i have a feeling this could become a long entry
so i just sat down here, im my "new" room? i dont know, it feels new to me. my room makes me happy, this is one place i really dont want to leave. i dont want to hang out in the tv room , kitchen, basement...just my room. maybe its because im so used to hanging out in one room all the time. im so comfortable in my room. i moved everything around and its awesome (i will probably say awesome a million times in this entry) i have a little sitting place for me to read, and use my computer. then my bed and nightstand is different, and faces my tv and radio...to me it seems just perfect.
everything seems "right" lately. like the way i sit here and type...right, but at the same time i feel like i want to cry yet i cant. i feel good about myself, i guess. or maybe that it, i just dont have any clue about anything. my head is going in so many directions. i want to be lead down the right road. the one i am supposed to be on. one moment im so happy, so grateful for my friends, the next minute i want them out of here. i really really want myself to be content with being single. techically i havent been single in over 2 and a half years...since the summer before junior year. i have gotten so used to someone being around that now i feel empty. and now i feel out of place. i mean lauren and stephen are together, kalleigh is home, daniel psh hell if i know thats part of my problem, carl is at GT, paul is home. where is everyone? i miss them, i miss my friends...but when was the last time i had really awesome steady friends? freshman year before i moved. im not the same down here, kentucky scares me. what happened to southern hospitality. i mean the last group of "friends" i was with completely pounded me into the ground after the breakup. i dont know if i could even consider it a friendship with any of them...i mean no not really. the only time we hung out was if daniel had invited me. i really kinda liked all of them, but i guess i wasnt their "type" i have my friends at western...thats easy, but none of them are here. then theres lindsay and johan...they arent anything like me, or im not anything like them. so they dont work. nate and nate...they just want in my pants, anyways i could never be "with" either of them...and they could never be just friends with me. laura mann...shes way over, and her sister megan mann yeah we still talk but she too is wrapped up in her boyfriend.
i have decided that i hate boyfriends, especially now because i dont have one. yeah so i know its not fair, but i can have that feeling. girls get these wonderful guys, that enjoy their company, call them because he is just thinking about her, he gets all excited to see her (sometimes hes even worried about how he looks), he gets her flowers because he glad to have her in his life. whatever...thats all sappy crap...sappy crap that i wish would happen to me. oh well...im single, single as i could ever be, so why is it so hard? why is it hard being single? isnt it supposed to be fun? single my ass, i hate single life...no, im just having a problem with being content with it. plus theres really only one person i want to be with, but hes out of reach...i know i cant date him.
i want him...i want him so bad. i know i shouldnt, he wouldt treat me they way i want to be treated, he has a hard time understanding my side of things (how i feel about a relationship). lately though i have been myself around him, i have had fun. i dont regret one thing i have done with him. i view him as awsome now, but i know what a relationship is like with him. could i do it again?? hell to the fuck no, he hurt me, he scares me. but i love him so much. i miss him, no really i miss him. he says we cant hang out, but we both know we want to . ill agree we shouldnt hang out, but i cant not talk to him. i cant not have him in my life. i already miss him enough with the way things are right now, imagine not talking to him. horrible. my friends tell me no, they have been saying no for forever....do i listen, no. i just fall back into his arms. i cant be with him, but i cant be without him. its the worst feeling in the world. i just want to cry everytime i try to think of something. he ceated on me, he lied to me, he treated me like crap...why do i want to be with someone like that? what makes him so special? what makes me want to run back to him even after all of that? he has some kind of special powers i swear. i dont know how he does it...i want those powers, but i wouldnt use them on him. i would use them to find someone amazing. i hate that the guy i love scares me. why does he have to make it so hard for me? you cant leave me alone? dont...i dont want you to.
im ready for someone to show me someone amazing, someone i can love without being afraid, someone who will love me without being afraid. especially at this age guys dont want a relationship...they want ass. oh well i guess ill have to deal.
i really didnt mean for this to be all oh poor elyse...i made it sound like i just have it so horrible right now, which i dont what so ever.
GOOD
1. lauren and i are really close, hell im pretty close with stephen too (they had mothers day dinner with my family tonight...haha hilarious)
2. daniel and i are on good terms, we are speaking, hanging out...its good. better than him not being in my life at all, or him being with some other girl.
3. im home, what could be better than sleeping in your own bed? psh nothing oh wait perhaps someone sleeping in it with me, lol
4. i got a new job. kindercare, im working with lauren (for a little while at least). its good pay, i get to work with kids (i love kids)
5. new car, hell to the fuck yeah, i love that car. i would tell everyone a million times if i could. its pretty freaking awesome! you all should see it
6. my birthday is coming up soon. june 1 what are you getting me? lol im pretty sure im going to try to get some people together and we are going to churhill downs my birthday weekend and do some betting.
