(no subject)
Well, New Jersey it is. I decided this weekend after meeting the family and realizing that the kids were really sweet and the environment was what I wanted to be in. We met up in Philly since that was where my flight was to. They got caught in some really bad traffic on the way there, so I had a couple hours to bum around. Me being the adventurous one I am decided to walk to China Town which was like, 2 blocks away...I ordered some food but it was going to be a couple minutes so I went wandering into a shop....pretty sure they were robbed as I was checking out...NO JOKE. It was FREAKY and I had to describe them to the police. I'm NEVER going to live there.
When they got there that night, the little girl, Danielle brought me a flower! It was so sweet! She melted my heart right away...We went swimming at the hotel that night and the next day decided to walk to the liberty bell. We wandered around some and ended up finding the cemetery where Benjamin Franklin was buried...I swollowed my huge fear of graveyards and dead people and went in with the kids for the tour. I was "okay" until they mentioned that there were over 4,000 people buried in the cemetary the size of about 2 forums and some of the graves were unmarked...hence we could be standing on them. THAT is when I freaked and lost it...Not to mention the fact that they said that quite a few of the people died from Yellow Fever. For some reason, that freaked me out even worse. They died from this HORRIBLE disease and we were standing on them with them being, like, 1 or 2 feet below the surface. And the fact that some of the graves had eroded some to the point of the head stones falling over and it making a little pit...I was SO afraid I'd see skelaton or something...Yes, I do realize I watch CSI on a regular basis, but I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE BODIES.
We also went to Betsy Ross's house and on this cool bus tour that took us all over. It was really neat! So, that night when we went home, we dropped by Carolyn's (the mom) parents house. Lo and behold, they live 2 doors down from a grave yard similar to the one we toured. No kidding. AND, to top that, the dog got out and was running around across the street and through it and stuff...I refused to go into it...I couldn't do 2 in one day...I have nightmares about the 1 as is! I was finally the "hero" that caught the dumb dog, Bailey. Lol, after that, she would NOT leave me alone and followed me everywhere. Hence the consistant drool marks just above my knees and in my crotch.
The house is nice, it's a great size and I have my own room that's painted a deep red color that looks really elegant and a HUGE closet. They also have 4 cats, 2 of which slept with me. :-) I don't mind that though, I like cats! I'll have a nice little Jimmy GMC to drive, I think it's about a 2000 or so. It's cute and I've always wanted an SUV!
Well, her parents offered to drive me back to Philly (about an hour drive) so I could catch my plane, so I ended up spending Sunday night at their house. Yeah, by the grave yard. I tell you what, I didn't sleep too well that night...It would have been worse if my window overlooked it, I can tell you that! Her parents are soooo sweet and the grandma packed me a lunch for the plane, isn't that cute???
So, I realized that I have terrible plane sickeness. Yeah, I got queasy on the other flights, but not to the extent of the flight from Philly to Ohio. I definitely barfed and occupied the tiny bathroom of the plane for the first 45 minutes of the trip. And after hitting a nice patch of turbulence, for another 15 minutes after that. The flight attendant was like, um, are you okay? I was like, I will be...haha, and she moved me to an aisle and brought me some sprite and a barf bag. I splurged on the layover and spend 5 freakin bucks on 12 tiny little dramamine pills. Stupid expensive things kept me from throwing up on the next flight though...
*sigh* I've realized how much it hurts me when my friends hurt. I have a couple friends who are going through some rough times lately, and it doesn't just make me like, "aww, I'm sorry, I'll pray for you" but I seriously hurt for them and cry for them. I hate it when my friends are un happy, and I hate it even worse when there's nothing I can do. I had a friend the otherday when we were talking about her and her boyfriend and how happy she was and how in love she was and I told her that I was sooo happy that she was happy actually thank me for that because she had another friend who tried to ruin it because her friend wasn't happy when she was. That's just terrible, I couldn't ever do that.
