Cry
He several times told me that we would be together forever. That no matter what happened, we would never part. He once told me that we would get married on the beaches of California, when he took me there. Each night I was with him he held me in his arms. I felt the love in his strength. I felt at home. Content, as though this feeling would last forever. As if we were going to be together forever. When we "made love" (Is what I call it because it was so much more than sex for me) it was bliss. The best feeling in the world. He made me believe that the feeling would always be mine. Then we broke up.
For the first three months of our relationship, nothing could have made either of us happier. We had the best relationship anyone could ask for. And very many people envied what we had. Because no matter how much they tried. It couldn't be broken.
The fourth and fifth month of our relationship was a bit different however. We started fighting alot more. Everytime we talked on the phone we ended up fighting and both of us ended up in tears. Our relationship then was sheer misery.
I started to treat him like shit. Getting jealous over every little piece of shit thing, that now when I look back on it. I could have saved our relationship if I had changed a while back. We broke up. Well, he broke up with me.
I called him at school because I found out that he had been hangning out with Kasey, and I wasnt to thrilled with that being that we were still together at the time. I also found out that he had started to like my best friend Tiffany, while we were still going out. Our relationship went straight to Hell.
I almost ruined my relationship with both Tiffany and Kasey, because I blamed them for his doings. I made it out to be all there fault because he broke up with me. Only it wasnt. I just didnt want to face the truth. I wanted everything to be fine. And me being the complete idiot that I am, made Matt out to bee the good in all three of them. I found out otherwise.
The main reason Matt and I split, is because of the way I treated him. He put up with it for the longest time. And I thank him for that. But one of the other reasons that made his final decision clear is the fact that he was hearing rumors about me and Dylan Luko (However you spell it). That me and Dylan were always all over each other and that I was planing on breaking up with him for Dylan. Which couldnt be further from the truth.
Matt believed these rumors over me because a selection of people were telling him that. People he "trusted", and he made it very clear to me that he didnt trust a damn word that I was saying. So now I ask you, what was our relationship worth?
That day was one of the hardest of my life. And it doesnt seem to be getting any better. I sat in the main lobby of the school and cried. My dear friend Suzanne held me and cried with me, she knew exactly what I was going through for she went through it with Chris not to long before. I thank you Suzanne, for being there for me when I needed someone the most.
Off to the nurses office after that. Where my friends, Suzanne, Ambre, Cassandra, Laurel, and Novette accompanied me in my little fit. I thank you girls for being there for me through one of the roughest times of my life. It is very well appreciated.
Shortly after, I had already called my stepmother Norma to come pick me up because I couldnt stay there. I saw Paul Billado in the hallway and made it very clear to him that I didnt miss Matt at all and that I was glad that me and Matt had broken up because I was finally free and able to do what I pleased with my life. I said this because I know how Paul works. And I know that it would get back to Matt. And in hopes that it would make Matt see that I am not hurt and that he didnt ruin me the way he though he did. Even though I was dying inside.
It has been 4 months, and there has been alot of shit between me and Matt since then but we just started talking again and being friends. Only I cant just be friends with him.
He befriended one of my ex boyfriends. One of whome he hated and wanted to kill for a very long time. Dan Chrisman.
Now they are "inseperable" and no one could ever tare them apart. He speaks very highly of Dan. And I am happy that they finally formed an alliance. Only he seems to care more for Dan then he ever did about me. Which in any case, hurts.
I spoke to him earlier, and I could just tell by the tone in his voice that he doesnt care anymore, although he says he does. The feeling just isnt there. I think that I am finally giving up on him. I said this to him and this is what I got in responce. "Why? I didnt do anything, Randi it takes time. I'm not just going to see that you have changed in a 5 day period of time."
Changed..... Yes I have changed. Alot. I am no longer the extreamly jealous person that I used to be. I am no longer going to tie anyone down that comes into my life because I realized what happens if you do. I have changed very much since Matt, and all I want is for him to see that I have done so. He is giving me the chance but it really doesnt seem as if he wants to. It only seems as if he is doing it so I will stop bigging him about it.
So now I sit here, heartbroken and completely numb to all pain. Because I love him soo much. I love that kid beyond any belief. More than any can say. More than my life. He is all I think about, all I care about. And all I want is that feeling that he gave me. The feeling where my heart beats fater and slower at the same time. I want him, and I want to be with him. It kills me that I'm not with him because what we had was soo great, it was a dream come true for me and now it is gone, and I realize that it is my fault we broke up and that we are in this state right now. But I am sorry. From the bottom of my broken heart I am sorry.
He says there might be a chance of something happening in the future. But I just dont think there is. Maybe he really thinks there is. Maybe he still loves me. But I am hurting to much for this. I want to say goodbye and place him out of my life forever, but theres a big problem here. I cant.
Matt if you are reading this, just know one thing. I love you baby, and always will. I wish things were the way they were before and I am sorry to have fucked up and make things like this. I love you.
One night, when he was at my house. We slow danced to "There you'll be" By Faith Hill. And I started crying because I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I was almost sure it was going to happen that way. Boy was I wrong.
I once tried on my moms wedding dress, out of bordom. And Matt saw me in it. He cried and told my mom while I was changing back that he is going to marry me. And that feeling stayed with him for a while. Even after we broke up he still felt that way. I dont think he feels that way anymore.
