the phone call*
well I just got off the phone with my aunt pam on my dads side... the one aunt that wants anything to do with me and gives a damn about me... im glad she called but i cant help but be a little upset because i wish more of his family were there for me...* it would help me alot.... i guess half of them dont even consider me family anymore... which is rather bad, because they and i all know that he wouldnt want things to be this way.... and its fucked up to sit here and realize that things are the way they are.... its sad i cant see my cousins grow up... and i cant see my grandmother... its awful... it sadness me to realize that i thought the world of his family, i loved all of them to death, and they go and treat me like this over something that isnt my fault.... it hurts that i can only see my family in pictures.. and i didnt recieve many phone calls wishing me a happy birthday or anything... although i do appriciate that some of you did... i appriciate it a lot.... it meant a lot to me, it really did... but i cant help but wish things were back the way the use to be....when i could go up to my grandmothers...and see all of my family happy and spend time with them... but i cant do that anymore because they are blaming me for my fathers death, something that wasnt even remotely my fault... i was there for him.... when most of them werent... they only talked to him when they wanted something from him...and thats the truth... he went around saying that all the time.... im not saying any of this to piss you all of or anything...so dont even start on me... i have enough stress and depression in my life because of all of this, so please dont make things worse by saying something rude in reply to my update... im just stating how i feel... my opinion my thoughts in general... thats why i got this journal.... to state how i felt.... and to get things off of my chest which i am doing right now... im sitting here crying my eyes out because i truly wish that i could have been there on christmas to spend time with all of you... but no....i wasnt invited, and when i asked i was regected... which is ok i suppose, but its still messed up... I am the only person that has something of him left in me.... the only one.... im his only child! the only one that will carry him on inside of them.... and i am proud of that! i love my dad a lot! and some may thing that i am living on all happy happy joy joy, but im not... not a day goes by that i dont think of him and the times that i had with him.... he was a wonderful father regardless of the things that he done.... i know that he was hurt and upset.... i understand that.... but i still cant help but wish i was still in Virginia living with both parents happy instead of depressed like this sitting here in an empty house crying like a baby....because half of my family isnt there for me..... and for anyone that is sitting here getting kicks and giggles out of me being upset and depressed go to hell... you dont know what i have gone through...so dont even start to imagine what my life has been like for the past 3-4 years, because you dont know... you all have a father... you have someone to support you, you have someone to walk you down the isle on your wedding day... and you have someone for your kids to call papaw or pap or what ever your kids may call your father.... but me... i will never know any of that... i will never be able to have my father walk me down the isle or cry at my graduation.... i dont have the luxioury of having a father to go fishing with or go riding in the mountains with anymore.... i dont have that.... and it kills me, because i miss it all so much, all the times we shared together were amazing, and i will never forget any of it.... i cant help but wish i could have one last arguement with him... and i wish i could have had the chance to tell him that i loved him or get to hug him one last time.... or to even say im sorry for all the things that i have done in my past that have disappointed him.... i dont get to do that, but i wish i could.... but i am rather upset and i dont want to get any worse.... so im going to end this here... i really need some support so please comment me....* thanks
love yall
desirea*
i love you seth
and dad i miss you....
and to dads family, im sorry for all of your pain i wish i could take all of our pain away, but i cant... and im sorry for that, i wish i could take everything away.... sigh* regardless of you all hating me, i love you all...and thats not going to change....never...so get use to it!