I'm out of my...mind.
A while back, I decided to own my feelings. If I start to feel something, instead of pushing those feelings back, I try to allow myself to really feel and figure out WHAT exactly I feel and why. In a way, it's a good plan. On the other hand, it can be dangerous. Sometimes being completely honest with yourself isn't exactly the most comforting, safest thing in the world. At least not for the heart. It can drive one near crazy.
I'm honest with myself, I'm honest with other ppl, why can't ppl be completely honest with me? Gawd, that's ALL I ASK. I get half assed honesty all the time. Sometimes I just wanna give up on people, but I guess I fear being alone. I suppose alienating yourself from people could do that to a person.
I've already cut myself away from certain things. It's hard. Hard only in the way that my heart won't shut up, even tho the outside has already given up and left.
[Dang it, I hate that it's bothering me so much. I hate not being in control. I hate thinking someone has a hand up on me emotionally. I hate fearing something I shouldn't. I hate feeling like this even though I know I probably have the hand up, if anyone.]
I used to hate sleeping. HATE it. I thought it was such a waste of time, except that when I didn't, it would make me sick, and I guess u have to in order to survive. Other than that, what a waste of my time. I could be doing something else. Something creative. Something productive. Now? I love sleeping. I hate waking up. I love sleeping in. I love hitting snooze. Shoot, the past two nights, I've gone to bed before 1 am. I don't even REMEMBER the last time I did that. Before college? Seriously, I have no recollection of such a thing. Why is all that important? Because I'd rather be asleep than be awake now. Dreams bring an eaiser life for me. My brain isn't working over time. Everything is what it is. Then I wake up and realize nothing is as it seems and I dunno what the hell is going on with anything. I just wake up, get ready, go to work, do nothing to save money, go to sleep, wake up the next morning, and do the same thing all over again. And obsess over how fast I can reach my goals and how much money I need to save each month to reach my first one. THAT would bring me some happiness.
I'm not complaining. My life isn't horrible. It's not even bad. It's freakin' fantastic compared to most. So, no complaining. Just stating the facts.
Confusion. That basically sums my life up right now. And sleep is less confusing.
Right now I'm so angry at myself for being upset over something. So much so that I'm still sitting here wishing I had someone to talk to, even tho he is asleep and won't be able to talk until tomorrow afternoon. And not going to bed. Cuz I can't. My stupid head won't stop. I'm gonna force myself to go to sleep. Then tomorrow, I'll try hard not to wake up. Even if I DO have stuff to get done.
*sigh*
Oh. Another thing. Tonight I didn't go out with a friend. I'm trying to save money. Someone was super nice to me today with phone calls and stuff and I felt like if I went out, it'd be not nice to said person with nice phone calls. So I stayed in. Didn't even TEXTED him that I wasn't going out. Rude. Now I regret it. Some beer woulda done me good.
Ugh.
I'm honest with myself, I'm honest with other ppl, why can't ppl be completely honest with me? Gawd, that's ALL I ASK. I get half assed honesty all the time. Sometimes I just wanna give up on people, but I guess I fear being alone. I suppose alienating yourself from people could do that to a person.
I've already cut myself away from certain things. It's hard. Hard only in the way that my heart won't shut up, even tho the outside has already given up and left.
[Dang it, I hate that it's bothering me so much. I hate not being in control. I hate thinking someone has a hand up on me emotionally. I hate fearing something I shouldn't. I hate feeling like this even though I know I probably have the hand up, if anyone.]
I used to hate sleeping. HATE it. I thought it was such a waste of time, except that when I didn't, it would make me sick, and I guess u have to in order to survive. Other than that, what a waste of my time. I could be doing something else. Something creative. Something productive. Now? I love sleeping. I hate waking up. I love sleeping in. I love hitting snooze. Shoot, the past two nights, I've gone to bed before 1 am. I don't even REMEMBER the last time I did that. Before college? Seriously, I have no recollection of such a thing. Why is all that important? Because I'd rather be asleep than be awake now. Dreams bring an eaiser life for me. My brain isn't working over time. Everything is what it is. Then I wake up and realize nothing is as it seems and I dunno what the hell is going on with anything. I just wake up, get ready, go to work, do nothing to save money, go to sleep, wake up the next morning, and do the same thing all over again. And obsess over how fast I can reach my goals and how much money I need to save each month to reach my first one. THAT would bring me some happiness.
I'm not complaining. My life isn't horrible. It's not even bad. It's freakin' fantastic compared to most. So, no complaining. Just stating the facts.
Confusion. That basically sums my life up right now. And sleep is less confusing.
Right now I'm so angry at myself for being upset over something. So much so that I'm still sitting here wishing I had someone to talk to, even tho he is asleep and won't be able to talk until tomorrow afternoon. And not going to bed. Cuz I can't. My stupid head won't stop. I'm gonna force myself to go to sleep. Then tomorrow, I'll try hard not to wake up. Even if I DO have stuff to get done.
*sigh*
Oh. Another thing. Tonight I didn't go out with a friend. I'm trying to save money. Someone was super nice to me today with phone calls and stuff and I felt like if I went out, it'd be not nice to said person with nice phone calls. So I stayed in. Didn't even TEXTED him that I wasn't going out. Rude. Now I regret it. Some beer woulda done me good.
Ugh.