(no subject)
Title: none-chapter 2?
Warnings: adult situations... bad language. Very depressing thought patterns
Pairing: Sanzo/Goku eventually. One-sided?
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all it's characters belong to Minekura Sensei.
Beta reader: purpleicicles @ LJ is awesome!
Summary: Goku really starts thinking about sex and has too many questions. Sanzo freaks out. Some deep and troubling thoughts. Very dysfunctional thoughts about the concept of sex.
Part 2; you'll want to read this to make any sense of it. Still a WIP, which I didn't really say in the first chapter, which was not very nice of me and I'm sorry <3
Something had to change. Goku seemed closed off; where he used to talk with girls at the places we stayed he would freeze up. He’d see a cute girl, and you could see the smile almost form before he’d turn to me and freeze up. Did he think I would think he was disgusting for taking an interest in sex? Did he still think I’d be disappointed in him when I told him I wouldn’t?
It was a couple weeks later and we were staying at a hotel where a cute girl, just his age, that cooked like... well even better than Hakkai did, was helping her father run the place. The girl seemed to have a crush on him, and her father approved, but Goku kept his distance. Not only was he keeping his distance, but he was being flat out rude to her at times. He was short and... well, he was treating her the way I would treat a girl who had a crush on me.
This was bad. This was very bad. I kept thinking of the monkey growing up to be like me and felt like a shit for acting the way I did. I encouraged this. It made me want to grab the fan and hit myself over the head with it.
I tried to get Hakkai to talk to him. Hakkai would be able to talk some sense into him. Get him acting more like himself. But he wouldn’t do it; he said that this was Goku’s way of showing how much he admires me and the only one who would be able to get him to stop was me.
So, I tried talking to Goku. I was sitting, pretending to read my paper, going over the same line again and again when he finally came to the room. I looked at him over the paper as he went to gather all his things for bed.
“Heading for bed already?” I asked. Dammit I didn’t know what to say. This was so strange.
Goku shrugged, “Yeah, you can keep the light on, I’m just kinda tired.”
“Didn’t that girl ask if you’d help her with some chores or something like that?”
“She just wanted to spend time with me. I don’t want to do any stupid chores.”
I frowned, “What’s wrong with that?”
“We’re just going to be leaving tomorrow.” He mumbled.
“We could stay an extra day…” Why the hell was I offering this?
Goku looked at me weird and shook his head. “Then we’ll just be leaving the day after that. And who knows if we’ll be coming back, or if she’d still be here if we did come back. Nuh-uh, it’s stupid. I’ll just leave and miss her.”
So that was it. I put down my paper. I stayed silent, watching him for a moment. “You could stay.”
Goku looked up sharply. “What?”
“I said you could stay.”
“Are you just trying to get rid of me? I want to stay with you! Why would I want to stay here? For some girl I don’t know? Why would you suggest that?”
I hadn’t realized how tense I had been until I felt the relief. I tried to ignore it, and was almost successful. “I don’t want you to leave. This journey isn’t the place for a... a young man. We can’t provide what you need while you’re traveling with us.”
“Who needs that stuff? You don’t. You don’t do it, why should I need it?”
“I don’t mean sex. I mean a chance to figure out your own views. Look, the last thing I want for you is to become like me. You’re stuck with three men who already have a fucked up view of sexuality and you need a better influence in your life.”
Goku looked upset. “But I don’t want to leave you! What do you want me to do, go have sex with some girl I haven’t even known for a day?”
Idiot.
“No. No, I want you to do what you want to do. Not what you think I want you to do, not what you think Gojyo or Hakkai would want you to do, but what YOU want to do.”
Goku’s voice was rising, “I am doing what I want to do! I don’t want to sleep with her and I don’t want to stay here. I want to stay with you.”
“Fine!” so was mine, “Then stay. Just go back to how you were. Go back to being friendly. Stop being an ass to everyone. I’m more than enough of an ass for the entire group!”
“Fine!” Goku stormed out with his bathroom things and I saw Hakkai and Gojyo outside the door, caught eavesdropping.
“DAMMIT YOU TWO, DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN LISTEN IN ON THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!?” Okay, so I didn’t know exactly why I was yelling at them like that, but I was pissed. I didn’t want them listening in. I slammed the door in their faces and stomped across the room.
***
Goku stormed back into the room and didn’t really look at me, just went to his bed. He started to pull the covers.
“Get over here Goku.” I called. I was sitting at the little table in the room with the now discarded paper crumpled next to me.
