My Subconscious Was in High Gear
I've been having rather long, involved dreams again. I'm not remembering whole narratives --perhaps there aren't any. Last night I had one which was sort of amusing, but it also had this odd feeling to it --almost unpleasant, but more... hmm... surprising I guess is the closest I can come.
There were tons of people in it: an all-star cast of people from my life. Mostly family. There was something about an upholstery convention/show, and I was going around looking at fabrics and furniture with a changing group of people. My companions kept coming and going.
For some reason my cohort left the display area and went to some reception room off to the side where I started talking with Kat & Eric. I heard Nathaniel's voice and looked down. He was laying on the floor partially under a table, and started rubbing my shin while he talked to me. I remember thinking, "That feels so relaxing. I just love this crazy little kid!" Then Kat said something like, "You need to hold this," and laid something on my chest & shoulder. I was thinking, "What the hell is this thing," and I looked down in confusion. It took me a few seconds to realize it was a baby wrapped in a blanket. Then I realized it was a baby, and it was supposed to be Ewan at maybe 6 mos. old. After I woke up and thought about it, thought, I realized it had actually been Vincent as a baby, even though it was supposed to be Ewan. I held him for a little while and when he woke up I put him down and he started running around, now the size of a two year old and definitely Ewan.
There was more to it, and I think I actually remembered more for awhile after I woke up, but the sort-of-unpleasantly-weird part was the fact that in the dream I was absolutely clueless, even slightly creeped out for a few seconds when Kat put the baby on me. And I mean "put it ON me." She didn't hand me a baby, she sort of draped it on me, and even though I was looking at it I didn't recognize what it was.
Okay, just about everyone knows that I think about the whole having kids/not having kids thing all day every day. It's always lurking in the back of my mind and it has the potential to taint any issue, any thought. But for the most part, I don't actively agonize over it. I went through a period earlier this year where I was really trying to figure out how I could start taking care of kids again, even if it was just babysitting on the weekends. That went nowhere and I sort of forgot about it. And while I am ultimately fine with the idea that I will never have children, I still very strongly suspect that one of the things which has changed me and led to my downfall is the lack of child-time in my life. I don't think I ever went more than a few months without spending time with small children --my ENTIRE life-- until I got fired from my job as an Infant Teacher. Not that I want that hell back, especially now with the flu shot issue and a new law in NH about fingerprinting daycare workers. But I used to believe that a life without regular contact with young children in it would not be worth living; now I've been living that life for almost 4 years, and have been slowly sliding away from being the person I was and wanted to be. I'm losing my social skills, I'm losing my ability to function outside my own little bubble, and apparently I seem to be afraid, on a subconscious level, of losing my ability to even identify an infant if it was handed to me. I was even a little afraid of the thing Kat put on me, at least for the first few seconds. So maybe it was just a fear of motherhood thing.
Anyway, it was weird.
There were tons of people in it: an all-star cast of people from my life. Mostly family. There was something about an upholstery convention/show, and I was going around looking at fabrics and furniture with a changing group of people. My companions kept coming and going.
For some reason my cohort left the display area and went to some reception room off to the side where I started talking with Kat & Eric. I heard Nathaniel's voice and looked down. He was laying on the floor partially under a table, and started rubbing my shin while he talked to me. I remember thinking, "That feels so relaxing. I just love this crazy little kid!" Then Kat said something like, "You need to hold this," and laid something on my chest & shoulder. I was thinking, "What the hell is this thing," and I looked down in confusion. It took me a few seconds to realize it was a baby wrapped in a blanket. Then I realized it was a baby, and it was supposed to be Ewan at maybe 6 mos. old. After I woke up and thought about it, thought, I realized it had actually been Vincent as a baby, even though it was supposed to be Ewan. I held him for a little while and when he woke up I put him down and he started running around, now the size of a two year old and definitely Ewan.
There was more to it, and I think I actually remembered more for awhile after I woke up, but the sort-of-unpleasantly-weird part was the fact that in the dream I was absolutely clueless, even slightly creeped out for a few seconds when Kat put the baby on me. And I mean "put it ON me." She didn't hand me a baby, she sort of draped it on me, and even though I was looking at it I didn't recognize what it was.
Okay, just about everyone knows that I think about the whole having kids/not having kids thing all day every day. It's always lurking in the back of my mind and it has the potential to taint any issue, any thought. But for the most part, I don't actively agonize over it. I went through a period earlier this year where I was really trying to figure out how I could start taking care of kids again, even if it was just babysitting on the weekends. That went nowhere and I sort of forgot about it. And while I am ultimately fine with the idea that I will never have children, I still very strongly suspect that one of the things which has changed me and led to my downfall is the lack of child-time in my life. I don't think I ever went more than a few months without spending time with small children --my ENTIRE life-- until I got fired from my job as an Infant Teacher. Not that I want that hell back, especially now with the flu shot issue and a new law in NH about fingerprinting daycare workers. But I used to believe that a life without regular contact with young children in it would not be worth living; now I've been living that life for almost 4 years, and have been slowly sliding away from being the person I was and wanted to be. I'm losing my social skills, I'm losing my ability to function outside my own little bubble, and apparently I seem to be afraid, on a subconscious level, of losing my ability to even identify an infant if it was handed to me. I was even a little afraid of the thing Kat put on me, at least for the first few seconds. So maybe it was just a fear of motherhood thing.
Anyway, it was weird.