(no subject)
My ears echo from her crying, my nipples burn from constant breastfeeding and now, her biting and pulling. Yay. Her feet are wet because I put her in the Moby and did dishes at 1 am. My own pj's are damp from her sweating and drooling on me as she laid across my knees on her tummy, farting and crying. We've done the hotsling, the swing, the playmat, late night television, nursing nursing and more nursing, diaper changes, gripe water, rocking, shushing, patting, and swaying. I sat her in the Bumbo while I flipped through a catalogue looking at breast pumps. Tonight, I'm even considering formula at night just to give me 3 solid hours of sleep.
I am exhausted at 10 pm, desperate to go to sleep by 11, and then wide awake and frustrated before midnight. Even when the beast finally goes to sleep at night, I am too stressed and frustrated to fall asleep myself, and then I just lay there waiting for her to wake up again.
I can't believe that THIS is what I wanted. THIS is what I cried about for the past year? God help me, I love this little beast, but seriously, WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
When Abby died, I didn't blame God. I questioned Him, sure, but I didn't blame Him. Tonight, it's a whole different ball game. God has given us pain and suffering in childbirth, pain that no man could ever bear. That should be enough, right? Why didn't God create babies that would sleep? What special kind of torture is THAT!?
For now, she sleeps.....In the Moby, after crying and sucking her thumb for about 30 seconds. Do I leave her strapped to my body and settle us both into the recliner for a couple of hours? Or do I dare untie this thing and put her in her own bed? If she doesn't stay asleep, I will lose my mind. Charlotte and Julia will both be up for the day in about 5 hours and Charlotte will wake up at least two more times tonight, I guarantee it. If labour couldn't kill me, this certainly will.
I am exhausted at 10 pm, desperate to go to sleep by 11, and then wide awake and frustrated before midnight. Even when the beast finally goes to sleep at night, I am too stressed and frustrated to fall asleep myself, and then I just lay there waiting for her to wake up again.
I can't believe that THIS is what I wanted. THIS is what I cried about for the past year? God help me, I love this little beast, but seriously, WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
When Abby died, I didn't blame God. I questioned Him, sure, but I didn't blame Him. Tonight, it's a whole different ball game. God has given us pain and suffering in childbirth, pain that no man could ever bear. That should be enough, right? Why didn't God create babies that would sleep? What special kind of torture is THAT!?
For now, she sleeps.....In the Moby, after crying and sucking her thumb for about 30 seconds. Do I leave her strapped to my body and settle us both into the recliner for a couple of hours? Or do I dare untie this thing and put her in her own bed? If she doesn't stay asleep, I will lose my mind. Charlotte and Julia will both be up for the day in about 5 hours and Charlotte will wake up at least two more times tonight, I guarantee it. If labour couldn't kill me, this certainly will.