dreams and dreams
I'm busy enough and leaning toward being in a shitty mood cuz of the weather. Also someone broke into our car last night. Actually, since the door was unlocked I can't call it a "break-in" but still, they got in, poked around and only took a utility knife. But it's still gross to think of someone coming that far into our back yard to poke around our car. And what if he was all walking through our yard and looking in our windows and stuff? HIDEOUS! I want that damn fence put up NOW! And the weird part is another girl here had her car broken into but she lives in Magnolia so it's not like it was the same guy, but we both wondered if it was a full moon until someone told us it wasn't.
In other news, it was so cute to see Twi at her Mary Kay thing last night. She was all perky but not barfy and she got to run up to get her red coat. It was precious! Not as precious as listening to the benefits of working for Mary Kay....GAG
I had a dream last night that a white-haired woman came to my door and I didn't answer because I didn't know who she was and didn't want to deal with her in case she was a solicitor. She left a package for me and I opened the door to pick it up when she'd left and it was a package of bats. They were wrapped up like meat - shrinkwrapped to a styrofoam tray. They seemed to be alive but barely conscious and I realized they couldn't breathe so I started poking air holes all over the shrinkwrap and they started getting air and moving about and getting active. I wanted to let them out of the package to let them fly and have fun but I figured my cats would catch and eat them. I didn't know how I was supposed to have cats AND bats live together in harmony. I looked up bats and they symbolize rebirth - the death of an old pattern that no longer fits in my new ways of being.
Then it turned into me and the white-haired woman judging American Idol. We were listening to a singer and I gave my constructive criticism when she was done. Too bad I don't remember at all the advice I gave her cuz it probably was advice I was giving myself subconsciously. I'm sure I said something about how she was good but would benefit from more practice. Anyway, I noticed I was wearing black and white polka dots and so were a bunch of other women around me. I was surprised I was wearing something "in style" and proud of myself for being naturally fashionable. Then I realized I was supposed to go up and sing and I hadn't prepared anything! I was racking my brain for a song I could sing with no practice (knowing full well I would need practice to sing ANYTHING in public) but I came up with Xanadu. Then I realized I didn't have a tape with me for them to pop in. I was panicking thinking that once it was my turn to go up and sing, they'd see I wasn't prepared and the criticisms I'd just doled out as the American Idol judge would be meaningless since I couldn't sing myself. Somehow it all meant I would be found out to be a sham. Which is my typical fear of being found out that I'm actually stupid when I'm trying to sound smart. Or more accurately, that when I want to voice my opinions or explain a fact, my fear is that someone will question me and I won't be able to back up what I just said. Which has happened in the past when I blurt things out before thinking because I felt I had to say SOMEthing AND say it quickly to indicate a quick mind (=smart), so basically I'd start sentences I didn't know how to finish. Which I can still do at stressful times like job interviews - where my ability to represent myself as a fully functional, dynamic, extraordinary, superworker is really put to the test. BUT this is something I'm consciously working on and it's been a complicated lesson - more than just telling myself "think before speaking." It is rooted in a different place than where I store self-help phrases like "think before speaking." But with the work I've done over the past 3 years or so, there have been shards here and there of myself that are being recognized and healed and the piece of me that is comfortable speaking what I know, think and feel is getting better all the time.
I think the dream was triggered from me having written a note yesterday to the producers of a documentary I saw the night before. I strongly disagreed with the film makers' angle on the subject of the documentary and when I visited their website they conveniently offered their email address for sending comments. It was a big moment for me to not only compose my thoughts and write the note, but to actually send it meant something had shifted in me. I've written these kinds of notes before but have never sent them because I would think it doesn't make a difference whether I send it or not (nobody's going to read it, the person won't change their mind anyway, what if I sound stupid). And this time none of those things mattered to me. So that was one motivation behind the dream.
