(no subject)
Today I woke up feeling terrible. I felt raw, inside and out; I felt like I was shouldering a weight that was three times my size, like I would crack under the pressure at any moment. I felt that weight both physically and emotionally, and couldn't wait to see which part of me cracked first. As I laid in bed, I heard the rain falling outside.
Normally rain makes me feel an unexplicable sadness. The sky has opened up and is shedding its tears, and I feel compelled to join it. But today was different. Today was a good rain. The kind that made me feel, just for a second, like it was my own Great Flood. As if I were my own ark, and if I stood in the Flood long enough, and let it engulf me in its liquid sheet, I could choose which feelings and which thoughts to keep with me, and let the rest tumble down the street, sliding down the drains with the rain. The kind that, by letting it consume me completely, made the whole word feel right.
Lately my negativity has been battling with my overwhelming fear to see who will succeed. It has left me feeling drained all the time, anxious and worried about everything. I can feel my flexibility diminishing, so I stretch and stretch until I'm too sore to move. I can feel myself gaining weight, so I stop eating, and make myself run until I can't run anymore. I push myself until I collapse, and pull away from people who try to help. I can't even count how many times I've muttered I'm fine when what I want to say is I'm a mess. How many times I've walked away when all I want is for someone to hold me.
But after the rainstorm comes clarity. The ability to see. A cool that only the rain can provide..
Normally rain makes me feel an unexplicable sadness. The sky has opened up and is shedding its tears, and I feel compelled to join it. But today was different. Today was a good rain. The kind that made me feel, just for a second, like it was my own Great Flood. As if I were my own ark, and if I stood in the Flood long enough, and let it engulf me in its liquid sheet, I could choose which feelings and which thoughts to keep with me, and let the rest tumble down the street, sliding down the drains with the rain. The kind that, by letting it consume me completely, made the whole word feel right.
Lately my negativity has been battling with my overwhelming fear to see who will succeed. It has left me feeling drained all the time, anxious and worried about everything. I can feel my flexibility diminishing, so I stretch and stretch until I'm too sore to move. I can feel myself gaining weight, so I stop eating, and make myself run until I can't run anymore. I push myself until I collapse, and pull away from people who try to help. I can't even count how many times I've muttered I'm fine when what I want to say is I'm a mess. How many times I've walked away when all I want is for someone to hold me.
But after the rainstorm comes clarity. The ability to see. A cool that only the rain can provide..