Don't know where this is going...
...prepare your selves. I don't know where this is going, what I'm gunna talk about or how many people I may offend, lol. It's just something I wanna type out, and not talk out. Maybe if I see what I want to mean, then I can work though it. or.something like that.
.and off we go.
Well today in welding I told my professor that I didn't have the mentality to weld today. I told him with things on my mind, I didn't have the patience to sit there and play with fukin electrodes (minus the F bomb) to get a spark. No tolerance, no patience, I just couldn't do it. It was a mental and physical thing. I felt the anger in my hands and in my head. Just wasn't happening.
Then I sat and realized with every thing I'm going through and have been going through for years now, one would think that I would of rebeled to the end of the earth. Any other person would of by now, I mean, physco screw ups for parents who don't fukin understand any thing your going through, who don't give you any respect, and the whole treating me like a 5 year old is looooong old now-your on a first name basis with your dad (not that is phases me cause he's a jurk but it's whack to any one else)-constant lack of care from some one (aka a bf, but what ever)-a job that you HATE with a passion that gets you NO WHERE towards what your working for in college-first loss of a blood relative-your friend kinda sorta butt not choosing a douche bag, cock suckin, cum guzzling, donkey fucking, bullshit talking, gun threatening, lying little pussy, friend destroying, WANNA BE ganster mother fucker waste of life human being guy over you (by the way, the few of u who know who this cum guzzling guy is, I told her that when I see him, I am going to BEG him to put a gun to my face next time I see him in the streets to see what this pussy does), constant god damn money problems, lack of sleep...I mean, I must of been a spawn of satan in a previous life to deal with this shit. There is a saying that goes something like, "god can only do so much of something...before you break" some shit like that, point being when is it gunna stop?
Am I going to have a mental break down and completely loose it before things clear up? I know I sound like I'm whinning but fuck you, I mean, ok I know every one has their own problems and I "things could be worse" but ya know what? I'm not fukin superwoman! I can't save the world, those problems aren't mine and there is nothing I can do about them, so I am left to deal with me. I have solutions for them, but you gotta do shit yourself, don't wanna be a homeless train bum, find one of those nifty posters that give phone numbers for shelters and get out of the cold, find a cop and ask for help. Ok now I'm going on a tangent, any who.
So yea, umm. I kinda think it's starting to get to me I have been waking up at weird times of the night and I know that when I am stressed like hell, my sleep is veryyyy irregular. It's so routine, I get stressed, I think it's nothing but my subconcience tells me other wise. It starts with not being able to fall asleep, then it turns into, I'm waking up wayy to long before my alarm or I'm jolting wide-eyed-awake at like 2-3 am. and these past few nights have been like that, kinda not falling asleep right away, thoughts racing through my mind, waking up like nothing at whack times...so yea...I'm wiggin out. I mean there is only so much I can talk to you guys about before I think I'm becoming a burden. (even though you guys tell me I'm not <3 :)) I really really need a vacation. I want to go to Cali so bad, just be with my relatives, have fun, wake up when I want, just relax, uuugh. I need a mental/physical vacation sooo badly. Hell if I could go to FL this weekend just to see my Aunt and Uncle I would. I don't even think I can ask my grandma to pay for a plane ticket, I mean I'm know her and my aunts and cousins would be more than happy to pay for my ticket but, that means I would miss work and with my cousins wedding and a third year of college coming up, I can't even do that. I sware to god this job is gunna be the death of me...or my hunger. Time to go eat lunch. SO, if you have read this through, uhh, thanks? If your going to comment I thank you again in advance, now I must go before my stomach acids pick on my stomach lining, peace out cub scouts.
With much much love...
~>jEn*
.and off we go.
Well today in welding I told my professor that I didn't have the mentality to weld today. I told him with things on my mind, I didn't have the patience to sit there and play with fukin electrodes (minus the F bomb) to get a spark. No tolerance, no patience, I just couldn't do it. It was a mental and physical thing. I felt the anger in my hands and in my head. Just wasn't happening.
Then I sat and realized with every thing I'm going through and have been going through for years now, one would think that I would of rebeled to the end of the earth. Any other person would of by now, I mean, physco screw ups for parents who don't fukin understand any thing your going through, who don't give you any respect, and the whole treating me like a 5 year old is looooong old now-your on a first name basis with your dad (not that is phases me cause he's a jurk but it's whack to any one else)-constant lack of care from some one (aka a bf, but what ever)-a job that you HATE with a passion that gets you NO WHERE towards what your working for in college-first loss of a blood relative-your friend kinda sorta butt not choosing a douche bag, cock suckin, cum guzzling, donkey fucking, bullshit talking, gun threatening, lying little pussy, friend destroying, WANNA BE ganster mother fucker waste of life human being guy over you (by the way, the few of u who know who this cum guzzling guy is, I told her that when I see him, I am going to BEG him to put a gun to my face next time I see him in the streets to see what this pussy does), constant god damn money problems, lack of sleep...I mean, I must of been a spawn of satan in a previous life to deal with this shit. There is a saying that goes something like, "god can only do so much of something...before you break" some shit like that, point being when is it gunna stop?
Am I going to have a mental break down and completely loose it before things clear up? I know I sound like I'm whinning but fuck you, I mean, ok I know every one has their own problems and I "things could be worse" but ya know what? I'm not fukin superwoman! I can't save the world, those problems aren't mine and there is nothing I can do about them, so I am left to deal with me. I have solutions for them, but you gotta do shit yourself, don't wanna be a homeless train bum, find one of those nifty posters that give phone numbers for shelters and get out of the cold, find a cop and ask for help. Ok now I'm going on a tangent, any who.
So yea, umm. I kinda think it's starting to get to me I have been waking up at weird times of the night and I know that when I am stressed like hell, my sleep is veryyyy irregular. It's so routine, I get stressed, I think it's nothing but my subconcience tells me other wise. It starts with not being able to fall asleep, then it turns into, I'm waking up wayy to long before my alarm or I'm jolting wide-eyed-awake at like 2-3 am. and these past few nights have been like that, kinda not falling asleep right away, thoughts racing through my mind, waking up like nothing at whack times...so yea...I'm wiggin out. I mean there is only so much I can talk to you guys about before I think I'm becoming a burden. (even though you guys tell me I'm not <3 :)) I really really need a vacation. I want to go to Cali so bad, just be with my relatives, have fun, wake up when I want, just relax, uuugh. I need a mental/physical vacation sooo badly. Hell if I could go to FL this weekend just to see my Aunt and Uncle I would. I don't even think I can ask my grandma to pay for a plane ticket, I mean I'm know her and my aunts and cousins would be more than happy to pay for my ticket but, that means I would miss work and with my cousins wedding and a third year of college coming up, I can't even do that. I sware to god this job is gunna be the death of me...or my hunger. Time to go eat lunch. SO, if you have read this through, uhh, thanks? If your going to comment I thank you again in advance, now I must go before my stomach acids pick on my stomach lining, peace out cub scouts.
With much much love...
~>jEn*