thoughts of the day... there's a lot of them.
How come as soon as I sit down to write out the thoughts that have been racing through my mind all evening I draw a blank.
I big fat blank.
I freeze up and feel nothing. Nothing worth writing.
It breaks my heart that people see me as a Bisexual sex fiend. I'm nothing more than a over-sexual atheist. I'm not! I'm really not.
I'm not bisexual, at most I am 5% gay... when I am at my gayest. In reality I'm more like .5-1% gay. Girls are pretty... and that's as far as my train of thought goes. Man I wish I looked like her.
Sex is NOT that important to me. When I was eighteen I created a sexualized persona for myself out of drunken depression and hunger. I pretended to be something I wasn't, because in reality I was scared, shy, and lonely. I was confused and it gave me strength and courage to pretend to be someone else. Somehow along the way I forgot to let go and be myself again.
Whenever I am scared and insecure I create someone inside of me who embodies everything I want. That's why I hate when anyone calls me Babs... save for Molly. That's who I created, and that was who I slowly became. I felt like I was losing myself so I broke apart from her and just used her attributes to make myself feel brave. It's really weird, I know, but it's something I have done since I was really little. I never felt like I amounted to much so I pretended that in some special place I could do anything. I'm retarded.
So now I have spent the last 9 months trying to figure out who the hell I am.
Things I have learned about myself:
I believe in God.
I am a Christian.
I hate hypocrites and have yet to find a church that doesn't make me spend all my time hating everyone inside of it. I know that sounds weird, but I can't help it. Don't judge me!
I'm a dork
sex is best when it is with someone you like and care about. someone you share a connection with. I hate angry sex, or anything remotely violent. I want to know you love me, not wonder if you secretly want me dead.
I'm a loner
I'm rather boring.
I don't feel sexy. ever.
my career path and education is pretty well thought out. Once I'm done with my AAS I'm just working... unless by then something different comes along.
I'm so stable in my career and financially that I am ready to settle down. I'm not a rowdy girl. I'm not looking for a bunch of guys to sleep around with, or a bunch of meaningless relationships. It's not really how I roll. I do things with purpose, even if the purpose isn't clear.
my life is pretty chill. I'm entering my last year in the baking program *tear* and after that I have only extracurricular education or activities.
The only thing I really have left to do or to figure out is who I am and what I want in life/relationships.
Those are two VERY big things.
I really want to up and move, but I know that is just me wanting to run away from facing myself.
what's so bad about me?
I'm not as interesting as I want to believe.
I'm plain. and depressing.
Good News: I have a Hot Stones class on Saturday. I'm sooo excited to finally be certified!!! Hot stones is the shit. not as awesome as shirodhara, but it's up there.
I big fat blank.
I freeze up and feel nothing. Nothing worth writing.
It breaks my heart that people see me as a Bisexual sex fiend. I'm nothing more than a over-sexual atheist. I'm not! I'm really not.
I'm not bisexual, at most I am 5% gay... when I am at my gayest. In reality I'm more like .5-1% gay. Girls are pretty... and that's as far as my train of thought goes. Man I wish I looked like her.
Sex is NOT that important to me. When I was eighteen I created a sexualized persona for myself out of drunken depression and hunger. I pretended to be something I wasn't, because in reality I was scared, shy, and lonely. I was confused and it gave me strength and courage to pretend to be someone else. Somehow along the way I forgot to let go and be myself again.
Whenever I am scared and insecure I create someone inside of me who embodies everything I want. That's why I hate when anyone calls me Babs... save for Molly. That's who I created, and that was who I slowly became. I felt like I was losing myself so I broke apart from her and just used her attributes to make myself feel brave. It's really weird, I know, but it's something I have done since I was really little. I never felt like I amounted to much so I pretended that in some special place I could do anything. I'm retarded.
So now I have spent the last 9 months trying to figure out who the hell I am.
Things I have learned about myself:
I believe in God.
I am a Christian.
I hate hypocrites and have yet to find a church that doesn't make me spend all my time hating everyone inside of it. I know that sounds weird, but I can't help it. Don't judge me!
I'm a dork
sex is best when it is with someone you like and care about. someone you share a connection with. I hate angry sex, or anything remotely violent. I want to know you love me, not wonder if you secretly want me dead.
I'm a loner
I'm rather boring.
I don't feel sexy. ever.
my career path and education is pretty well thought out. Once I'm done with my AAS I'm just working... unless by then something different comes along.
I'm so stable in my career and financially that I am ready to settle down. I'm not a rowdy girl. I'm not looking for a bunch of guys to sleep around with, or a bunch of meaningless relationships. It's not really how I roll. I do things with purpose, even if the purpose isn't clear.
my life is pretty chill. I'm entering my last year in the baking program *tear* and after that I have only extracurricular education or activities.
The only thing I really have left to do or to figure out is who I am and what I want in life/relationships.
Those are two VERY big things.
I really want to up and move, but I know that is just me wanting to run away from facing myself.
what's so bad about me?
I'm not as interesting as I want to believe.
I'm plain. and depressing.
Good News: I have a Hot Stones class on Saturday. I'm sooo excited to finally be certified!!! Hot stones is the shit. not as awesome as shirodhara, but it's up there.