Trusting Desire Starting To Learn
This is awesome and crazy all at the same time: I get butterflies in my stomach every time I read about another senior who is about to be done with their senior years of college. They keep saying, "one week left" or "finals next week" or [lately] "Done!" It's somewhat nerve wracking to be completely honest. I really only do have ten some odd days left and every moment seems bitter sweet. An improved version of myself seeks to enjoy every moment that is quickly passing by because I am apprehensive. I don't want to miss any last. Yet, an old version of myself also says push forward and keep going; and whatever you do, stay true to things that got you where you are.
-----> "I look just hoping that I can catch a glimpse. I want just for the sake of wanting; because letting go means that I've lost. And damn I can't stand to lose. No damn I can't stand to lose...but will it matter if in the end I can't stand at all?"
I can feel my heart searching and it scares me. I think we are all a little bit clingy if we let ourselves be. The heart really desires companionship of sorts. That much I am sure of. But when you are aware of it, you can feel your heart searching. Mines wants someone, but truthfully, I don't want anyone. Every bone in my body aches with regret when I stop to consider where I feel like I went wrong in the past, and what I have to do to avoid those mistakes in the future. And I don't feel like I can right now. More importantly, I have never been more ready to admit that I can't right now. Why is it a sin to want to succeed so badly?
The closer the stage gets the more ambitious I become. I think a general switch from senior year apathy to back to some of the former me.
I got to thnking that maybe a trophy wife/homemaker wouldn't be so bad. Just on a side note
-----> "But I want to be loved. I want to be intrigued and controlled. I want to want to not ever let go. Make me baby"
Quick, Eff! What else? Uhh....I really don't think anything off the top of the head right now. I think I want to get a dog. Thinking about a baby German Shepherd. It would serve a plethra of uses in my life right now. Hmm...I'm here.
-----> "I look just hoping that I can catch a glimpse. I want just for the sake of wanting; because letting go means that I've lost. And damn I can't stand to lose. No damn I can't stand to lose...but will it matter if in the end I can't stand at all?"
I can feel my heart searching and it scares me. I think we are all a little bit clingy if we let ourselves be. The heart really desires companionship of sorts. That much I am sure of. But when you are aware of it, you can feel your heart searching. Mines wants someone, but truthfully, I don't want anyone. Every bone in my body aches with regret when I stop to consider where I feel like I went wrong in the past, and what I have to do to avoid those mistakes in the future. And I don't feel like I can right now. More importantly, I have never been more ready to admit that I can't right now. Why is it a sin to want to succeed so badly?
The closer the stage gets the more ambitious I become. I think a general switch from senior year apathy to back to some of the former me.
I got to thnking that maybe a trophy wife/homemaker wouldn't be so bad. Just on a side note
-----> "But I want to be loved. I want to be intrigued and controlled. I want to want to not ever let go. Make me baby"
Quick, Eff! What else? Uhh....I really don't think anything off the top of the head right now. I think I want to get a dog. Thinking about a baby German Shepherd. It would serve a plethra of uses in my life right now. Hmm...I'm here.