(no subject)
Dear Mom,
The regrets have been strong the last couple of days. I regret that I didn't spend more time with you in the hospital when you were at JPS. I regret that I didn't spend the night there and hold your hand. If I had known...if I had only known that you wouldn't be here much longer, I would have done things differently. I would have had more serious conversations with you about how much I love and respect you.
Dee told me after you were at HEB that you never thought you were worthy of love. Oh Mom...the things it seems I didn't know about you.
I'm still mad that you wouldn't go to the doctor months ago. I'm mad that I didn't take off a day and go with you to the doctor. You might have gone then. I'm mad at sis for putting extra stress on you. I'm mad that I didn't get to live with you the last few months of your life. This sucks.
I've just lost one more thing that was keeping me going. I don't want to keep going anymore. I feel like I'm struggling more than a person should be. And I'm even on anti-depressants! Oy.
I know the pain of losing you will subside. I'm not the first person to lose a parent. This is what happens in this shitty thing called life. So I need to get over it. That's not working too well. I've been thinking a lot about my life in general. I don't seem to have the desire to do anything well or follow through. It's making me feel fickle and loser-ish. I, at least temporarily, have lost the desire to run anything (10ks, mud runs, triathlons). You're not there for me to talk to anymore. Well, I'm still talking to you when I'm alone but with getting no response, it's not the same.
Back on regrets, I regret that I didn't talk to you more the night I took you home from JPS. Maybe the doctors told you that you were dying and you wanted to go home to die. You were so bad off. I was mad at you for wanting to go home. I didn't want you to die trying that hard. Then I call the ambulance to take you back to the hospital so you spent your last week on a ventilator. The one good thing is that you held on until Dee could get back into town. The doctor didn't think you would make it through the night. When you kept improving I got a little bit of hope that you were going to improve and get out of there. The day that Dee got back into town and was going to come see you was the day you tanked. You didn't recover that time.
So, I've mentioned to you how I don't want to have to put any more animals down. I had to do that to Ishy. And then I'll be damned, I had to do it to Baby. Even though you were struggling so much and you were losing as much blood as they were putting in you, me, Dee and sis had to make the decision to stop all the meds and let you go. I was the one that suggested it first. They agreed with no arguments but it still made me feel like ass. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm tired of living. I have had enough of losing.
I'm tired of my animals and my friends getting sick. With the animals, they can't tell you if they are hurting. It's a guessing game of whether they need the vet. T's cancer seems to be getting to her more.
I have to get ready for work now.
Love you miss you.
The regrets have been strong the last couple of days. I regret that I didn't spend more time with you in the hospital when you were at JPS. I regret that I didn't spend the night there and hold your hand. If I had known...if I had only known that you wouldn't be here much longer, I would have done things differently. I would have had more serious conversations with you about how much I love and respect you.
Dee told me after you were at HEB that you never thought you were worthy of love. Oh Mom...the things it seems I didn't know about you.
I'm still mad that you wouldn't go to the doctor months ago. I'm mad that I didn't take off a day and go with you to the doctor. You might have gone then. I'm mad at sis for putting extra stress on you. I'm mad that I didn't get to live with you the last few months of your life. This sucks.
I've just lost one more thing that was keeping me going. I don't want to keep going anymore. I feel like I'm struggling more than a person should be. And I'm even on anti-depressants! Oy.
I know the pain of losing you will subside. I'm not the first person to lose a parent. This is what happens in this shitty thing called life. So I need to get over it. That's not working too well. I've been thinking a lot about my life in general. I don't seem to have the desire to do anything well or follow through. It's making me feel fickle and loser-ish. I, at least temporarily, have lost the desire to run anything (10ks, mud runs, triathlons). You're not there for me to talk to anymore. Well, I'm still talking to you when I'm alone but with getting no response, it's not the same.
Back on regrets, I regret that I didn't talk to you more the night I took you home from JPS. Maybe the doctors told you that you were dying and you wanted to go home to die. You were so bad off. I was mad at you for wanting to go home. I didn't want you to die trying that hard. Then I call the ambulance to take you back to the hospital so you spent your last week on a ventilator. The one good thing is that you held on until Dee could get back into town. The doctor didn't think you would make it through the night. When you kept improving I got a little bit of hope that you were going to improve and get out of there. The day that Dee got back into town and was going to come see you was the day you tanked. You didn't recover that time.
So, I've mentioned to you how I don't want to have to put any more animals down. I had to do that to Ishy. And then I'll be damned, I had to do it to Baby. Even though you were struggling so much and you were losing as much blood as they were putting in you, me, Dee and sis had to make the decision to stop all the meds and let you go. I was the one that suggested it first. They agreed with no arguments but it still made me feel like ass. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm tired of living. I have had enough of losing.
I'm tired of my animals and my friends getting sick. With the animals, they can't tell you if they are hurting. It's a guessing game of whether they need the vet. T's cancer seems to be getting to her more.
I have to get ready for work now.
Love you miss you.