rain on me
-for those that think that i was going to get married sometime soon, i want to make a correction .. i am not thinking of getting married any time within the next 6 years.. the last post were just questions that i had in mind because of what i'm going to write below.
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me and my boyfriend were goin' at it for the whole day yesterday. it all started with something that came up in our phone conversation saturday night. Somehow i came out and said something about marriage.. and he went i don't ever want to get married. i was just like " uhoh .. not this again"... we went through this before earlier in last month.. but he ended that thought quick. He was telling me than that he didn't believe in marriage just because he feels it's not important anymore.. blah bleh blah..i asked him why and he said he just didn't believe in it.. and i wasn't hearing him..i was just thinking how can someone change a moral value as that one? He once used to tell me " nicole i want to marry you"... that was a big deal to me, since i figured that maybe if i stayed with him for many more years to come than i know it would be certain that i would be his wife. i love him that much. I knew i would have myself a husband someday.. isn't that every woman's wish? maybe. maybe not. I got mad at him for telling me that crap again.. he noticed and he hung up on me... we didn't speak that night again.
i went to his house the next day .. he tried to forget about the whole argument we had the night before. but i wasn't going to forget it that easy since it was something that was bothering me. i brought it up to him as soon as i had his undivided attention. I asked him why he felt the way he felt.. and that i was uncomfortable with his new ideas on marriage.. how he just changed his mind.. there must of been a good reason for it.. atleast a logical reason tho.. i wasn't getting anything out of him. I was upset about it and couldn't get it off my mind.. so he asked me if i wanted to talk to him outside .. i followed him to the lobby of his building and talked to him there. i basically told him that i didn't like the fact that he's changed something so meaningful, and that i wouldn't accept that in the future. i told him, that if he really wanted me to be with him forever that i needed to be married. but he was just like he didn't want it and he won't marry me but he won't let me go either. *sigh* ... he got upset when i told him that i was probably going to end the relationship earlier than expected than.. because it changes my aspects on it all... i told him i didn't want to have kids and raise them with parents that aren't married, and that i didn't want to be just his girl for the rest of my life.. i wasn't comfortable with it and i am sure about it. so he took that as a threat and got upset about it. now he felt unsure about when it was i was going to dead him.. and that made him uneasy.. i figured than he would tell me why the reason behind it all was.. but i had to keep pressing him and pressing him for an answer..
Finally after some arguments, he finally told me that he was unsure about our relationship. He didn't know what to do anymore about us. He claims he was bored with the same thing .. and that he needed a change in his life. the first thing that came to my mind was that he found someone else. that was just not it. he kept saying things like that he needed space and time off .. so i was just like it's over... i didn't know what to think. my mind was so boggled with all of his statements. i didn't know how to take it. so that's why he was trying to say he didn't want to get married?! that was really wierd but he was trying to hint me that he needed space ..and all that he said about marriage was crap.. since he made it all up. he did want to marry me afterall. i figured he wanted to see other people.. and he was telling me things that hinted that in a way.. so i tried to leave him.. i tried to walk away as though he hurt too much with his words as it was.. but i couldn't walk away anymore.. i couldn't leave the best thing in my life. We had too much history. i needed to know more.
He said that he just tried to end it but he couldn't .. he couldn't lose me. i swear i never cried for him so much in my life. had my mascara streaming down my face... my eyes red and burning... It felt like he was tearing my heart out of my chest..that slowly passed tho. as he tryed to pull me back to him. i slowly resisted. I was too bruised. Things turned out like this : for one, he wanted to hang out with friends. two, he didn't want to feel guilty about going out with them to parties and things like that. Three, he didn't want to think about how i would feel if he did. That's all he wanted. Permission to go out with his homeboys withought thinking he's doing something wrong.
I wish he would of just came out and said this.. instead of taking me on a rollercoaster ride through hell.... He hurt me so bad. Having me think that he was cheating on me, or didn't want me anymore.. he just wanted to have fun afterall.. i was insanely upset about his lack of communication skills. I love him though and i was hoping that it was just some bullshit like this... but now is when the real trust will set in .. he will have to trust me fully and i will too. i have agreed to let him go out with his boys as long as he isn't trying to meet females or he doesn't pick any up ... nothin to do with them. same goes for me. and he will be letting me know when he goes out so i don't worry. also i didn't want anything about me and his time or relationship to change over this... only hope it wont.
