Randomly Composed Short Play #3
The Yolk
a play in one act written whilst listening to "Lifted, or the Story is in the Soil Keep Your Ear to the Ground"
(A rather large EGG, preferably golden, sits in a spotlight.
More lights come up, but the egg remains highlighted. Two ELVES, identical twins, enter. They wear opposite colors. Their names are FORMIN and HYARMIN.)
FORMIN and HYARMIN (simultaneous)
Lo, the EGG!
(Both rush forward. Formin goes for the egg, but Hyarmin grabs his brother.)
HYARMIN
No, my brother, the egg is brittle and we will break it into a thousand pieces.
FORMIN
Then I will sweep the pieces up. Let me go!
HYARMIN
As you wish, but I do not think your queen would be much pleased to know you shattered the egg.
FORMIN
I will tell her you did it.
(Hyarmin throws up his arms. Formin takes the egg. Hyarmin takes up his bow and arrow.)
HYARMIN
Take one step further, Formie-
FORMIN
You would not arrow your own brother!
HYARMIN
I believe the correct term is archerize, and if it means the egg, why for the egg I would archerize a thousand brothers.
FORMIN
Drop the bow, Hyarie, or I drop the egg right here.
HYARMIN
Go ahead, and see what your queen thinks!
FORMIN
You bluff.
HYARMIN
You know an elf never bluffs.
FORMIN
Well you hardly can be counted amongst the elves anymore.
HYARMIN
I could say the same of you!
FORMIN
Stop pointing that pointy thing in my direction, lest your slippery fingers let the egg get archerized.
HYARMIN
Put it back down.
FORMIN
You're not getting this egg!
HYARMIN
No, put it back in the spotlight. We'll work this out like the elders would.
FORMIN
Slowly and wrinkly?
HYARMIN
No, with words.
FORMIN
If I didn't know I was a faster draw than you, I wouldn't be doing this. Try and take the egg, brother, and you will get porcupined.
(He puts the egg back down.)
HYARMIN
GENTLY.
FORMIN
As if I wanted to crack it!
HYARMIN
All you care about is the power of that ivory oval. You don't appreciate the beauty of the egg.
FORMIN
I would not crack it.
HYARMIN
We Gooblenites appreciate the egg and will place it on a pedestal to admire. So it should come with me.
FORMIN
That's exactly why it should come with us. You would abuse it with your silly admirations and "I'm-not-worthy" blarney. We Nitlegoobs appreciate the power of the egg. We would use it to bring great things into the world.
HYARMIN
You would abuse it! You would be the end of us all.
FORMIN
The egg is the Elves' to use, you munchkin!
HYARMIN
Always so selfish. But when did you get power-mad?
FORMIN
When did you turn into a brownie? You serve a mousey queen with a giant nose like a human's.
HYARMIN
Her nose is graceful and long like a hawk's.
FORMIN
Human's.
HYARMIN
I shan't degrade myself with your childish games.
FORMIN
Hyarie the high-and-mightie.
HYARMIN
Just because you envy my greater magick doesn't mean you should hate me.
FORMIN
If you're so magickal, why don't you magick the egg away from me.
HYARMIN
The egg can't be won by magick.
FORMIN
Puh! Any way you can get it!
HYARMIN
If the egg wants you, it will find its way to you.
FORMIN
Well the egg found its way to the middle of a tiny little theatre and two estranged twins happened upon it at exactly the same second. So what I think is if the egg wants anything, it wants the better brother to have it.
HYARMIN
Alright, Formin, who's the better brother? I bet I can suppose your answer.
(Formin draws his bow quickly.)
FORMIN
I am. If it comes down to it, I get the egg, because if it comes down to killing each other with our archerizing, or even our magicking, or our ear-pinching, it doesn't matter, because I always beat you up. Don't forget who came out of the lake first.
HYARMIN
It was by a couple seconds, at most! We are the same age.
FORMIN
Little brother, try and brain me out of it if you want, but the egg is mine in the end.
HYARMIN
That's IF it comes to blows.
FORMIN
Well I'm not agreeing to a chess match.
HYARMIN
Right, I would win.
FORMIN
Right.
HYARMIN
We could do a classic two-out-of-three. Chess, arm wrestling, and magicking.
FORMIN
Classic? That's rigged, Hyarie. Chess and magick are practically the same thing. Why don't we do, say, chess, arm wrestling, and running?
HYARMIN
Arm wrestling and running are the same thing.
FORMIN
Well I guess we're at an impasse and I should just take the egg and leave, because I don't want to beat you up unless you have to.
HYARMIN
Maybe I win this time. The stakes are very high.
