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so, this weekend was good. until i got home earlier [this afternoon] around 1-ish.
FRIDAY- walked home from school with Paige and her boyfriend Joe. we went to Joe's house. hung out with his new adorable baby puppy and got baked. and then my mom called from paige's house while we were still at joe's house. i didn't tell her we were stopping there first. so i for sure thought i wasn't going to see them again anytime soon. but my mom was pretty nice about it after she yelled at me and took me home. i went to bed early that night.
SATURDAY- woke up early, got ready and my uncle Don & his wife Jeanne came and picked me up on their way to Beloit, Wisconsin. We got there, I got to see ben and after the first like, 20mins of akward-ness past, we started to talk and hang out. me, donald, jeanne, micheal, maddie, maddie's cousin [little emilee]and ben's mom [i cant think of her name right now] went to a pumkin picking place. they got some pumkins and we went through a maze type thing. it was alright. saturday night, ben and i rented some horror movie, but didn't get too far into it. we smoked. and not too long after, unfortunatly.. Jeanne came to pick me, maddie and little emilee up to go 2 blocks and go to sleep.
SUNDAY- woke up early, got ready, went to church [yes.. i was at church] and then we went back to Jeanne's dad's house and they made this huge breakfast, but i wasn't hungry, so i didn't eat. i got to hang out with ben for a little while and then we left.
so up until then, everything was good. and i had fun seeing ben again. i hadn't seen him since the 4th of july before this weekend, so it was awhile. and he was looking as cute as ever. [adorable].<33
then, i got home and my mom said 'she needed to talk to me'. i thought i was in trouble and she found out that i started smoking or something. but, she said 'something really bad has happened'. and she kept putting off telling me, like she got a phone call and didn't answer it and she kept hesitating to tell me what was up. but then she said it. 'mark is dead'. i'm thinking 'what are you talking about lady?' but it was true. my step dad, practically my dad, was dead. he was killed.
he'd been out taking a joy ride on his motorcycle, which he did often. and was on his way home when a car hit him. he didn't die instantly though. the cop said that he had a slight pulse when the paramatics got to the scene. they took him to the hospital and they worked on him for an hour & 1/2 until he was offically announced, dead. they couldn't revive him. he was on his way home, only 6 blocks away from his house.
i have many regrets and things i wish i could take back or do differently if i could rewind time.
i was stoned when he got killed. i lost touch with him after him being my dad since i was 2 or 3. i hadn't talked to him in months. but, he was coming up here to chicago- to see us in early november. my step sister- Elizabeth was getting married next month too. Mark already paid for the wedding. but, now she doesn't have a dad to walk her down the aisle, as they had obviously planned. Mark was going to walk me down the aisle, if i ever get married. he was my dad. i considered him my dad. since my biological dad really hasn't had much to do in my life. i guess it true when they said 'you don't know what you have until it's gone'. now i know to keep in touch with everyone i care about, because you never know when something could happen to them. you could very easily never see or talk to them again. and i didn't realize how easy that was to happen until today.
i've finally settled down and i'm not sure if i really believe he's gone or if i'm still in shock.
my mom and i are flying out to las vegas tomorrow around 3-ish, pm. and we're coming back here, i think wednesday night. maybe thursday morning. and i think there's 6 people that are going to see him tomorrow. and i am one of those 6. but, it's not like an open casket or anything. we go to the funeral home and see him laying on a silver slab with a while cloth over him, up to his neck. we only get to see his face. but, i think i need to see him for some closer. to know that it's really him. and that he's peaceful. i know he was happy in vegas, getting to know his daughter again after some time and his grandson, Ewan who is now, 5 years old. he lived with them. he loved to go ride on his motorcycle and play poker. he was like, in a poker club type thing. where he played matches or games against other people, like tournements or something.
i was in the middle of writing him a letter because it had been so long since we talked and i missed him. just to see how everything was going and how he was. how vegas was.
i wish i would have just called him and talked to him sometimes.
i know he wasn't supposed to die like this. it wasn't supposed to happen this way.
i miss knowing that he was ok and/or doing good. because now i don't know how he was.
nor will i ever know how he truely feels cause i never really talked to him about him & my mom seperating. i'll always wonder why though. the question will run through my head a million times a day. just WHY this had to happen to me. to this family. to my family. to him, mark. everyone is pretty torn up about it. and i know i am. i don't really know how or if i will ever get past it. but, i know i will for sure never forget about him. no matter what. i'll always remember him as the father i never had, biologically. but really, mark was my father. and he was ok with the fact that i wasn't his boioical daughter. i know he loved me for who i was. i used to talk to him about pot and cigarette smoking. this was before i had ever done it. and he said that everyone does it. he wouldn't ever try to make me do it or to talk me out of it. he said just be safe doing whatever i wanted to do and be happy with whoever i become. he was great and giving advice and the best carpender i have or will ever meet.
there were 2 boys [under the age of 20] that hit him. they were arrested last night and are now being charged with Vehicular Man Slaughter. and will probably serve sometime and alot of money. i'm going to go back to vegas for their court trial. which probably isn't for 6-8 months though.
this is one of my first journal entries. but, i needed to get that out. i guess, talk about it. to someone. anyone who would take the time to read it all, i guess.
i just want him to know that i'll never forget him. and i miss him already. not knowing where he is or how he's doing. i still can't believe you're gone. but i'll be ok, i promise. and i hope you are too.