Also, listening to the speakers at the Mary Kay thing, I decided I want to start MY career as an independent beauty consultant. KIDDING I realized that I really have an urge to be in front of an audience teaching or explaining or answering questions or...I don't know. What appeals to me is being that person in the front of the room, all eyes on me, engaging the audience with humor, wit and wisdom. Must be why I have such a fear of voicing my thoughts and sounding stupid. Cuz tied up in that is my desire to voice my thoughts! So, my homework now is to think of why I would be standing in front of a roomful of people. What am I telling them? Am I teaching? Am I reading? I'll meditate and pray on it. EXCITING
In other news, it was so cute to see Twi at her Mary Kay thing last night. She was all perky but not barfy and she got to run up to get her red coat. It was precious! Not as precious as listening to the benefits of working for Mary Kay....GAG
I had a dream last night that a white-haired woman came to my door and I didn't answer because I didn't know who she was and didn't want to deal with her in case she was a solicitor. She left a package for me and I opened the door to pick it up when she'd left and it was a package of bats. They were wrapped up like meat - shrinkwrapped to a styrofoam tray. They seemed to be alive but barely conscious and I realized they couldn't breathe so I started poking air holes all over the shrinkwrap and they started getting air and moving about and getting active. I wanted to let them out of the package to let them fly and have fun but I figured my cats would catch and eat them. I didn't know how I was supposed to have cats AND bats live together in harmony. I looked up bats and they symbolize rebirth - the death of an old pattern that no longer fits in my new ways of being.
Then it turned into me and the white-haired woman judging American Idol. We were listening to a singer and I gave my constructive criticism when she was done. Too bad I don't remember at all the advice I gave her cuz it probably was advice I was giving myself subconsciously. I'm sure I said something about how she was good but would benefit from more practice. Anyway, I noticed I was wearing black and white polka dots and so were a bunch of other women around me. I was surprised I was wearing something "in style" and proud of myself for being naturally fashionable. Then I realized I was supposed to go up and sing and I hadn't prepared anything! I was racking my brain for a song I could sing with no practice (knowing full well I would need practice to sing ANYTHING in public) but I came up with Xanadu. Then I realized I didn't have a tape with me for them to pop in. I was panicking thinking that once it was my turn to go up and sing, they'd see I wasn't prepared and the criticisms I'd just doled out as the American Idol judge would be meaningless since I couldn't sing myself. Somehow it all meant I would be found out to be a sham. Which is my typical fear of being found out that I'm actually stupid when I'm trying to sound smart. Or more accurately, that when I want to voice my opinions or explain a fact, my fear is that someone will question me and I won't be able to back up what I just said. Which has happened in the past when I blurt things out before thinking because I felt I had to say SOMEthing AND say it quickly to indicate a quick mind (=smart), so basically I'd start sentences I didn't know how to finish. Which I can still do at stressful times like job interviews - where my ability to represent myself as a fully functional, dynamic, extraordinary, superworker is really put to the test. BUT this is something I'm consciously working on and it's been a complicated lesson - more than just telling myself "think before speaking." It is rooted in a different place than where I store self-help phrases like "think before speaking." But with the work I've done over the past 3 years or so, there have been shards here and there of myself that are being recognized and healed and the piece of me that is comfortable speaking what I know, think and feel is getting better all the time.
I think the dream was triggered from me having written a note yesterday to the producers of a documentary I saw the night before. I strongly disagreed with the film makers' angle on the subject of the documentary and when I visited their website they conveniently offered their email address for sending comments. It was a big moment for me to not only compose my thoughts and write the note, but to actually send it meant something had shifted in me. I've written these kinds of notes before but have never sent them because I would think it doesn't make a difference whether I send it or not (nobody's going to read it, the person won't change their mind anyway, what if I sound stupid). And this time none of those things mattered to me. So that was one motivation behind the dream.
Also, listening to the speakers at the Mary Kay thing, I decided I want to start MY career as an independent beauty consultant. KIDDING I realized that I really have an urge to be in front of an audience teaching or explaining or answering questions or...I don't know. What appeals to me is being that person in the front of the room, all eyes on me, engaging the audience with humor, wit and wisdom. Must be why I have such a fear of voicing my thoughts and sounding stupid. Cuz tied up in that is my desire to voice my thoughts! So, my homework now is to think of why I would be standing in front of a roomful of people. What am I telling them? Am I teaching? Am I reading? I'll meditate and pray on it. EXCITING