Another day another day another day...

[babsbeauty]

Well Monkey came back inside the wire so he called me. It was fine until I started to think about all the things he may have done with the other woman. Everytime I start to think about it I get sick. Not really sick just nauseated. It happened all last night after I talked to a friend of mine who met her. I feel like such a door mat. Everyone just walks all over me like I am just a piece of dirt. I was so disgusted last night I took off my "I love you" necklace and wedding band. Now I'm looking for a lawyer. I can't change who I am to fit this little lie. I told Monkey that I would be whatever he wanted me to be to save our marriage. I now realize that I can't do that because this marriage was doomed before it began. My policy on cheating always stayed to same. If you gonna do it don't let me find out, don't knock her up, and don't tell me. Other than that let me live in a happy little lie that everything is ok. Just let me be stupid enough to think that you love me. Let me live in that little world. Now at the thought of being pregnant again just makes me even sicker. But hey if what the doctors say is true I can't have anymore kids. Which in a way really sucks because I wanted a boy but hey I wont complain. The few people I have talked to that knew me a long time ago are surprised that I married anyone. I was always so against it for the reason of divorce. In my old writings in diaries and whatever I always said I would be the last to be married and never would I let someone own me. Turns out not only does he own me but I have turned my life around. I don't sing or dance (unless it is with my little Pumpkin), I don't have any of my own friends, and I am turning into the perfect little housewife. I've changed who I am for someone that doesn't even know who my favorite classical artist is. Shit now I remember why I stopped writing, it always makes me cry or think about things I don't want to. I just need a divorce and a job. Maybe not in that order but I need something to take my mind away from the other woman and him. Just thinking about the times we had sex at our new home, was he really thinking about me or was he thinking about the times he was fucking her. Did he even see me half of the time or wa she still in his mind? Is he still talking to her on line and telling her things that he wont tell me? Just so many things that I can't ask him because I know he wont tell me. He will just twist it so I feel better and believe once again that he loves me. God I'm a stupid ass.

That is all for my ranting and pain.

Babs