back to my baby journal
not sure why I'm updating once again; I've sworn off livejournal so many times, but always seem to come back like a bad habit. something about spilling thoughts as they come as opposed to the slow process of attempting to put them down on paper appeals to me..or my laziness..whatever. 50 comments on my last entry, however, does not; the catch is being unable to be completely honest..i hate that this little blog becomes a stage of sorts...(you know how i feel about stages.) Every time I go back and lock all of the entries in which I revealed something real, pieces of my heart..vowing not to write anymore. It could be also the amount that I change..even reading back just a few entries, I feel i'm barely the girl I was then. Disgusted with shallow entries..i long to be 100% genuine..contradiction. Anyways.. no one updates anymore. (it's time for a new user-picture too..Hannie took this one when we were 15 :o)..
Why He has me here is a mystery to me. This week was both a blessing and a challenge- I am so full of doubt.. Like Peter, walking towards Jesus, focused, full of light - then, the next moment, falling into the water. Like drowning. Like the crisis i know is drawing near, yet somehow cannot bring myself to fight against. This is when I fall into His arms; this is when I am drawn to my knees- my independence gone, I must rely on Him. And He says to me, my child, why did you wait so long? 'And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?' I want to protest, to question..being a leader- it's against every ion of my personality. Opposite. One of my greatest weaknesses. Felt like such a failure half the time. Though i did feel so distracted from the task at hand for reasons other than doubt..even cried to sleep a few times, when i did sleep. Scared for everything I left behind, and that it would be worse when i returned..not that I have the power to stop anything. Still, so afraid for my friends. Close to losing one even more than i already have.
I'm in a sober state of mind, to say the least. On top of things, Dad, in attempts to get my attention this afternoon ( ALL i wanted was some serious alone time after sitting between 2 middle school boys all the way home from New Jersey), reminded me of his 17-year-old patient David he's been giving us updates about for the past several months- the hospital just put him on Codeine; the family doesn't know yet, but it means they've given up, so basically they're willing to poison him in order to stop the pain, since he won't be around for long anyway. A brain tumor.
I don't understand His ways..I don't understand why she has to be torn up inside by her past to the point of wanting nothing more than to end it all, just to stop the pain...why he has to die when he's barely had the chance to live...why someone, a Christian, would violate and corrupt the innocence of a little girl. All I can do is pray..pouring out my heart to Him is comfort like I've never known. have been learning a lot about prayer recently- especially last week.. I think the highlight of the week was walking slow around the camp during the quiet time, feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit so powerfully..I was wishing i had my notebook with me, I wanted so badly to write it all down- to remember every detail of that experience. The reverence and quiet so opposite the usual nature of the kids, as they sought Him personally.. the beauty of the skylit water beneath the sunset..thought of 'The breathtaking God' (Augustine?). Afterwards the blessings continued to flow- during cabin time, my girls were really open to sharing..something that had been a struggle before (like pulling teeth). i never gave Tonya enough credit...and never realized how hard it is to collect the right words to explain things that I understand so well; just holding their attention was difficult enough. Have never taught anything before, ever.. I know I can relate one on one, and connect with them personally..I've always been able to do that with kids, but trying to teach a group of them was completely foreign. Ah-another highlight- playing with Andrew Broadwater for open mic night..it's so wonderful to meet others with a passion for music..more on this later.
Tonight was nice..went to LAC, now known as 'The Lava Lounge'..hehe. (i came straight from dropping off kids & camp..I was so gross, but it's not like I had anything to change into anyway due to lost luggage.). Was just in time for Matt's last couple of songs- and then Engrafted played. I love watching Morgan sing, she is so expressive..her voice is powerful, with a roughness about it that I envy. After, Tim + Matt and I (and TimA, sort of..) sat outside and talked for hours..it was so nice to feel back at home and accepted again..I guess that was the worst part about camp..my tendency to feel like a middle schooler..though only with the other leaders. It was interesting watching the kids file in, in the midst of the deafening noise..i just kept thinking, these are the kids that intimidated me so much? Harvey Cedars brings back mixed feelings ...a bit of nostalgia tossed in with insecurity and dread..ha, oh middle school..
starting to worry..my head feels like it's burning (Pedro..Napoleon trigger..). All of this probably makes little sense, and i'm sure no one will even get this far, but it is good just to type..although i have so much more that I want to remember. Had next to no time for journaling this week, really. Getting sick...yuck..time for my own bed instead of the hard bunk mattress and my room instead of the rotton fish smell in our room, thanks to Melissa (my favorite. such an adorable, unique kid), who had a giant collection of "sea animals" by the end of the week, stored on the table next to our bed. Mmm.. . . stop.. typing.. now. .
