(no subject)

[baby_grace_blue]

Tonight. I have a white rose that I had for 4 years, since I saw Michael. Another one I carried in my backpack for two weeks dying to give it to him as a Halloween gift, but i was too shy to do it in class. I know he would have loved it. I never told him about it. Two roses were lying on my bookshelf ever since we moved in. I have one. I have finally given him his one. Nobody will call or come over or leave a message or even e-mail me tonight. i don't think they will notice in weeks. It progresses so fast all I could feel is constant pain and a deformity that completely disfigures my cheeks, its moving in so fast, every day its growing. My eyes are so swollen on the inside I can hardly tell what's in front of me. All I can think of is this pain, constant pain ans my skin, stretching under the pressure of this tumor, of this nightmare.It hurts so bad, and I am unrecognizable. When I showed my doctor my picture, he said "Who is this?". I know, of course he should have left me. If i could I would leave myself and never , never even call. Tonight. Its so quiet and I have my favorite things: my rose, the picture of me and him holding each other like we never gonna let go, my favorite coconut candy that I used to save money for for weeks when i was a broke student..now I can buy them, but they don't taste as good as they did before. I will never move to Hawaii or learn how to swim well or ride a horse again or draw again or make love again or enjoy my favorite music again, or laugh, ever, ever again. i don't think I laughed once since I came back. I just gave up. I spent 9 months going to church and praying for hours and lit candles for my family and Michael's mother every night, and for him, hoping that this blind faith will cure me, but there is no cure, no salvation, its all big bullshit, don't they see. He is everything to me, every raindrop, every snowflake, every sunny morning, every dark night, I wrote poetry for him and whole notebooks-cover to cover, I drew little animals just for him so he would laugh, he was my baby, my little boy, with beautiful smile and gentle touch, his hands were all for me, i could recognize him from thousands miles away, like a dog knows his master, I could think of how beautiful he is every minute of my life. All i dreamed of was how to scratch his little hair and make him smile, but what could I do when I am in constant pain? He was getting mad that i don't clean, that I don't care. But I do care, i am just in pan, in pain all the time, swelling, growing, tortured. it is not my fault and never has been my fault. I can't go on, he was the only thing that tied me to this place, the only last breath that I had, but now he's gone out, like the last breath goes out, and the pain has intensified so much that I can't think or do anything, All I see is the images of me and him holding hands, waiting for each other. I wish I could just take it all away, take away all I have suffered, all the time he's waited for me hoping I will get better, but it was getting worse and worse, worse and worse, I will never see Stinson Beach with him or anyone again, i will never walk next to him and smile at him, and hug him, I will never get a kind word form him. I never stop loving , I can't stop loving, no matter what happens, but he just left, he just left me completely alone and told all his friends to stop talking to me, and even random people in the street tell me they hate me, though I never done anything to them. They don't know how he left, how much he hurt me, but he never will love me, looking and feeling like this, its a trap and there is no way out, no way out.
Tonight. I want it to be very warm and cozy, I want the dimmed lights and my favorite book and no music and peace and quiet. i love him so, but now I am in so much pain even the image of his face is starting to fade. i love you, Michael.