Goku looked up at me and was glaring a bit, but grudgingly walked over to me. I motioned for him to sit down in the other chair and he did, still glaring or moping or whatever he was doing. I reached out and put my hand on his head. I had to reach up, he was about as tall as I was by now. “I think I made a mistake.” I looked him right in the eye and his disgruntled look turned to surprise. “I know, it’s hard to believe, but I make them, too. I shouldn’t have said a lot of the things I said when you were asking me what I thought. The thing is, I’m fucked up. I know I am, but I can’t seem to help but influence you that way. I grew up around a lot of very... inappropriate sexual behavior. Sex really wasn’t anything that was considered good, in any way. That’s not... that’s not how most people look at it. I guess. Look, I don’t want you to be... scared the way I am. I… I’ve been scared away from sex. I really don’t want you to be scared too. I don’t want you emulating my fear.”
Goku was quiet for a while. “But... why are you scared?”
“In my experience it’s been a very predatory thing. Used to gain power or control over another person. That’s... that isn’t always true. Take Hakkai and Kanan; he loved her and she loved him. Sex wasn’t something they used to control one another, but something to show mutual affection. Gojyo doesn’t sleep with women to control them, he sleeps with them to make them happy; it makes him happy to make someone else happy. I’m not really saying you should follow either one of their examples, but just that it’s not a dirty thing, or a bad thing.” Hell, I was almost starting to believe myself. Not quite.
“But, if you know that then why are you still scared?”
“Some scars run too deep, Goku. I don’t want you to develop those scars before you’ve even had a chance to experience anything.”
Goku leaned forward and put his hand over my heart. I flinched at the touch and he frowned.
“You know I’m not gonna hurt you, Sanzo, so why do you always jump? I could never control you, never have any power over you, and I wouldn’t ever try to get any power or control. You’re my sun.”
I put my hand on his hand and looked at him seriously. “It’s not you. It’s not you that makes me jump. I just... do. I can tell myself it’s you, but I feel a touch and... I jump.”
“Just look me in the eye, just remember it’s me.” I looked him in the eye and felt his hand move up to my face and I didn’t jump; his thumb caressed my cheek and I closed my eyes leaning into his hand. It felt so warm and comfortable. What was wrong with me, letting him close? Lightly - so light I almost didn’t notice it - something pressed against my lips. My eyes opened quickly and there was Goku, suddenly very close; my eyes lost focus trying to see him. He was… he was kissing me!
I pulled back and pushed him away at the same time. I stood up, knocking my chair to the ground; Goku didn’t catch his footing and fell to the ground, taking his chair with him. My hand was covering my mouth and I stared down at him. I couldn’t believe he would. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
“I just. You said. I just.” Goku stuttered, surprise and hurt in equal measures warring behind his eyes.
There was a rushed knock on the door and Hakkai came through, “Is everything all right?” The chairs, all the noise. He must have heard it.
I looked at Hakkai, my hand had been pulled away from my face the moment I heard the knock. “You’re switching rooms with Goku. Get your crap and bring it over here. Goku, get the fuck out.”
“But Sanzo!” Goku protested.
“Get out.” My voice must have sounded serious because he didn’t protest. He got his things and left, looking like a kicked puppy.
I was sitting at the end of my bed with my head in my hands when Hakkai came back with his things.
Hakkai sat at the end of his bed and didn’t look over at me. He really knew what to do at times like these. “I take it the talk didn’t go so well,” he commented.
I sneered. “It was going fine until Goku seemed to think my talk meant I wanted him to try me.”
“Ah” Hakkai’s tone was carefully neutral, but I could hear the disapproval behind it. I wasn’t sure to whom he was directing it, but I could take a fair guess.
“I don’t want someone to pity me or to try and heal me. I just want to be left alone. I’ve functioned fine so far and I don’t need to change now.”
“But you don’t want Goku to end up like you. So it’s okay for you to be the way you are, but not for him?”
“That’s not the point! He should be doing what’s best for him, not trying to fix me when he doesn’t even know, doesn’t understand...”
“Maybe he’s not doing it just to fix you out of pity. Maybe he’s doing this because he wants you. Because he loves you.”
I turned to him and he was looking at me, not moving. I turned away. “He doesn’t know what he wants. He just thinks he knows what I want, even though he doesn’t, and he’s trying to act like that. I don’t want that.”
“Or he really does know what he wants and is trying to get it.”
I moved to lay on the bed, turning so my back was to him. “That’s stupid. Goku doesn’t want me. He’s just a kid and he doesn’t know what he wants and he doesn’t want me. He wants me to be happy and pleased with him, the way a dog tries to get attention and affection. He thinks this is another way to get affection. He doesn’t really want that...”
Hakkai was silent for a moment. Then he said, so quietly, so kindly, “He’s not the same as you, Sanzo.”
I had no response to that, so I just didn’t respond. I tried to act like I was sleeping until Hakkai finally turned off the light and went to sleep himself.
