..:: overrun with emotions ::..

[babiebabie]

i feel the need to bitch--if i dont, my head will implode.


so brian calls me friday night with his usual girl trouble schpiel about how his life sucks and he's never going to get laid.  if maybe he learned how to talk to people without sounding like a bumbling schmoe... he'd get a girl.  perhaps thats my anger talking, or perhaps i've just grown weary of making up excuses for him.  he's a nice guy, i'd like to see him happy... but i'm exhausted...

• he bitches incessantly about how he doesnt have a girl.  he's got high as hell standards--when he doesn't have the credentials for anything remotely close to his taste in women.  going to let my anger lash out for a moment of insensibility and say that he's out of his mind.  there is no real life 'lady and the tramp' here~ unless your rich.  especially if the tramp is out of the country 6 months at a time.
  
  
• he's got a job that has him out of the country sometimes more than half a year at a time.  makes good money, but no woman in the world will be 'okay' with loving a man who's not around half the time.  i give props to military wives, but they get insane benefits... and thier husbands are risking thier lives serving thier country for whatever assinine principals they've got catechized into thier heads.  from the gist of the situation i've gotten from brian, he does it cuz its good money, and he gets to collect unemployment when he's not out at sea... doing whatever he damn pleases with his time.  volunteering for the EMS, licking the bottom of a beer mug in some local hostelry or whatever the hell else he does with his time.
  
  
• he wont date a girl if she's not stick thin and sexually appealing to him.  going out on a limb here... but what makes him think girls he finds sexually sppealing would date him?  back to the 'credentials' thing again... other than a nice apartment in west bubblefuck port chesterico... i'm not really sure what a girl he thinks is hot would see in him--and again this may just be me berating him because i'm pissed off as fuck about his insensitivity to other people's lives and relationships.

after the 'i'm going back to sea a born again virgin' monologue... he tells me he's been hanging out with andrew.  andrew is quite the interesting individual.  he actually lists 'professional magician' on his resume under past occupations.  oh yeah... he's 'one of those' ladies... but his dad own's a jewlery shop~ i think its one of his few redeeming qualities in my mind... not that i'd ever shop there cuz i have raquel & laura's place over on centre street... but he's alex's best friend since they were sperm or someshit... i have to find SOMETHING likeable about him.  again... this is probably my sensitivity annihilated by the callousness of this particular individuals disinterest in other people's happiness~

• 
  
  he's a white version of my brother, 5 years older, sans girlfriend.  i'm sure i need'nt say more.

so they're hanging out having a jolly good time, and brian lets me in on this little 'idea' that andrew has.  apparently andrew has this 'conspiracy theory' that i chain alex's neck to my ankle.  i keep him on a nice tight leash, keeping him away from his friends.  he's not allowed to watch or play sports anymore... and the kicker was; brian genuinely sounded SHOCKED when i told him alex was camping this past weekend.  apparently they thought i stopped him from boyscouts all together... because he missed the last few meetings.

• 
  
  why would they think this you ask?  well its because my wonderful boyfriend doesn't feel the need to explain anything to his friends.  "guys dont talk emotions", he says.  so having said that... defending his girlfriend's reputation is obsolete.  instead of telling his friends, "hey listen, i missed the last couple of my meetings because i had to help my mom with something, then i fell asleep on the couch as soon as i got home, and last week was my one year anniversary with my girlfriend..." he lets them think that i've got him tied up in a closet at home.

"alex never comes out anymore...", brian says, "andrew says you don't let him out.  always cooking dinner and stuff and making him stay home..."



oh shit... when did 'thou shalt not cook for thy loved one or be banished to hell by his confidants' become one of the fucking commandments?

so i said to brian, "i never tell alex NOT to go anywhere, i may suggest against it from time to time, but never for MY best interest over his.  if i suggest he stay home on a wednesday night instead of going to the bar with you guys, its because he has work in the morning.  if i suggest he go shopping with me on a weekend for things around the house, its because i'm reminding him of his responsibilities as an adult.  if i suggest that he not go somewhere or do anything that may affect his skin... its for his own health.  regardless of wether or not i'm in the picture, he should be doing these things to be accountable to himself.  i just happen to be in the picture to remind him of what he's obligated to."

to which brian replied, "well, since we're being so honest and open, dont take this the wrong way, but if you ever told alex not to hang out with any of us, we'd tell him to break up with you."



wait a second... lol... was that a thr--it was... wasn't it... he actually THREATENED me... oh yes... yes yes yes... he went there... dont take it the wrong way?  how else am i supposed to take it?

