(no subject)
There are so many thoughts coursing through my brain, blood through my veins. I can't help it. There's so much, it's all going so fast, and I can't capture it anymore. I know certain things, certain truths, and these truths can't be argued (in my mind). But that's all. Everything else is not only uncertain, it's also a blur. A huge blur and I can't focus. It's driving me insane. I wouldn't be me without it but over the past couple weeks or so it's gotten continuously worse. The beauty is there in everything, and I can see it. The world is beautiful. There is little here that holds no aesthetic value, even if it's in a way you aren't expecting. Often that's the best sort. But the reasons and the ways and the details are nagging at me. I can't get my thoughts out and written fast enough because by the time I'm ready it's gone and the next one's there and then that's gone too - all in a flash. Everything happens so quickly. Life is quickly unfolding around us and we can't even stop to look. Do you know what the best drug is? The best of all? Sobreity. If you've gotten to the point where all other drugs bore you, try being sober. I wish that everyone could view things as I do, if even for just a day, because everything is so... perfect. Perfect imperfections. There is love everywhere, in everyone. And the love I feel is so incredibly tangible it burns. I burn for this love and it isn't something you can correct or fix, because it's permanent. It scares me sometimes, the depth and range of my emotions. I wish I could just feel a little of something but it never really works that way, it's always all or nothing. But the world isn't black and white and I'm not trying to make it that way, just trying to figure it out. Although I realize that perhaps it isn't for me or anyone else to figure out, that doesn't stop my pursuit of answers. I will always want answers, I will forever ask questions. I will continue to write longwinded entries about nothing at all that no one will read because it's my only outlet.
I want to do so many things in my lifetime. I want to skydive and I want to swim in a lagoon in a tropical location. I want to drive to the country and look at the stars wrapped up in a blanket and drink hot chocolate. I want to trip shrooms in the mountains while it snows. I want to swim in someone else's swimming pool and see what's on the other side of the highway. I want to go to the beach and feel the warmth radiating from the sun, tanning my skin. I want to ride on a jetski and I want to lay on the white sand and just feel the grains on me. Feel them sort of wrap around me, feel their texture. I want to dress up in green sparkles and magic, go to a rave and roll. I want to be everything to someone and be their everything, soulmates. I want to walk down the street in the pouring rain and have people laugh but come hold my hand and dance with me. I want to wear white wings and go swimming, I want to lay on the roof and people watch. I want to ride a horse down a trail and stay in the woods. I want to forgive everyone and I want to make amends. I want to work somewhere I love and where I'll be happy. Honestly, I want to go to ASU and be with my love, rent an apartment and smile and laugh and tease and talk and cook. I want my best there always. I don't want to move and I don't want to adjust to a new lifestyle, but I will if I have to. I want to understand the universe. Not why we're here, or how we got here. Those things aren't meant for us to understand. I want to UNDERSTAND. I want to know how everything works. The human body fascinates me to no end. The human body and religion and love and beauty. They enthrall me. I love thinking about them, formulating theories. They all work together in such perfect unison. It's amazing. Seperate and distinct, yet connected at the core, like the muscles of the human body. They each have their jobs, but come together to form something and to serve a purpose. Serotonin and fire and green crackling magic. There's so much to life, and I love it. I love my friends, my family, my endless opportunities. Where is the balance of love? I am enamored of the emotion, of such a simple chemical reaction. But it's more than that. It's so much more than a chemical reaction. Even if all we are is atoms, made up of tiny atoms, something had to make those. Assuming we evolved, where did the universe come from? Did it simply appear? No one really has all the answers. There is something more out there, something more to life.
I think too much and this entry is too long.
I want to do so many things in my lifetime. I want to skydive and I want to swim in a lagoon in a tropical location. I want to drive to the country and look at the stars wrapped up in a blanket and drink hot chocolate. I want to trip shrooms in the mountains while it snows. I want to swim in someone else's swimming pool and see what's on the other side of the highway. I want to go to the beach and feel the warmth radiating from the sun, tanning my skin. I want to ride on a jetski and I want to lay on the white sand and just feel the grains on me. Feel them sort of wrap around me, feel their texture. I want to dress up in green sparkles and magic, go to a rave and roll. I want to be everything to someone and be their everything, soulmates. I want to walk down the street in the pouring rain and have people laugh but come hold my hand and dance with me. I want to wear white wings and go swimming, I want to lay on the roof and people watch. I want to ride a horse down a trail and stay in the woods. I want to forgive everyone and I want to make amends. I want to work somewhere I love and where I'll be happy. Honestly, I want to go to ASU and be with my love, rent an apartment and smile and laugh and tease and talk and cook. I want my best there always. I don't want to move and I don't want to adjust to a new lifestyle, but I will if I have to. I want to understand the universe. Not why we're here, or how we got here. Those things aren't meant for us to understand. I want to UNDERSTAND. I want to know how everything works. The human body fascinates me to no end. The human body and religion and love and beauty. They enthrall me. I love thinking about them, formulating theories. They all work together in such perfect unison. It's amazing. Seperate and distinct, yet connected at the core, like the muscles of the human body. They each have their jobs, but come together to form something and to serve a purpose. Serotonin and fire and green crackling magic. There's so much to life, and I love it. I love my friends, my family, my endless opportunities. Where is the balance of love? I am enamored of the emotion, of such a simple chemical reaction. But it's more than that. It's so much more than a chemical reaction. Even if all we are is atoms, made up of tiny atoms, something had to make those. Assuming we evolved, where did the universe come from? Did it simply appear? No one really has all the answers. There is something more out there, something more to life.
I think too much and this entry is too long.