Warnings: adult situations... bad language. Very depressing thought patterns
Pairing: Sanzo/Goku eventually. One-sided?
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all it's characters belong to Minekura Sensei.
Beta reader: purpleicicles @ LJ is awesome!
Summary: Goku really starts thinking about sex and has too many questions. Sanzo freaks out. Some deep and troubling thoughts. Very dysfunctional thoughts about the concept of sex.
Part 2; you'll want to read this to make any sense of it. Still a WIP, which I didn't really say in the first chapter, which was not very nice of me and I'm sorry <3
Something had to change. Goku seemed closed off; where he used to talk with girls at the places we stayed he would freeze up. He’d see a cute girl, and you could see the smile almost form before he’d turn to me and freeze up. Did he think I would think he was disgusting for taking an interest in sex? Did he still think I’d be disappointed in him when I told him I wouldn’t?
It was a couple weeks later and we were staying at a hotel where a cute girl, just his age, that cooked like... well even better than Hakkai did, was helping her father run the place. The girl seemed to have a crush on him, and her father approved, but Goku kept his distance. Not only was he keeping his distance, but he was being flat out rude to her at times. He was short and... well, he was treating her the way I would treat a girl who had a crush on me.
This was bad. This was very bad. I kept thinking of the monkey growing up to be like me and felt like a shit for acting the way I did. I encouraged this. It made me want to grab the fan and hit myself over the head with it.
I tried to get Hakkai to talk to him. Hakkai would be able to talk some sense into him. Get him acting more like himself. But he wouldn’t do it; he said that this was Goku’s way of showing how much he admires me and the only one who would be able to get him to stop was me.
So, I tried talking to Goku. I was sitting, pretending to read my paper, going over the same line again and again when he finally came to the room. I looked at him over the paper as he went to gather all his things for bed.
“Heading for bed already?” I asked. Dammit I didn’t know what to say. This was so strange.
Goku shrugged, “Yeah, you can keep the light on, I’m just kinda tired.”
“Didn’t that girl ask if you’d help her with some chores or something like that?”
“She just wanted to spend time with me. I don’t want to do any stupid chores.”
I frowned, “What’s wrong with that?”
“We’re just going to be leaving tomorrow.” He mumbled.
“We could stay an extra day…” Why the hell was I offering this?
Goku looked at me weird and shook his head. “Then we’ll just be leaving the day after that. And who knows if we’ll be coming back, or if she’d still be here if we did come back. Nuh-uh, it’s stupid. I’ll just leave and miss her.”
So that was it. I put down my paper. I stayed silent, watching him for a moment. “You could stay.”
Goku looked up sharply. “What?”
“I said you could stay.”
“Are you just trying to get rid of me? I want to stay with you! Why would I want to stay here? For some girl I don’t know? Why would you suggest that?”
I hadn’t realized how tense I had been until I felt the relief. I tried to ignore it, and was almost successful. “I don’t want you to leave. This journey isn’t the place for a... a young man. We can’t provide what you need while you’re traveling with us.”
“Who needs that stuff? You don’t. You don’t do it, why should I need it?”
“I don’t mean sex. I mean a chance to figure out your own views. Look, the last thing I want for you is to become like me. You’re stuck with three men who already have a fucked up view of sexuality and you need a better influence in your life.”
Goku looked upset. “But I don’t want to leave you! What do you want me to do, go have sex with some girl I haven’t even known for a day?”
Idiot.
“No. No, I want you to do what you want to do. Not what you think I want you to do, not what you think Gojyo or Hakkai would want you to do, but what YOU want to do.”
Goku’s voice was rising, “I am doing what I want to do! I don’t want to sleep with her and I don’t want to stay here. I want to stay with you.”
“Fine!” so was mine, “Then stay. Just go back to how you were. Go back to being friendly. Stop being an ass to everyone. I’m more than enough of an ass for the entire group!”
“Fine!” Goku stormed out with his bathroom things and I saw Hakkai and Gojyo outside the door, caught eavesdropping.
“DAMMIT YOU TWO, DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN LISTEN IN ON THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!?” Okay, so I didn’t know exactly why I was yelling at them like that, but I was pissed. I didn’t want them listening in. I slammed the door in their faces and stomped across the room.
***
Goku stormed back into the room and didn’t really look at me, just went to his bed. He started to pull the covers.
“Get over here Goku.” I called. I was sitting at the little table in the room with the now discarded paper crumpled next to me.