7. i see kalleigh and hopefully paul in...2 and a half weeks! woo hoo!
That might be all, that might not be all. who knows...i know i am ready to enjoy my summer, where is the summer sun?!
P.S. my dog is having some pretty sweet dreams...i can tell
everything seems "right" lately. like the way i sit here and type...right, but at the same time i feel like i want to cry yet i cant. i feel good about myself, i guess. or maybe that it, i just dont have any clue about anything. my head is going in so many directions. i want to be lead down the right road. the one i am supposed to be on. one moment im so happy, so grateful for my friends, the next minute i want them out of here. i really really want myself to be content with being single. techically i havent been single in over 2 and a half years...since the summer before junior year. i have gotten so used to someone being around that now i feel empty. and now i feel out of place. i mean lauren and stephen are together, kalleigh is home, daniel psh hell if i know thats part of my problem, carl is at GT, paul is home. where is everyone? i miss them, i miss my friends...but when was the last time i had really awesome steady friends? freshman year before i moved. im not the same down here, kentucky scares me. what happened to southern hospitality. i mean the last group of "friends" i was with completely pounded me into the ground after the breakup. i dont know if i could even consider it a friendship with any of them...i mean no not really. the only time we hung out was if daniel had invited me. i really kinda liked all of them, but i guess i wasnt their "type" i have my friends at western...thats easy, but none of them are here. then theres lindsay and johan...they arent anything like me, or im not anything like them. so they dont work. nate and nate...they just want in my pants, anyways i could never be "with" either of them...and they could never be just friends with me. laura mann...shes way over, and her sister megan mann yeah we still talk but she too is wrapped up in her boyfriend.
i have decided that i hate boyfriends, especially now because i dont have one. yeah so i know its not fair, but i can have that feeling. girls get these wonderful guys, that enjoy their company, call them because he is just thinking about her, he gets all excited to see her (sometimes hes even worried about how he looks), he gets her flowers because he glad to have her in his life. whatever...thats all sappy crap...sappy crap that i wish would happen to me. oh well...im single, single as i could ever be, so why is it so hard? why is it hard being single? isnt it supposed to be fun? single my ass, i hate single life...no, im just having a problem with being content with it. plus theres really only one person i want to be with, but hes out of reach...i know i cant date him.
i want him...i want him so bad. i know i shouldnt, he wouldt treat me they way i want to be treated, he has a hard time understanding my side of things (how i feel about a relationship). lately though i have been myself around him, i have had fun. i dont regret one thing i have done with him. i view him as awsome now, but i know what a relationship is like with him. could i do it again?? hell to the fuck no, he hurt me, he scares me. but i love him so much. i miss him, no really i miss him. he says we cant hang out, but we both know we want to . ill agree we shouldnt hang out, but i cant not talk to him. i cant not have him in my life. i already miss him enough with the way things are right now, imagine not talking to him. horrible. my friends tell me no, they have been saying no for forever....do i listen, no. i just fall back into his arms. i cant be with him, but i cant be without him. its the worst feeling in the world. i just want to cry everytime i try to think of something. he ceated on me, he lied to me, he treated me like crap...why do i want to be with someone like that? what makes him so special? what makes me want to run back to him even after all of that? he has some kind of special powers i swear. i dont know how he does it...i want those powers, but i wouldnt use them on him. i would use them to find someone amazing. i hate that the guy i love scares me. why does he have to make it so hard for me? you cant leave me alone? dont...i dont want you to.
im ready for someone to show me someone amazing, someone i can love without being afraid, someone who will love me without being afraid. especially at this age guys dont want a relationship...they want ass. oh well i guess ill have to deal.
i really didnt mean for this to be all oh poor elyse...i made it sound like i just have it so horrible right now, which i dont what so ever.
GOOD
1. lauren and i are really close, hell im pretty close with stephen too (they had mothers day dinner with my family tonight...haha hilarious)
2. daniel and i are on good terms, we are speaking, hanging out...its good. better than him not being in my life at all, or him being with some other girl.
3. im home, what could be better than sleeping in your own bed? psh nothing oh wait perhaps someone sleeping in it with me, lol
4. i got a new job. kindercare, im working with lauren (for a little while at least). its good pay, i get to work with kids (i love kids)
5. new car, hell to the fuck yeah, i love that car. i would tell everyone a million times if i could. its pretty freaking awesome! you all should see it
6. my birthday is coming up soon. june 1 what are you getting me? lol im pretty sure im going to try to get some people together and we are going to churhill downs my birthday weekend and do some betting.
7. i see kalleigh and hopefully paul in...2 and a half weeks! woo hoo!
That might be all, that might not be all. who knows...i know i am ready to enjoy my summer, where is the summer sun?!
P.S. my dog is having some pretty sweet dreams...i can tell