(no subject)
March 21st, 2004
I was bored, so I put a CD in and layed down on the floor, reading a letter I found from Jon. I sat the letter down and stared at the ceiling while listening to the CD playing. My eyes started closing, but I would just force them open again. This happened about 4 times, and i'm not sure where I fell asleep at exactly, but it was somewhere during one of those 4 times. I decided to stand up this time so I wouldn't fall asleep (note: I AM sleeping). The song Fine Again by Seether started playing on my CD. I grabbed the bottle of Listerine (mouth wash) from my dresser and pressed play on my answering machine (note again: while I *do* have Listerine on my dresser, I have no answering machine). The answering machine came on and I had messages playing from all kinds of people: Jon, Luis, Jake, Chelsea, Ashley, Josh, Ronnie (I don't even know him), Corey (Dunno him either...except a little online), Ricky, and some other people I forgot. Each one went on about how great their lives where and how happy they were and how good their relationships where going. As they were speaking, I took the cap off the Listerine bottle and put it towards my mouth. I waited a while while listening to them. Then, I started downing the whole bottle (if ya didn't know this, Listerine is poisonious). I didn't feel any immediate effects, so I just kept listening to the answering machine, but it was getting drowned out by the radio (Fine Again still playing). Then, everything went completely silent and I heard the next message on the machine play. "Honey?" As soon as I heard my mom's voice say this on the answering machine, I got a extremly sharp pain in my stomache and I dropped to the floor. Fine Again blasted back onto the radio. I rolled over onto my back and continued to listen, my mom's voice almost drowned out by the radio, "Look, I'm sorry for how I reacted. Your my son and I love you no matter what, even if you are gay." As she was talking, my body begun to convulse and the song just kept repeating one verse over and over : 'one day too late, i'm in hell'. "I just want you to be happy", she went on, "Everythings gonna be better, you'll see. I love you, and I don't even want to think about what would happen if I lost you," I started crawling towards my door, wanting to get help, the radio seemed to drown out the faint sounds I made (still saying the same thing: 'one day too late, i'm in hell'). Everything was getting blurry, and I knew it was too late, so I just layed on my back and shut my eyes. "You mean the world to me, and i'm so proud of you. You know i'd love you no matter what." I could feel tears running down my face at this point. Everything was fading away. I heard the hall door open and my mom knocked on my door, saying (in the nicest, most sweetest voice) "Honey, open the door, there's something funny I have to tell you.", She sounded excited and happy. I knew i'd never get to talk to her or see her again. I wished I hadn't locked my door or had my radio on so loud ('one day too late, i'm in hell' still repeating). Tears where everywhere and I remember thinking, just before everything went to black, that 'I don't want to die' and then everything disappeared and I was dead. I flung my eye's open (I was awake now). Fine Again just finished playing on the stereo. I could feel tears still pouring down my face. Had I been crying while I was asleep? The first thing I did was grab the Listerine bottle and poured it all down the drain (kinda silly now) but I was so scared. I wasn't even sure if it was all a dream or not, even though in the dream I drank the whole bottle, yet it was full when I woke up. I still don't want to go to sleep. I didn't like that dream at all and how real it was. I don't want to die.. not like that.
Work was dreadful yet again due to the soreness in my throat. Once I got off, I had to drop Ronnie off at his work so I did that and came back home and browsed a few sites. I got bored and decided to mess with my hair a little and managed to style it in some half way decent style, so I decided to surprise Ronnie at work. He took his 30 min. break with me. It was nice. I decided to stay up there the rest of the night until he got off. I talked to Karen a couple times (the girl who went with us to the movies yesterday) and her boyfriend Brian was there too so I talked to him a little bit. They're both really nice, I like them. Then we came home, watched an eppy of Will & Grace and now I'm here typing this. I have tomorrow off so I’m just going to rent a movie, order a pizza and stay in =)