Goku looked up at me and was glaring a bit, but grudgingly walked over to me. I motioned for him to sit down in the other chair and he did, still glaring or moping or whatever he was doing. I reached out and put my hand on his head. I had to reach up, he was about as tall as I was by now. “I think I made a mistake.” I looked him right in the eye and his disgruntled look turned to surprise. “I know, it’s hard to believe, but I make them, too. I shouldn’t have said a lot of the things I said when you were asking me what I thought. The thing is, I’m fucked up. I know I am, but I can’t seem to help but influence you that way. I grew up around a lot of very... inappropriate sexual behavior. Sex really wasn’t anything that was considered good, in any way. That’s not... that’s not how most people look at it. I guess. Look, I don’t want you to be... scared the way I am. I… I’ve been scared away from sex. I really don’t want you to be scared too. I don’t want you emulating my fear.”
Goku was quiet for a while. “But... why are you scared?”
“In my experience it’s been a very predatory thing. Used to gain power or control over another person. That’s... that isn’t always true. Take Hakkai and Kanan; he loved her and she loved him. Sex wasn’t something they used to control one another, but something to show mutual affection. Gojyo doesn’t sleep with women to control them, he sleeps with them to make them happy; it makes him happy to make someone else happy. I’m not really saying you should follow either one of their examples, but just that it’s not a dirty thing, or a bad thing.” Hell, I was almost starting to believe myself. Not quite.
“But, if you know that then why are you still scared?”
“Some scars run too deep, Goku. I don’t want you to develop those scars before you’ve even had a chance to experience anything.”
Goku leaned forward and put his hand over my heart. I flinched at the touch and he frowned.
“You know I’m not gonna hurt you, Sanzo, so why do you always jump? I could never control you, never have any power over you, and I wouldn’t ever try to get any power or control. You’re my sun.”
I put my hand on his hand and looked at him seriously. “It’s not you. It’s not you that makes me jump. I just... do. I can tell myself it’s you, but I feel a touch and... I jump.”
“Just look me in the eye, just remember it’s me.” I looked him in the eye and felt his hand move up to my face and I didn’t jump; his thumb caressed my cheek and I closed my eyes leaning into his hand. It felt so warm and comfortable. What was wrong with me, letting him close? Lightly - so light I almost didn’t notice it - something pressed against my lips. My eyes opened quickly and there was Goku, suddenly very close; my eyes lost focus trying to see him. He was… he was kissing me!
I pulled back and pushed him away at the same time. I stood up, knocking my chair to the ground; Goku didn’t catch his footing and fell to the ground, taking his chair with him. My hand was covering my mouth and I stared down at him. I couldn’t believe he would. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
“I just. You said. I just.” Goku stuttered, surprise and hurt in equal measures warring behind his eyes.
There was a rushed knock on the door and Hakkai came through, “Is everything all right?” The chairs, all the noise. He must have heard it.
I looked at Hakkai, my hand had been pulled away from my face the moment I heard the knock. “You’re switching rooms with Goku. Get your crap and bring it over here. Goku, get the fuck out.”
“But Sanzo!” Goku protested.
“Get out.” My voice must have sounded serious because he didn’t protest. He got his things and left, looking like a kicked puppy.
I was sitting at the end of my bed with my head in my hands when Hakkai came back with his things.
Hakkai sat at the end of his bed and didn’t look over at me. He really knew what to do at times like these. “I take it the talk didn’t go so well,” he commented.
I sneered. “It was going fine until Goku seemed to think my talk meant I wanted him to try me.”
“Ah” Hakkai’s tone was carefully neutral, but I could hear the disapproval behind it. I wasn’t sure to whom he was directing it, but I could take a fair guess.
“I don’t want someone to pity me or to try and heal me. I just want to be left alone. I’ve functioned fine so far and I don’t need to change now.”
“But you don’t want Goku to end up like you. So it’s okay for you to be the way you are, but not for him?”
“That’s not the point! He should be doing what’s best for him, not trying to fix me when he doesn’t even know, doesn’t understand...”
“Maybe he’s not doing it just to fix you out of pity. Maybe he’s doing this because he wants you. Because he loves you.”
I turned to him and he was looking at me, not moving. I turned away. “He doesn’t know what he wants. He just thinks he knows what I want, even though he doesn’t, and he’s trying to act like that. I don’t want that.”
“Or he really does know what he wants and is trying to get it.”
I moved to lay on the bed, turning so my back was to him. “That’s stupid. Goku doesn’t want me. He’s just a kid and he doesn’t know what he wants and he doesn’t want me. He wants me to be happy and pleased with him, the way a dog tries to get attention and affection. He thinks this is another way to get affection. He doesn’t really want that...”
Hakkai was silent for a moment. Then he said, so quietly, so kindly, “He’s not the same as you, Sanzo.”
I had no response to that, so I just didn’t respond. I tried to act like I was sleeping until Hakkai finally turned off the light and went to sleep himself.