a moment of realization...
So...about a month ago at church (yes), this guy was doing a talk about "cleaning your canvas" and grace and all that good stuff... Well... It was during a time when some stuff with Corbin was goin on...and I was like...not knowing what to do...And with that plus a talk with Mrs Jefferies, I realized "hey, there's some stuff in life that I just don't need....maybe I should focus my attention on ME instead of all the bullshit." So...that's what I've been tryin to do for a month. In the beginning I was doing great!! And I was so proud of myself...i think I peaked too soon, bcuz slowly I started to come back to what I had been doing. not completely but somewhat. SO...some stuff happened and for the first time, I felt ashamed and it was kinda like a smack in the face. So...since then I've just been realizing how things REALLY are. How things seem and how they really are, are two totally different things.
So that brings me to this weekend...For SO long, I've been struggling with the fact that I have four seperate groups of friends. Now, for some reasons it's bcuz some ppl don't go to my school. Or another group, majority of them are not in my grade. But for the most part...the groups are separated bcuz of dislike. OK...so that's not my fault. But when I get put in the middle of EVERY SINGLE argument, or problem...it becomes an annoyance. Now, in most cases, the ones who don't like each other are usually fake to each other in person, or just do not cross paths....And I try to make sure that they don't cross paths bcuz that would have me choosing sides, which is something I do not like to do. SO! I try to make reasonable choices with the assurance that my friends love me enough to say "ok well I understand that's a choice u had to make." But...they don't. Of course they don't. One thing that u will never see me involved in, is drama. I'm a senior in high school and I think I'm a BIT old for that...so I try my best to avoid it. But when people around me are involved...it kinda gets me involved. SO...I try to like...control it. Os that's what I did this weekend. One friend said "Hey Ash, I want you to be a part of sumthing but I don't want you to tell your friend bcuz you know and she knows that I don't like her...and I don't want her to participate." So I said "...OK?" Now...I understood why I shouldnt tell my other friend and I didnt wanna betray the trust of this friend by telling her secret. So I didnt say anything. So...the same friend told friend B who is friends with friend A (the friend who is disliked). SO friend B was like.."oh yea she told me about it...I might participate." So I'm like..well hey I guess it's cool then but friend A sure is gonna be pissed when she finds out... SO I said...ok...I invited another friend (since we always hang out and she has to drive since I dont have my license :-/) and we went to this little gathering of sorts. Stayed for like...and hour...and then we had to leave. So...friend A calls me all PISSED off bcuz friend B told her that I...alone...was keeping this thing a secret...hhmmm....NOW...#1 it was NOT my place to tell her about the party bcuz hey...it wasnt my party. #2...I didnt tell her cuz I thought "wow that's kinda mean to be the only one not to get invited to someone's party....that might hurt her feelings" And #3 friend A is known for starting drama...I think I know her pretty darn well... so I'm pretty sure I know what would have possibly happened. but who knows...I could be wrong.
Ok so...I don't understand what I did wrong here. I'm sure I would have done the same for her if that were the case. but fuck it. I apologized...but what happened happened...and basically there's nothing i can do about it. I did feel bad about it...until I got ganged up on...hhmmm....
SO in light of this situation, I have come to the conclusion...May 25. 2006. Is my liberation day. Half the people I am "friends" with now, I would care not to be friends with in the future and I probably won't see them ever again anyway. So...oh well...Another thing...I have lost things more valuable. I lost the most valuable thing I think I could ever lose (next to my mother and father) on October 18. 2005 to be exact and it shocks me that anyone would think that they are that important to me. In short, I have enough problems to deal with so I'll let this be the least of them...
And I think you know that I'm talking about you. So...think about how STUPID this is...and get over it.
So that brings me to this weekend...For SO long, I've been struggling with the fact that I have four seperate groups of friends. Now, for some reasons it's bcuz some ppl don't go to my school. Or another group, majority of them are not in my grade. But for the most part...the groups are separated bcuz of dislike. OK...so that's not my fault. But when I get put in the middle of EVERY SINGLE argument, or problem...it becomes an annoyance. Now, in most cases, the ones who don't like each other are usually fake to each other in person, or just do not cross paths....And I try to make sure that they don't cross paths bcuz that would have me choosing sides, which is something I do not like to do. SO! I try to make reasonable choices with the assurance that my friends love me enough to say "ok well I understand that's a choice u had to make." But...they don't. Of course they don't. One thing that u will never see me involved in, is drama. I'm a senior in high school and I think I'm a BIT old for that...so I try my best to avoid it. But when people around me are involved...it kinda gets me involved. SO...I try to like...control it. Os that's what I did this weekend. One friend said "Hey Ash, I want you to be a part of sumthing but I don't want you to tell your friend bcuz you know and she knows that I don't like her...and I don't want her to participate." So I said "...OK?" Now...I understood why I shouldnt tell my other friend and I didnt wanna betray the trust of this friend by telling her secret. So I didnt say anything. So...the same friend told friend B who is friends with friend A (the friend who is disliked). SO friend B was like.."oh yea she told me about it...I might participate." So I'm like..well hey I guess it's cool then but friend A sure is gonna be pissed when she finds out... SO I said...ok...I invited another friend (since we always hang out and she has to drive since I dont have my license :-/) and we went to this little gathering of sorts. Stayed for like...and hour...and then we had to leave. So...friend A calls me all PISSED off bcuz friend B told her that I...alone...was keeping this thing a secret...hhmmm....NOW...#1 it was NOT my place to tell her about the party bcuz hey...it wasnt my party. #2...I didnt tell her cuz I thought "wow that's kinda mean to be the only one not to get invited to someone's party....that might hurt her feelings" And #3 friend A is known for starting drama...I think I know her pretty darn well... so I'm pretty sure I know what would have possibly happened. but who knows...I could be wrong.
Ok so...I don't understand what I did wrong here. I'm sure I would have done the same for her if that were the case. but fuck it. I apologized...but what happened happened...and basically there's nothing i can do about it. I did feel bad about it...until I got ganged up on...hhmmm....
SO in light of this situation, I have come to the conclusion...May 25. 2006. Is my liberation day. Half the people I am "friends" with now, I would care not to be friends with in the future and I probably won't see them ever again anyway. So...oh well...Another thing...I have lost things more valuable. I lost the most valuable thing I think I could ever lose (next to my mother and father) on October 18. 2005 to be exact and it shocks me that anyone would think that they are that important to me. In short, I have enough problems to deal with so I'll let this be the least of them...
And I think you know that I'm talking about you. So...think about how STUPID this is...and get over it.