All I have to say is, I screwed up, badly, and I am learning from that. Matt I love you... and I am truely sorry....
~LuvAlways~
~*~Randi~*~
For the first three months of our relationship, nothing could have made either of us happier. We had the best relationship anyone could ask for. And very many people envied what we had. Because no matter how much they tried. It couldn't be broken.
The fourth and fifth month of our relationship was a bit different however. We started fighting alot more. Everytime we talked on the phone we ended up fighting and both of us ended up in tears. Our relationship then was sheer misery.
I started to treat him like shit. Getting jealous over every little piece of shit thing, that now when I look back on it. I could have saved our relationship if I had changed a while back. We broke up. Well, he broke up with me.
I called him at school because I found out that he had been hangning out with Kasey, and I wasnt to thrilled with that being that we were still together at the time. I also found out that he had started to like my best friend Tiffany, while we were still going out. Our relationship went straight to Hell.
I almost ruined my relationship with both Tiffany and Kasey, because I blamed them for his doings. I made it out to be all there fault because he broke up with me. Only it wasnt. I just didnt want to face the truth. I wanted everything to be fine. And me being the complete idiot that I am, made Matt out to bee the good in all three of them. I found out otherwise.
The main reason Matt and I split, is because of the way I treated him. He put up with it for the longest time. And I thank him for that. But one of the other reasons that made his final decision clear is the fact that he was hearing rumors about me and Dylan Luko (However you spell it). That me and Dylan were always all over each other and that I was planing on breaking up with him for Dylan. Which couldnt be further from the truth.
Matt believed these rumors over me because a selection of people were telling him that. People he "trusted", and he made it very clear to me that he didnt trust a damn word that I was saying. So now I ask you, what was our relationship worth?
That day was one of the hardest of my life. And it doesnt seem to be getting any better. I sat in the main lobby of the school and cried. My dear friend Suzanne held me and cried with me, she knew exactly what I was going through for she went through it with Chris not to long before. I thank you Suzanne, for being there for me when I needed someone the most.
Off to the nurses office after that. Where my friends, Suzanne, Ambre, Cassandra, Laurel, and Novette accompanied me in my little fit. I thank you girls for being there for me through one of the roughest times of my life. It is very well appreciated.
Shortly after, I had already called my stepmother Norma to come pick me up because I couldnt stay there. I saw Paul Billado in the hallway and made it very clear to him that I didnt miss Matt at all and that I was glad that me and Matt had broken up because I was finally free and able to do what I pleased with my life. I said this because I know how Paul works. And I know that it would get back to Matt. And in hopes that it would make Matt see that I am not hurt and that he didnt ruin me the way he though he did. Even though I was dying inside.
It has been 4 months, and there has been alot of shit between me and Matt since then but we just started talking again and being friends. Only I cant just be friends with him.
He befriended one of my ex boyfriends. One of whome he hated and wanted to kill for a very long time. Dan Chrisman.
Now they are "inseperable" and no one could ever tare them apart. He speaks very highly of Dan. And I am happy that they finally formed an alliance. Only he seems to care more for Dan then he ever did about me. Which in any case, hurts.
I spoke to him earlier, and I could just tell by the tone in his voice that he doesnt care anymore, although he says he does. The feeling just isnt there. I think that I am finally giving up on him. I said this to him and this is what I got in responce. "Why? I didnt do anything, Randi it takes time. I'm not just going to see that you have changed in a 5 day period of time."
Changed..... Yes I have changed. Alot. I am no longer the extreamly jealous person that I used to be. I am no longer going to tie anyone down that comes into my life because I realized what happens if you do. I have changed very much since Matt, and all I want is for him to see that I have done so. He is giving me the chance but it really doesnt seem as if he wants to. It only seems as if he is doing it so I will stop bigging him about it.
So now I sit here, heartbroken and completely numb to all pain. Because I love him soo much. I love that kid beyond any belief. More than any can say. More than my life. He is all I think about, all I care about. And all I want is that feeling that he gave me. The feeling where my heart beats fater and slower at the same time. I want him, and I want to be with him. It kills me that I'm not with him because what we had was soo great, it was a dream come true for me and now it is gone, and I realize that it is my fault we broke up and that we are in this state right now. But I am sorry. From the bottom of my broken heart I am sorry.
He says there might be a chance of something happening in the future. But I just dont think there is. Maybe he really thinks there is. Maybe he still loves me. But I am hurting to much for this. I want to say goodbye and place him out of my life forever, but theres a big problem here. I cant.
Matt if you are reading this, just know one thing. I love you baby, and always will. I wish things were the way they were before and I am sorry to have fucked up and make things like this. I love you.
One night, when he was at my house. We slow danced to "There you'll be" By Faith Hill. And I started crying because I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I was almost sure it was going to happen that way. Boy was I wrong.
I once tried on my moms wedding dress, out of bordom. And Matt saw me in it. He cried and told my mom while I was changing back that he is going to marry me. And that feeling stayed with him for a while. Even after we broke up he still felt that way. I dont think he feels that way anymore.
All I have to say is, I screwed up, badly, and I am learning from that. Matt I love you... and I am truely sorry....
~LuvAlways~
~*~Randi~*~