......................................................................
me and my boyfriend were goin' at it for the whole day yesterday. it all started with something that came up in our phone conversation saturday night. Somehow i came out and said something about marriage.. and he went i don't ever want to get married. i was just like " uhoh .. not this again"... we went through this before earlier in last month.. but he ended that thought quick. He was telling me than that he didn't believe in marriage just because he feels it's not important anymore.. blah bleh blah..i asked him why and he said he just didn't believe in it.. and i wasn't hearing him..i was just thinking how can someone change a moral value as that one? He once used to tell me " nicole i want to marry you"... that was a big deal to me, since i figured that maybe if i stayed with him for many more years to come than i know it would be certain that i would be his wife. i love him that much. I knew i would have myself a husband someday.. isn't that every woman's wish? maybe. maybe not. I got mad at him for telling me that crap again.. he noticed and he hung up on me... we didn't speak that night again.
i went to his house the next day .. he tried to forget about the whole argument we had the night before. but i wasn't going to forget it that easy since it was something that was bothering me. i brought it up to him as soon as i had his undivided attention. I asked him why he felt the way he felt.. and that i was uncomfortable with his new ideas on marriage.. how he just changed his mind.. there must of been a good reason for it.. atleast a logical reason tho.. i wasn't getting anything out of him. I was upset about it and couldn't get it off my mind.. so he asked me if i wanted to talk to him outside .. i followed him to the lobby of his building and talked to him there. i basically told him that i didn't like the fact that he's changed something so meaningful, and that i wouldn't accept that in the future. i told him, that if he really wanted me to be with him forever that i needed to be married. but he was just like he didn't want it and he won't marry me but he won't let me go either. *sigh* ... he got upset when i told him that i was probably going to end the relationship earlier than expected than.. because it changes my aspects on it all... i told him i didn't want to have kids and raise them with parents that aren't married, and that i didn't want to be just his girl for the rest of my life.. i wasn't comfortable with it and i am sure about it. so he took that as a threat and got upset about it. now he felt unsure about when it was i was going to dead him.. and that made him uneasy.. i figured than he would tell me why the reason behind it all was.. but i had to keep pressing him and pressing him for an answer..
Finally after some arguments, he finally told me that he was unsure about our relationship. He didn't know what to do anymore about us. He claims he was bored with the same thing .. and that he needed a change in his life. the first thing that came to my mind was that he found someone else. that was just not it. he kept saying things like that he needed space and time off .. so i was just like it's over... i didn't know what to think. my mind was so boggled with all of his statements. i didn't know how to take it. so that's why he was trying to say he didn't want to get married?! that was really wierd but he was trying to hint me that he needed space ..and all that he said about marriage was crap.. since he made it all up. he did want to marry me afterall. i figured he wanted to see other people.. and he was telling me things that hinted that in a way.. so i tried to leave him.. i tried to walk away as though he hurt too much with his words as it was.. but i couldn't walk away anymore.. i couldn't leave the best thing in my life. We had too much history. i needed to know more.
He said that he just tried to end it but he couldn't .. he couldn't lose me. i swear i never cried for him so much in my life. had my mascara streaming down my face... my eyes red and burning... It felt like he was tearing my heart out of my chest..that slowly passed tho. as he tryed to pull me back to him. i slowly resisted. I was too bruised. Things turned out like this : for one, he wanted to hang out with friends. two, he didn't want to feel guilty about going out with them to parties and things like that. Three, he didn't want to think about how i would feel if he did. That's all he wanted. Permission to go out with his homeboys withought thinking he's doing something wrong.
I wish he would of just came out and said this.. instead of taking me on a rollercoaster ride through hell.... He hurt me so bad. Having me think that he was cheating on me, or didn't want me anymore.. he just wanted to have fun afterall.. i was insanely upset about his lack of communication skills. I love him though and i was hoping that it was just some bullshit like this... but now is when the real trust will set in .. he will have to trust me fully and i will too. i have agreed to let him go out with his boys as long as he isn't trying to meet females or he doesn't pick any up ... nothin to do with them. same goes for me. and he will be letting me know when he goes out so i don't worry. also i didn't want anything about me and his time or relationship to change over this... only hope it wont.