-Sometimes Im just barely hanging on-
So thursday i went out to eat with em and brian. it was good. then we hung out and me end em watched Finding Neverland... ahh so good. then it went down hill. Ya so the 2 things im most afraid of are being behind the wheel driving and College (well nething to do with college, change, new beginnings, leading to life)... my dad decided it would be fun to put those to things into ONE DAY! ahh. So we gets home and decides lets talk about callege/SATs/Grades/Succeeding in life for about 2hours! Im not kidding. i was ready to freak out. I am sooo afraid of having to start over again, go to college, do well or at least not dissappoint my family. I set goals for myself and my parents set higher ones, when i do not reach them... i have failed. I dont want to "fail at life" (wicked dramatic but i mean i dont want to dissappoint myself or worse my parents) i jsut want them to be proud of me.
So after the fear of failing theres the fear of not knowing what the hell i want to do for the rest of my life. I dont have a passion or a desire in life, i thought it was to be a lawyer but i think that was just show, or i knew my parents would be proud. I dont want to be fake in life so i dont know what i want to do.
The other fear i have about college is you are really grown up, own responsibilities, on your own, grow apart from friends, near surrounds and everything is just too different. I wanted to go to coyle and just start over and get out of my old slump of a life but it has seemed to follow me to coyle. Not that im not happy with my friends or nething. Im independent and i hate to ask for help from others. Im scared wehn i get to college i will need help but be too damn proud or "independent" to ask for it. On the other hand im glad i can do stuff by myself, i dont need ne1 holdong my hand through everything and i can take care of myself. I dont kno wut i would do if i was co dependent on smoeone but being a "loner" in many ways may hurt me in the long run. Everything changes after high school. I hate change, nothing good comes from it. Things change in my life all the time and honestly not for the better. and this transition or change will be scare as hell.
Ya so driving. Also very nervous about. I think im spoiled cuz brian will drive me if i ask him. I kno i need to get my license, its part of growing up but i dont trust myself. Im scared i will freak out and forget how to drive, to my drving is THE BIGGEST fear i will have to face this year. Yes it means freedom and an escape but it also means responcibility not only for yourself but for anyone on the road around you. So to top off the 2 hour college talk dad decided lets go drive in a parking lot. I didnt do too bad, not too good. I will get the hang of it but i still just dont want to. Im not ready to be a grown up yet.
Today we went to Northeastern University. its a HUGE campus thing. Some lady thought i was in college but ya im def. just a sophmore. I went because i might as well look at the ones brian looks at so i will have a small idea what i am looking for instead of being completely blind sited next year. The campus was nice and they talk about their Co-Op program which sounded interesting but it was very overwhelming and i was just really taking it all in. I still have no idea what i want to do.
SATs will be next year too and brian did very well. so there is always that hey u have to do as good as ur brother feeling in the back of my mind. but i will never get as good a score as he did. He didnt even take a prep course or nething. Im going to be taking as many as i can get. I have a need to do jsut as good as he did. honestly, i think my parents r expecting me too.. My dad wants brian to bring his score up too which i can understand cuz he did well buta few more points wont hurt. but if he wants HIS scores higher he better not be expecting much of mine. I have never been as good at stuff as brian, school. art. hes def. more talented then I and way smarter. SO theres the added dissappointment for my parents. Brian will succeed in life so they have one sure thing to count on.
I guess what i am finding about myself is i dont want to grow up. I already feel stressed with my life and feel that i had to take on more at a young age to make up for what my mom wasnt able to do. Its different now that I am older and see it more. I understand why brian and I have to do extra all around to help keep up the house and stuff. But i still wish it was never like this. I wish i could still be a kid and not understand whats happening. I still dont understand y but now i see everything, but when i was younger it was just easier. I didnt have to push my mom in the wheel chair or watch her struggle to walk everytwhere. When I was a kid, nothing was expected of me, and it was easier.
I wish i could pretend i dont see everything and just hide away. Or go on the swings and close my eyes and pretend im flying to a new world. -but i cant pretend, i cant pretend im just a kid ne more.. but how i wish i could.
Sometimes I feel like I never quite fit in
Like I'm always a little out of place
It's hard to be everything to everyone
There's so many roles I have to play
Sometimes I'm just barely hanging on
Seems like I'm always fighting to be strong
To find somewhere that I belong
<3alwaysandforever<3