RIP. October 15, 2005.<3 **i'll never forget.
FRIDAY- walked home from school with Paige and her boyfriend Joe. we went to Joe's house. hung out with his new adorable baby puppy and got baked. and then my mom called from paige's house while we were still at joe's house. i didn't tell her we were stopping there first. so i for sure thought i wasn't going to see them again anytime soon. but my mom was pretty nice about it after she yelled at me and took me home. i went to bed early that night.
SATURDAY- woke up early, got ready and my uncle Don & his wife Jeanne came and picked me up on their way to Beloit, Wisconsin. We got there, I got to see ben and after the first like, 20mins of akward-ness past, we started to talk and hang out. me, donald, jeanne, micheal, maddie, maddie's cousin [little emilee]and ben's mom [i cant think of her name right now] went to a pumkin picking place. they got some pumkins and we went through a maze type thing. it was alright. saturday night, ben and i rented some horror movie, but didn't get too far into it. we smoked. and not too long after, unfortunatly.. Jeanne came to pick me, maddie and little emilee up to go 2 blocks and go to sleep.
SUNDAY- woke up early, got ready, went to church [yes.. i was at church] and then we went back to Jeanne's dad's house and they made this huge breakfast, but i wasn't hungry, so i didn't eat. i got to hang out with ben for a little while and then we left.
so up until then, everything was good. and i had fun seeing ben again. i hadn't seen him since the 4th of july before this weekend, so it was awhile. and he was looking as cute as ever. [adorable].<33
then, i got home and my mom said 'she needed to talk to me'. i thought i was in trouble and she found out that i started smoking or something. but, she said 'something really bad has happened'. and she kept putting off telling me, like she got a phone call and didn't answer it and she kept hesitating to tell me what was up. but then she said it. 'mark is dead'. i'm thinking 'what are you talking about lady?' but it was true. my step dad, practically my dad, was dead. he was killed.
he'd been out taking a joy ride on his motorcycle, which he did often. and was on his way home when a car hit him. he didn't die instantly though. the cop said that he had a slight pulse when the paramatics got to the scene. they took him to the hospital and they worked on him for an hour & 1/2 until he was offically announced, dead. they couldn't revive him. he was on his way home, only 6 blocks away from his house.
i have many regrets and things i wish i could take back or do differently if i could rewind time.
i was stoned when he got killed. i lost touch with him after him being my dad since i was 2 or 3. i hadn't talked to him in months. but, he was coming up here to chicago- to see us in early november. my step sister- Elizabeth was getting married next month too. Mark already paid for the wedding. but, now she doesn't have a dad to walk her down the aisle, as they had obviously planned. Mark was going to walk me down the aisle, if i ever get married. he was my dad. i considered him my dad. since my biological dad really hasn't had much to do in my life. i guess it true when they said 'you don't know what you have until it's gone'. now i know to keep in touch with everyone i care about, because you never know when something could happen to them. you could very easily never see or talk to them again. and i didn't realize how easy that was to happen until today.
i've finally settled down and i'm not sure if i really believe he's gone or if i'm still in shock.
my mom and i are flying out to las vegas tomorrow around 3-ish, pm. and we're coming back here, i think wednesday night. maybe thursday morning. and i think there's 6 people that are going to see him tomorrow. and i am one of those 6. but, it's not like an open casket or anything. we go to the funeral home and see him laying on a silver slab with a while cloth over him, up to his neck. we only get to see his face. but, i think i need to see him for some closer. to know that it's really him. and that he's peaceful. i know he was happy in vegas, getting to know his daughter again after some time and his grandson, Ewan who is now, 5 years old. he lived with them. he loved to go ride on his motorcycle and play poker. he was like, in a poker club type thing. where he played matches or games against other people, like tournements or something.
i was in the middle of writing him a letter because it had been so long since we talked and i missed him. just to see how everything was going and how he was. how vegas was.
i wish i would have just called him and talked to him sometimes.
i know he wasn't supposed to die like this. it wasn't supposed to happen this way.
i miss knowing that he was ok and/or doing good. because now i don't know how he was.
nor will i ever know how he truely feels cause i never really talked to him about him & my mom seperating. i'll always wonder why though. the question will run through my head a million times a day. just WHY this had to happen to me. to this family. to my family. to him, mark. everyone is pretty torn up about it. and i know i am. i don't really know how or if i will ever get past it. but, i know i will for sure never forget about him. no matter what. i'll always remember him as the father i never had, biologically. but really, mark was my father. and he was ok with the fact that i wasn't his boioical daughter. i know he loved me for who i was. i used to talk to him about pot and cigarette smoking. this was before i had ever done it. and he said that everyone does it. he wouldn't ever try to make me do it or to talk me out of it. he said just be safe doing whatever i wanted to do and be happy with whoever i become. he was great and giving advice and the best carpender i have or will ever meet.
there were 2 boys [under the age of 20] that hit him. they were arrested last night and are now being charged with Vehicular Man Slaughter. and will probably serve sometime and alot of money. i'm going to go back to vegas for their court trial. which probably isn't for 6-8 months though.
this is one of my first journal entries. but, i needed to get that out. i guess, talk about it. to someone. anyone who would take the time to read it all, i guess.
i just want him to know that i'll never forget him. and i miss him already. not knowing where he is or how he's doing. i still can't believe you're gone. but i'll be ok, i promise. and i hope you are too.
RIP. October 15, 2005.<3 **i'll never forget.