(no subject)
I've really tried to write this post so many times. Every time I either didn't have my thoughts collected enough; or I didn't have enough time; or I couldn't find the right words:
It's kind of been a process or slowly adjusting to the fact that nothing I do or say, and nothing I want to do, will be perfect. For years I fought the idea of contentment and now it doesn't seem too bad. Though its kind of startling to me at the same time. My drive as always come from my infinite desire to want to do/be better. Slowly little things have led me to believe that this hasn't always been healthy. Mostly its just my happiness though. I don't feel outright happy as often as I should. Sometimes I'm just down and I don't even know why. But I think I've started to understand that its the little things.
I watched an episode of NCIS yesterday. I of course couldn't watching without having to think of how I started watching it in the first place. But it was a very moving episode. It had to do with not being able to find love and true happiness because of not letting go and reconciling with yourself. It kind of sounded like some advice though realistically, I am just so vulnerably searching for advice all the time, that I might have just been looking for it. Either way it kind of spoke to me.
Though I really try, I'm not always 100% honest with myself. I mean the type of honesty you have to wear on your sleeve for a while. Usually its the disgusting kind too. I think I'll try a little of it because I have something on my heart:
*I'm scared about the future still
*I'm kind of lonely. I get a lot of attention but it isn't always the kind of attention that I want
*I kind of miss holding hands and calling someone mine
*Ok, (honesty) I really miss those things
*I haven't felt nearly as secure with myself since being in a relationship. Ironically, my ex-partner has gained security that she was lacking when we were together. Trade-off?
*I miss the beach a whole lot
*Almost everyday, I think to myself, "if it would make her even consider taking me back, I would probably beg everyday"
*I don't even know why I think that either :(
*It makes me sad because I still feel like we could be happier and that, that contributes to some of my unhappiness
*I have a job offer directing available though as far as I know it would be primarily local. I kind of want to move away. Far away.
*I think I'm running
I suppose that can be it for the yucky stuff for now. On some positives, I have a track meet tomorrow. I took first in my event...LOL. Well really I took first in the 400m which really isn't my event but I have recently started running it. The 200m in my real event. I think?? Hmm...we have a rendeverox tomorrow. The season is actually starting off real well and I am excited to see what the rest of it holds in store. Primarily, its weird to be in my last few weeks of collegiate athletics. I'll cherish these times forever though.
Whom...anything else? Maybe auditioning for a play, maybe not? I guess I'll have to decide in the next few days.
Thats it for now.
Sigh.. Live and let Live I suppose. :)
*
It's kind of been a process or slowly adjusting to the fact that nothing I do or say, and nothing I want to do, will be perfect. For years I fought the idea of contentment and now it doesn't seem too bad. Though its kind of startling to me at the same time. My drive as always come from my infinite desire to want to do/be better. Slowly little things have led me to believe that this hasn't always been healthy. Mostly its just my happiness though. I don't feel outright happy as often as I should. Sometimes I'm just down and I don't even know why. But I think I've started to understand that its the little things.
I watched an episode of NCIS yesterday. I of course couldn't watching without having to think of how I started watching it in the first place. But it was a very moving episode. It had to do with not being able to find love and true happiness because of not letting go and reconciling with yourself. It kind of sounded like some advice though realistically, I am just so vulnerably searching for advice all the time, that I might have just been looking for it. Either way it kind of spoke to me.
Though I really try, I'm not always 100% honest with myself. I mean the type of honesty you have to wear on your sleeve for a while. Usually its the disgusting kind too. I think I'll try a little of it because I have something on my heart:
*I'm scared about the future still
*I'm kind of lonely. I get a lot of attention but it isn't always the kind of attention that I want
*I kind of miss holding hands and calling someone mine
*Ok, (honesty) I really miss those things
*I haven't felt nearly as secure with myself since being in a relationship. Ironically, my ex-partner has gained security that she was lacking when we were together. Trade-off?
*I miss the beach a whole lot
*Almost everyday, I think to myself, "if it would make her even consider taking me back, I would probably beg everyday"
*I don't even know why I think that either :(
*It makes me sad because I still feel like we could be happier and that, that contributes to some of my unhappiness
*I have a job offer directing available though as far as I know it would be primarily local. I kind of want to move away. Far away.
*I think I'm running
I suppose that can be it for the yucky stuff for now. On some positives, I have a track meet tomorrow. I took first in my event...LOL. Well really I took first in the 400m which really isn't my event but I have recently started running it. The 200m in my real event. I think?? Hmm...we have a rendeverox tomorrow. The season is actually starting off real well and I am excited to see what the rest of it holds in store. Primarily, its weird to be in my last few weeks of collegiate athletics. I'll cherish these times forever though.
Whom...anything else? Maybe auditioning for a play, maybe not? I guess I'll have to decide in the next few days.
Thats it for now.
Sigh.. Live and let Live I suppose. :)
*