"oh i'm so sorry... i never meant to steal your friend away from you... how selfish of me to want to spend more than 2 days a month with my boyfriend... i'm sooooo sorry for being with him every time you call... i mean, sure we live together, but next time you call, i'll walk outside till your done."

okay... maybe i'm exaggerating... but where the hell does shit like this come from?  how much shit must be flying through the grapevine between all of alex's guy friends for a guy like brian to pull the short straw and end up having to call me out of the blue and say, "hey listen... can you loosen your grip up on my boi'z balls?  we all cooperatively decided that your being a selfish bitch, and you need to stop hogging him.  it doesn't matter that you try your best to be an awesome girlfriend and perfect hostess to us when we come over and turn the apartment into a pigstye when we leave, and it doesnt matter that you cook great food and make sure we're entertained like kings when we come over... we would just like to see him sometime, too, so fuck you.  by the way... here's a dickslap to the forehead for the road.  thanks."

i should see it from 'their' point of view, alex says.  i should be more forbearing to thier perspective on 'our' situation.  "they used to see me all the time, and now when i spend my time with you, because i want to make you  happy, and i like making you happy, i dont see them anymore.  i cant remember the last time i saw mike or jason, i havent seen brian in over a month, marc in two weeks now... and if bobby didnt live in the same house..." he says to me.  so i should be more understanding of them.  why the fuck do i always have to be the sacraficial lamb?  they the FUCK do i always get the shit end of the stick?  why the FUCK cant they be more understanding of me?  oh wait... thats right... "guys dont talk emotions"...

• jason lives in west bubblefuck, if he wanted to see you that badly, why do we always have to drive up to him?  thats my fault he doesnt see you, right.
  
• mike lives 2 blocks away, he can drive to the boonies to get laid and work, but he cant drive a few blocks from his parents house to say hi?  thats my fault he doesnt see you, right.
  
• brian is always somewhere drunk or sailing, sometimes both, or trying to get laid in some bar at 2am... trying to convince you to go out with him to do those things... or he calls out of the blue and wants to hang out at the most inconvenient times... and thats my fault, too, right.
  
• marc and bobby come over to the apartment all the time and i even cook for them, too~ but thats not seeing them enough... and its my fault... gotcha.

the best metaphor to explain his life/time is like a box with 4 compartments.  1/4 of it is taken up by work.  1/4 of it is taken up by his hobbies; football, baseball & videogames.  1/4 of it is taken up by his voluntary obligations; boyscouts, camping, fund raisers.  before he met me, that last 1/4 of it was dedicated to his friends.  now that he's met me, he's sacraficed 1/8 of his sport time and 1/8 of his boyscouts to make up 1/4 of his time for me.  of course, his sport time and his boyscout time is what makes up some of the 1/4 time that he has with his friends, he doesnt do these things alone... that and the longer we're together, and the more committed we become to each other... its only natural that he give me more than 1/4 of his time... so now his friends are throwing a fit.  (for those of you who have gotten a headache just by trying to immagine this box... just immagine trying to LIVE it from day to day.)

the amount of hours in sleep i've lost this weekend because of this situation is time i'll never get back in my life--and its fucking over bullshit.  maybe if his friends had REAL girlfriends other than the 'highschool sweethearts' they all reminisce about... and experienced what its like to come home to a smiling face and a warm body next to them in bed, they'd realize that keeping that is more important than going to a bar till 2am on a wednesday night.  maybe if they had a girlfriend to get serious with enough to realize the possible future responsibilities they will have to take on and wake up to the fact they will become a provider... oh wait... thats right... they prolly never thought about it.  the two of his friends that are still dating someone right now still go 'dutch' on thier outings together.

i'm bitter and angry.  i've done NOTHING but be the best i could be to them and around them.  sure i've had my moments, but no one is perfect and sunshiney all the time.  i do this so that if EVER they HAD to say ANYTHING about me, it would be nothing but good things.  if the topic of me EVER came up, they'd only be able to say what a wonderful girlfriend i am, and that alex is LUCKY to have a woman like me.

ahhhh... but instead... they're out there conspiring that i'm some psycho bitch that just moved into his apartment one day all on my own, pushing my way into his life, coming onto him... throwing myself at him... efficaciously crushing his freedom.  i keep him tied up when he's home, and i only loosen the leash around his neck for work.  how he used to be this nonchalant playboy, free spirited, came and went and came again... has suddenly met his keeper.  against his own realization, he was bamboozled!  i've hornswoggled him with my delectable cooking, fancy desert pies, and... dare i say it... sex...

maybe i'm misinterpreting thier intentions like alex says.  maybe he's just too caught up in the fact that they've been best friends thier whole lives... to see the truth... i'll tell you this though~ these people will never mean the same to me EVER again.