I just wish I could be stronger myself. Alot of things have been cropping up about Ilse lately and I find myself thinking about her alot more. I thought I was doing well...but I dunno...maybe it's becuase a year ago May 16th will be the day I met her, or maybe because her fourth birthday was sometime this month...or maybe it's because I have a friend who's hurting right now about the "loss" of a baby and I understand sooo much of what she's feeling. It hurts so bad...It's undescribable unless you've been through it yourself, yet you can never really put it into words. It's almost like a deep ache in your heart and it takes your breath away because it hurts so bad...yet, it's not physical sometimes, it's more mental. I dunno...I told this friend who said that she didn't like crying and that she was sick of it that the tears to help, and they do. I'm so sick of crying too, yet, it happens anyways and I've realized that each time I cry, I cry a little shorter amount of time and the tears come a little less easily. Sometimes, I'll think I see her somewhere, yet I know it couldn't be her, she wouldn't be anywhere near her. Like today, when walking into the student center, I saw her face in the reflection and I turned around really quickly but it was another little girl about her age and size that was with someone. Or I'll be out in public and I'll see a little girl that looks just like her...I wonder where she is right now and if she's safe. I may never know....
I regret so much leaving one week early...if I would have stayed ONE more week, I would have known that she was leaving and that I would never get to see her again and I could have prepared she and I better...but I didn't. I gave in. I'm the worst person in the world for letting her down...How could I?? I just don't know how I could have done it...I was so selfish. I shouldn't have left her, I should have stayed. I was the only one who never hurt her, yet I did...and I can't go back and fix it. Every once in awhile, I'll get a sudden thought of her and get really worried...it's like I know that something is happening to her at that particular moment, like there's this connection. I talked to my councilor about it, and he said that maybe it is what's happening, but if so, that maybe she can feel how much I love and and will be comforted by that when she's being hurt. I sure hope so...I hope that deep down, she'll remember me. I quit praying long ago that I'd get to see her again, because if I got to see her, it'd be because her family would be hurting her again, and I don't want that. So, I just pray for her safety now and that she'll know that somewhere out there, someone loves her VERY much and would do anything to get her back. Maybe she does know that...maybe she looks for my face in the crowd down in Cuauhtemoc just like I search for hers when I'm there. Maybe I'll see her again, I don't know. But I can't encourage my friend enough NOT to break ties with her little one...it's not worth it. I did, and I regret it SO much...It hurts so much more if you don't know how they are or what's going on.
I'm done now...I need a nap. Prayers would be nice...It's been a long couple weeks and I have a long couple weeks ahead of me...Pray for my strength in my issues, that I don't stumble again like I so often do.
When they got there that night, the little girl, Danielle brought me a flower! It was so sweet! She melted my heart right away...We went swimming at the hotel that night and the next day decided to walk to the liberty bell. We wandered around some and ended up finding the cemetery where Benjamin Franklin was buried...I swollowed my huge fear of graveyards and dead people and went in with the kids for the tour. I was "okay" until they mentioned that there were over 4,000 people buried in the cemetary the size of about 2 forums and some of the graves were unmarked...hence we could be standing on them. THAT is when I freaked and lost it...Not to mention the fact that they said that quite a few of the people died from Yellow Fever. For some reason, that freaked me out even worse. They died from this HORRIBLE disease and we were standing on them with them being, like, 1 or 2 feet below the surface. And the fact that some of the graves had eroded some to the point of the head stones falling over and it making a little pit...I was SO afraid I'd see skelaton or something...Yes, I do realize I watch CSI on a regular basis, but I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE BODIES.
We also went to Betsy Ross's house and on this cool bus tour that took us all over. It was really neat! So, that night when we went home, we dropped by Carolyn's (the mom) parents house. Lo and behold, they live 2 doors down from a grave yard similar to the one we toured. No kidding. AND, to top that, the dog got out and was running around across the street and through it and stuff...I refused to go into it...I couldn't do 2 in one day...I have nightmares about the 1 as is! I was finally the "hero" that caught the dumb dog, Bailey. Lol, after that, she would NOT leave me alone and followed me everywhere. Hence the consistant drool marks just above my knees and in my crotch.
The house is nice, it's a great size and I have my own room that's painted a deep red color that looks really elegant and a HUGE closet. They also have 4 cats, 2 of which slept with me. :-) I don't mind that though, I like cats! I'll have a nice little Jimmy GMC to drive, I think it's about a 2000 or so. It's cute and I've always wanted an SUV!
