(no subject)
ok, every year around september i start doubting my choices.
last year i wanted to switch languages and study french instead of spanish.
now i want to switch degree.
in these days i've been finding hard to study economics, hard to focus on things i just don't like and i've been thinking about that if i had chosen history or art history now i would have been happy.
i don't know why i am studying languages / economics, i don't know why i have chosen this degree and i feel like i don't want to finish university right now.
but at the same time i can't because my parents worked hard to pay a university we can't really afford and i feel like an ungrateful child, someone who just keeps making wrong choices and who does not know how to fix them, after.
i just wish i could disappear right now, while i am silently crying in my bed because i'm afraid someone will hear me. i just wish i could go back in time and tell my past self to just choose history, who cares if economics will give you a job? just choose what you really like! but alas i can't do that and now i am stuck with something i chose but i knew i wouldn't like and i don't know what to do.
i have an exam tomorrow. a french one about something i couldn't care less and thus i didn't study anything. i don't want to study the things i have to study but at the same time i can't fail the exam or my parents will know something is wrong.
i feel like i'm throwing their money in the toilet.
i've recently come up with a crazy idea: i want to move to another country-- no, i want to move to denmark. i said to myself i would get my degree, i would study danish and then move to denmark but i keep thinking about this country i love and i still can't make myself study more. i find myself wishing to be able to buy a ticket to denmark and never come back but the thought i've wasted ~6000€ makes me cry and cry and cry.
i keep crying like a child who doesn!p't know how to fix things, i know, but i can't stop. i cry whenever i'm alon and then i pretend everything is ok but clearly it's not.
i wish i could go to denmark, find a job, repay my parents for everything they've done and just stay there. I feel terrible because i knew we couldn't afford that university but i still insisted to go there and now here i am, thinking about dropping out.
i'm such a terrible daughter.