The Truth is...
The real truth is that I truly get why I struggled so much in the aftermath. You have to know yourself. The most. The Best. You have to know what you want out of life. Moreso, what are you willing to do to get those things you want. Can you accept failure? Can you accept defeat? Can you accept putting your all and everything into something knowing that there could be no positive outcome but the experience? Can you rejoice in your accomplishments without embellishing the short comings of others? What do you want?
The short answer was that basically at any age other than now, I couldn't have. Despite being more mature than alot of young adults my age, I was still lacking some essential elements key to obtaining a true and happy life. Importance of love and vulnerability. Family. Experiences. So forth
I remember when I got the 'phonecall' I didn't know what to do. The last year had been spent deliberating what calibur of emotion would be invested into this 'relationship' of varying form. Primarily, the premarial state was cast away so abruptly, that feelings of distrust emerged fully and quickly, as if they had been there already. I got defensive and scared. Lack of self-disclosure related primarily to not knowing one's self led to a quite distinct, convoluted emotional presence.
In short, we didn't know each other like we used to. We hadn't acted like we thought each other would. I was away at school becoming radically pissed at how really black my skin was and how deep were the seeds of racial descrimination, while trying to be an actor, athelete, student, and avid partier. You were trying to adjust to a new place, with larger size and faster pace than either of use had been exposed to. Trying to learn about our selves...
Now factor a relationship into the equation and any relationship is destined going to struggle mightily.
But more so I fucked up. I keep saying it because it's true and let's face it, no one hates mistakes more than I do.
UGH...I fucked up!! When I got the call, all of those things were on my mind. I knew what I loved but I wasn't sure about how being there for you at 'the specific time of need' would indicate my level of emotional committment.
I'm sad about that decision everyday but I knew when I made it, I was condemning us. I rationalized by thinking to myself that if we really did make it out of this, it was a sign. We didn't.
And I just didn't know that I would feel the repercussions for so long. Mostly, in getting to know myself better, I've learned how much more to me you were than I knew, or ever told you. My motivation. My happiness. My faith. The only thing that consistently made me want to be better.
My family jokes because I am attracted to doctors, ect. The truth is though, that I am atttracted to girls whose lifestyles make me always want to improve myself. 'Girl you made me want to be better' I didn't notice until every play of this last season I looked. Everytime. Even though I knew fully that you weren't going to be in the audience. I looked every freakin' time. And everytime I was sad. But it taught me what you were to me and what I need for myself. At the chance of sounding pathetic, just know: I miss what you had and what you taught me about being me. Observe.
A Season WithOut You
Life's scripted.
Like Onstage
You Fall down
Like auditionin' and being turned away
I remember your play that I didn't make
Now the Love that I didn't take
I remember it like it was
Yesterday
Bridge:
But every play
I look for your face
Even when I know
You won't be there
I hear applause
They congragulate me
But it's not the same
It's not the same
Chorus:
Everything I did I did it for you
Girl you made me want to be better
And I don't ever think that you knew
How you made me better
But now there's been a season without you
Now you've got me thinkin' encore
(take a bow)
Cuz Happiness ain't the same anymore
(It's hard to me smile when)
I'm working hard
And Doin my best
And Achieving
Success
Bridge:
But every play
I looked for your face
even when I know
You won't be there
I hear applause
They congragulate me
But it's not the same
It's not the Same
Chorus
The short answer was that basically at any age other than now, I couldn't have. Despite being more mature than alot of young adults my age, I was still lacking some essential elements key to obtaining a true and happy life. Importance of love and vulnerability. Family. Experiences. So forth
I remember when I got the 'phonecall' I didn't know what to do. The last year had been spent deliberating what calibur of emotion would be invested into this 'relationship' of varying form. Primarily, the premarial state was cast away so abruptly, that feelings of distrust emerged fully and quickly, as if they had been there already. I got defensive and scared. Lack of self-disclosure related primarily to not knowing one's self led to a quite distinct, convoluted emotional presence.
In short, we didn't know each other like we used to. We hadn't acted like we thought each other would. I was away at school becoming radically pissed at how really black my skin was and how deep were the seeds of racial descrimination, while trying to be an actor, athelete, student, and avid partier. You were trying to adjust to a new place, with larger size and faster pace than either of use had been exposed to. Trying to learn about our selves...
Now factor a relationship into the equation and any relationship is destined going to struggle mightily.
But more so I fucked up. I keep saying it because it's true and let's face it, no one hates mistakes more than I do.
UGH...I fucked up!! When I got the call, all of those things were on my mind. I knew what I loved but I wasn't sure about how being there for you at 'the specific time of need' would indicate my level of emotional committment.
I'm sad about that decision everyday but I knew when I made it, I was condemning us. I rationalized by thinking to myself that if we really did make it out of this, it was a sign. We didn't.
And I just didn't know that I would feel the repercussions for so long. Mostly, in getting to know myself better, I've learned how much more to me you were than I knew, or ever told you. My motivation. My happiness. My faith. The only thing that consistently made me want to be better.
My family jokes because I am attracted to doctors, ect. The truth is though, that I am atttracted to girls whose lifestyles make me always want to improve myself. 'Girl you made me want to be better' I didn't notice until every play of this last season I looked. Everytime. Even though I knew fully that you weren't going to be in the audience. I looked every freakin' time. And everytime I was sad. But it taught me what you were to me and what I need for myself. At the chance of sounding pathetic, just know: I miss what you had and what you taught me about being me. Observe.
A Season WithOut You
Life's scripted.
Like Onstage
You Fall down
Like auditionin' and being turned away
I remember your play that I didn't make
Now the Love that I didn't take
I remember it like it was
Yesterday
Bridge:
But every play
I look for your face
Even when I know
You won't be there
I hear applause
They congragulate me
But it's not the same
It's not the same
Chorus:
Everything I did I did it for you
Girl you made me want to be better
And I don't ever think that you knew
How you made me better
But now there's been a season without you
Now you've got me thinkin' encore
(take a bow)
Cuz Happiness ain't the same anymore
(It's hard to me smile when)
I'm working hard
And Doin my best
And Achieving
Success
Bridge:
But every play
I looked for your face
even when I know
You won't be there
I hear applause
They congragulate me
But it's not the same
It's not the Same
Chorus