Well, her parents offered to drive me back to Philly (about an hour drive) so I could catch my plane, so I ended up spending Sunday night at their house. Yeah, by the grave yard. I tell you what, I didn't sleep too well that night...It would have been worse if my window overlooked it, I can tell you that! Her parents are soooo sweet and the grandma packed me a lunch for the plane, isn't that cute???
So, I realized that I have terrible plane sickeness. Yeah, I got queasy on the other flights, but not to the extent of the flight from Philly to Ohio. I definitely barfed and occupied the tiny bathroom of the plane for the first 45 minutes of the trip. And after hitting a nice patch of turbulence, for another 15 minutes after that. The flight attendant was like, um, are you okay? I was like, I will be...haha, and she moved me to an aisle and brought me some sprite and a barf bag. I splurged on the layover and spend 5 freakin bucks on 12 tiny little dramamine pills. Stupid expensive things kept me from throwing up on the next flight though...
*sigh* I've realized how much it hurts me when my friends hurt. I have a couple friends who are going through some rough times lately, and it doesn't just make me like, "aww, I'm sorry, I'll pray for you" but I seriously hurt for them and cry for them. I hate it when my friends are un happy, and I hate it even worse when there's nothing I can do. I had a friend the otherday when we were talking about her and her boyfriend and how happy she was and how in love she was and I told her that I was sooo happy that she was happy actually thank me for that because she had another friend who tried to ruin it because her friend wasn't happy when she was. That's just terrible, I couldn't ever do that.
I just wish I could be stronger myself. Alot of things have been cropping up about Ilse lately and I find myself thinking about her alot more. I thought I was doing well...but I dunno...maybe it's becuase a year ago May 16th will be the day I met her, or maybe because her fourth birthday was sometime this month...or maybe it's because I have a friend who's hurting right now about the "loss" of a baby and I understand sooo much of what she's feeling. It hurts so bad...It's undescribable unless you've been through it yourself, yet you can never really put it into words. It's almost like a deep ache in your heart and it takes your breath away because it hurts so bad...yet, it's not physical sometimes, it's more mental. I dunno...I told this friend who said that she didn't like crying and that she was sick of it that the tears to help, and they do. I'm so sick of crying too, yet, it happens anyways and I've realized that each time I cry, I cry a little shorter amount of time and the tears come a little less easily. Sometimes, I'll think I see her somewhere, yet I know it couldn't be her, she wouldn't be anywhere near her. Like today, when walking into the student center, I saw her face in the reflection and I turned around really quickly but it was another little girl about her age and size that was with someone. Or I'll be out in public and I'll see a little girl that looks just like her...I wonder where she is right now and if she's safe. I may never know....
I regret so much leaving one week early...if I would have stayed ONE more week, I would have known that she was leaving and that I would never get to see her again and I could have prepared she and I better...but I didn't. I gave in. I'm the worst person in the world for letting her down...How could I?? I just don't know how I could have done it...I was so selfish. I shouldn't have left her, I should have stayed. I was the only one who never hurt her, yet I did...and I can't go back and fix it. Every once in awhile, I'll get a sudden thought of her and get really worried...it's like I know that something is happening to her at that particular moment, like there's this connection. I talked to my councilor about it, and he said that maybe it is what's happening, but if so, that maybe she can feel how much I love and and will be comforted by that when she's being hurt. I sure hope so...I hope that deep down, she'll remember me. I quit praying long ago that I'd get to see her again, because if I got to see her, it'd be because her family would be hurting her again, and I don't want that. So, I just pray for her safety now and that she'll know that somewhere out there, someone loves her VERY much and would do anything to get her back. Maybe she does know that...maybe she looks for my face in the crowd down in Cuauhtemoc just like I search for hers when I'm there. Maybe I'll see her again, I don't know. But I can't encourage my friend enough NOT to break ties with her little one...it's not worth it. I did, and I regret it SO much...It hurts so much more if you don't know how they are or what's going on.
I'm done now...I need a nap. Prayers would be nice...It's been a long couple weeks and I have a long couple weeks ahead of me...Pray for my strength in my issues, that I don't stumble again like I so often do.