And I’m the one that failed because I couldn’t trust her when she said it meant nothing and I’m the one that couldn’t just forget it and move on. Instead I did nothing but push her away.
School started again a week or so ago. And I’ve dreaded it and hated it more than usual. My hours at school are the hours where she’s stuck in my head the most. And everything that we did together, every single memory of her that I have, replays like a movie stuck on repeat in my head, starting every time that I walk though those doors into the school. And because of this, I’m glad more than ever that she became such great friends with the guys. Though Greg is the only one that I’m completely comfortable talking in detail about her with. But knowing how she is and what she’s been up to, has helped. Especially since I can’t bring myself to email or call her.
But the absolute hardest thing had to be when they all packed up and flew out to surprise her. Mom asked if I wanted to go. Hell they all asked if I wanted to go. But I just couldn’t bring myself to feel right about surprising her and facing her in that way. Especially not knowing if she really wanted to see me or not. So, instead I stayed here with Dad, while all my friends were where my heart was already.
~~Four Days Later~Saturday, September, 8, 2001~~
As the days progressed, I’ve found myself thinking about Shawn more and more often. And I have this feeling that something is wrong or that something is going to be wrong. I don’t really know. It’s hard to explain.
But anyway, it’s Saturday, which means a long day of rehearsal and then hopefully a quiet night to myself. But that has yet to happen since the tour finished. Well, besides the week everyone was in Missouri. I’m snapped out of my thoughts when my sister knocks on my door.
“Jess, Mom says you need to hurry up or you’ll be late.” I glance at my reflection in the mirror across from me and then turn to open my door.
“I’m ready, I’m ready.” I say as I open the door and brush past her, heading for the stairs. I hear her say something but can’t really make it out so I turn around to ask but I notice that she’s on her phone. I roll my eyes and continue downstairs. “Ok, Mom, I’m here. Let’s go.” I grab my bag from the floor and head out to the car. Five minutes later and she finally comes out of the house followed by Lea. I roll my eyes as they open their doors and get in. “Well, so much for being in a hurry Mom.” I turn and look out the window to tune out Lea’s rambling to her friend in the back. That is until I find out who she’s talking to.
“Eew, Shawn! Come on! There is no way that he’s hotter than Ben Affleck. It’s just not possible.” I turn my head slowly to look at Lea through the small space between the seat and door. She’s chatting away, without a care in the world. I wish I could say that I was surprised that Lea was talking to Shawn, but I really can’t. I’ve known that the two of them have been talking almost daily since we broke up. And I’m glad. Lea needs another girl to talk to about certain things. And I’m sure those things will only increase as she gets older. But at the moment, now that I know who she’s talking to, all I want to do is ask for the phone to talk to her for a minute. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. So, I just sit here and watch my sister talk to her and occasionally hear what she‘s saying too and before I even realize it, we’re pulling into the studio parking lot.
We all get out of the car and head inside. Immediately, I see Greg and go over to him, pulling him to the side, out of earshot of everyone else. I’ve done this at all our rehearsals the last four days. So, I know that he knows what I’m going to ask before I even open my mouth, but he still waits for me to say it. “Everything still ok?” He releases a deep sigh and nods then starts to walk away, but I stop him. “Please Greg?” He looks at me and turns back to face me fully.
“Everything is fine Jesse. I just got off the phone with her. She’s doing good. And keeping herself very busy with school stuff. If you are going to continue to worry about her so much and make this a permanent habit of yours, then I suggest that you just man up and call her yourself.” He turns and walks into the studio before I can even say anything.
I hear Lea’s laughter again but this time followed by Amanda’s too. I sigh and follow Greg in, ready to get this over with.
~~Shawn’s POV~~
I was getting ready to get off the phone with Greg when I got the incoming call from Lea. So, I say a quick 'bye' to Greg and click over to her call. “Hello?”
“Hey Shawn. What’s up?” I chuckle at her, shaking my head softly. These calls have become a daily event, and always seemingly during the guys’ rehearsals. But today, she called earlier than usual, having normally waited till their rehearsal was already started.
“Not much Lea. I was just talking to Greg. What’s up? You’re early.” I hear her laugh and then Ginger say something in the background.
“Hey, can you hold on a sec. I have to go get Jess.” I mumble a compliance and listen to her run up the stairs and knock on his door. All the while trying to ignore the fact that my breathing hitched and my throat closed up slightly at hearing his name. Trying not to pay too much attention to their exchange, I busy myself with cleaning and straightening up my room. Though I had just cleaned it a day or so ago. But I stop solid in my tracks as soon as I hear his voice. Oh man, oh man, oh man. It sounds so much better than I remember. I’m still trying to control my breathing as Lea comes back on the phone. “Ok, I’m back.” I can’t say anything. Hell I can’t even move yet. But thankfully she gets what’s going on without me having to say anything. “Oh God, Shawn. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t even thinking. Are you ok?”
I nod my head forgetting that she can’t see me and slowly walk to sit on my bed. I clear my throat and answer her. “Yea, Lea. I’ll be fine. It’s ok. I understand.” I hear her running around. And after a minute or so without her saying anything, I have to ask. “Lea, what are you doing?”
“Huh? Oh, I wasn’t expecting him to actually be ready on time so none of my stuff is together.” I can still hear her moving around and have to chuckle at her.
“Ok, then. Well you can just call me back once you get there.”
“No, no, that’s fine. I’m almost done and then we just have the drive.”
“Ok, if you’re sure.”
“Yea, I’m sure. Now where did we leave off last night?” I can hear her running back down the stairs and then yell for Ginger before I answer her.
“Um, I believe we were talking about Lord of the Rings and the hotties in it.” I laugh as I remember the debate we had started of Frodo vs. Legolas a.k.a. Elijah Wood vs. Orlando Bloom. However you want to look at it.
“Oh, right! Anyway, I thought of someone that has them both beat.”
“Oh, really? Who is that?”
“The one, the only Ben Affleck.” I roll my eyes at her, well not her since she’s not actually here, but yeah.
“You have to be kidding me. There is absolutely no way that Ben Affleck is hotter than Orlando Bloom. Elijah Wood, sure. But not Orlando.”
“Oh, come on Shawn! How can you not think that Ben is hot?”
“ Hey! I didn’t say he isn’t. I just said that Orlando is hotter. Hell, Josh Hartnett is even hotter than Ben.”
“Eew, Shawn! Come on! There is no way that he’s hotter than Ben Affleck. It’s just not possible.”
“What? It’s true.”
“Eew, no way. Josh Hartnett is so not hotter than Ben Affleck.” I can hear the seriousness in her voice and have to laugh.
“Ok, Lea. Looks like we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.” I shake my head and let out another soft chuckle. “So, what have you been up to today?” And just like that our conversation has a lighter air about it and she is every bit the fun little ten year old she’s supposed to be.
We continued with our girl talk and everything as normal with my mind drifting to Jesse occasionally like usual. Though I have noticed that I haven’t been thinking about him nonstop recently like I was. And I’m not completely sure if that’s a good or bad thing just yet.