Why He has me here is a mystery to me. This week was both a blessing and a challenge- I am so full of doubt.. Like Peter, walking towards Jesus, focused, full of light - then, the next moment, falling into the water. Like drowning. Like the crisis i know is drawing near, yet somehow cannot bring myself to fight against. This is when I fall into His arms; this is when I am drawn to my knees- my independence gone, I must rely on Him. And He says to me, my child, why did you wait so long? 'And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?' I want to protest, to question..being a leader- it's against every ion of my personality. Opposite. One of my greatest weaknesses. Felt like such a failure half the time. Though i did feel so distracted from the task at hand for reasons other than doubt..even cried to sleep a few times, when i did sleep. Scared for everything I left behind, and that it would be worse when i returned..not that I have the power to stop anything. Still, so afraid for my friends. Close to losing one even more than i already have.
I'm in a sober state of mind, to say the least. On top of things, Dad, in attempts to get my attention this afternoon ( ALL i wanted was some serious alone time after sitting between 2 middle school boys all the way home from New Jersey), reminded me of his 17-year-old patient David he's been giving us updates about for the past several months- the hospital just put him on Codeine; the family doesn't know yet, but it means they've given up, so basically they're willing to poison him in order to stop the pain, since he won't be around for long anyway. A brain tumor.
I don't understand His ways..I don't understand why she has to be torn up inside by her past to the point of wanting nothing more than to end it all, just to stop the pain...why he has to die when he's barely had the chance to live...why someone, a Christian, would violate and corrupt the innocence of a little girl. All I can do is pray..pouring out my heart to Him is comfort like I've never known. have been learning a lot about prayer recently- especially last week.. I think the highlight of the week was walking slow around the camp during the quiet time, feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit so powerfully..I was wishing i had my notebook with me, I wanted so badly to write it all down- to remember every detail of that experience. The reverence and quiet so opposite the usual nature of the kids, as they sought Him personally.. the beauty of the skylit water beneath the sunset..thought of 'The breathtaking God' (Augustine?). Afterwards the blessings continued to flow- during cabin time, my girls were really open to sharing..something that had been a struggle before (like pulling teeth). i never gave Tonya enough credit...and never realized how hard it is to collect the right words to explain things that I understand so well; just holding their attention was difficult enough. Have never taught anything before, ever.. I know I can relate one on one, and connect with them personally..I've always been able to do that with kids, but trying to teach a group of them was completely foreign. Ah-another highlight- playing with Andrew Broadwater for open mic night..it's so wonderful to meet others with a passion for music..more on this later.
Tonight was nice..went to LAC, now known as 'The Lava Lounge'..hehe. (i came straight from dropping off kids & camp..I was so gross, but it's not like I had anything to change into anyway due to lost luggage.). Was just in time for Matt's last couple of songs- and then Engrafted played. I love watching Morgan sing, she is so expressive..her voice is powerful, with a roughness about it that I envy. After, Tim + Matt and I (and TimA, sort of..) sat outside and talked for hours..it was so nice to feel back at home and accepted again..I guess that was the worst part about camp..my tendency to feel like a middle schooler..though only with the other leaders. It was interesting watching the kids file in, in the midst of the deafening noise..i just kept thinking, these are the kids that intimidated me so much? Harvey Cedars brings back mixed feelings ...a bit of nostalgia tossed in with insecurity and dread..ha, oh middle school..
starting to worry..my head feels like it's burning (Pedro..Napoleon trigger..). All of this probably makes little sense, and i'm sure no one will even get this far, but it is good just to type..although i have so much more that I want to remember. Had next to no time for journaling this week, really. Getting sick...yuck..time for my own bed instead of the hard bunk mattress and my room instead of the rotton fish smell in our room, thanks to Melissa (my favorite. such an adorable, unique kid), who had a giant collection of "sea animals" by the end of the week, stored on the table next to our bed. Mmm.. . . stop.. typing.. now. .