FORMIN
I promise I won't tell the Gooblenites that I took it from you. I got here first, I'll say. You don't even have to mention you ever saw the egg.
HYARMIN
That doesn't matter, if I get blamed! Besides, my queen would know. My queen knows all.
FORMIN
Yeah, and what's she going to do? Spank you with a ruler? My queen would have me torn into little bits of Elf jerky and fed to the Big Blorg.
HYARMIN
It is not my fault you Nitlegloobs are primitive! You're trolls!
FORMIN
No it ain't. But is your fault you've given that up for sissypuss sorcery. And because of that, I win! I'm taking the egg and leaving.
HYARMIN
I can't allow you to do that! You would take it to your queen. Your evil, troll queen.
FORMIN
Hyarie high-and-mightie. Think I'm doing this just for the reward? Which is sweet, by the way. A lifetime's supply of berry wine.
HYARMIN
Drunkard.
FORMIN
Don't call me names. I actually care, you know, Hyarie. I'm not just that stupid lout. Underneath all this bristling muscle is a brain and a heart and all that other stuff. And you know what all those things tell me? They tell me what's right.
HYARMIN
Your queen would make slaves of humans and chattel of... other things. I cannot let the woodlands become the forest primeval. It is my duty to what's right unto my death. So if you want to take that egg you will have to kill me, Formie, and I do not believe you are capable of fratricide.
FORMIN
I have to do what's right! You take the egg and worship it and slobber over it and polish it with your slobber and while your butts are in the air bowing to it we Nitlegloobs will be overrun by wolves and humans and probably evil skunks and everyone will die.
HYARMIN
This egg is too powerful for such idiot hands as yours! The wolves and humans and stinky smells have been held at bay for the past gabillion generations, WITHOUT THE EGG.
FORMIN
Now is the time. We need the egg or we die.
HYARMIN
You TAKE the egg and we die!
FORMIN
I guess I have to kill you, Hyarie.
HYARMIN
No, you have to defect and bring the egg to us and be my brother again.
FORMIN
Some things are stronger than the blood in our veins.
HYARMIN
That's blue blood. We should be princes of the forest.
FORMIN
My blood is red. We should be kin to the animals.
HYARMIN
We should leave the egg here.
FORMIN
What?
HYARMIN
It's obvious. The egg brought us here at the same time. Why? Two twin brothers? On opposite sides? One serving a hawk-nosed, gracious and wise queen, the other serving a warty, feather-brained-
FORMIN
Dove-brained. Sinewy. What's your point?
HYARMIN
It's telling us that the egg will cause a civil war.
FORMIN
No shit. Whoever gets it, the other guy is going to come after them.
HYARMIN
Right.
FORMIN
Doesn't mean I'm not going to take it. Sure as hell am not going to leave it here for you to come back later.
HYARMIN
We can throw it in the river and never be bothered with it again.
FORMIN
You don't get it. It doesn't matter to us who has it. If you have it, if the mermaids have it, whatever, if WE don't have it, it's all over.
HYARMIN
So you're going to kill me and take it.
FORMIN
If I have to.
HYARMIN
Nothing I can say.
FORMIN
You ain't tricking me out of this elf-maid.
HYARMIN
Well I don't want to die.
FORMIN
So you'll let me have it. You finally do something that's actually smart!
(Formin takes the egg and starts to leave.)
HYARMIN
Wait! I have a better idea!
FORMIN
Nope.
HYARMIN
Let's split the egg.
FORMIN
You talk crazy talk.
HYARMIN
We can split it.
FORMIN
There is only one egg for all the elves. If you break it, you've got, I don't know.
HYARMIN
It's just an egg.
FORMIN
You're trying to trick me!
HYARMIN
No! We can make an omelette. And cut it down the middle.
FORMIN
With cheese? I mean, no!
HYARMIN
Then we both get the power of the egg.
FORMIN
I thought if we get the egg, then it's all over.
HYARMIN
It is. But at least this way it's a fair fight.
FORMIN
No, I think I'll just take it.
HYARMIN
You kill your brother. You can tell your queen I tried to destroy the egg, and you cooked it to save it. You'll be a hero.
FORMIN
And what about when she finds out the Gooblenites have half?
HYARMIN
By that time you and I can run away and be brothers off in the jungle with the Party Elves.
FORMIN
The Party Elves?
HYARMIN
Yeah, like old times. You and me, Formie. We can let our queens duke it out to the bitter end. Forget 'em.
FORMIN
You're tricking me.
HYARMIN
Only into letting me live.
FORMIN
I mean, sure, now that we've got this egg here, you want to be brothers again.
HYARMIN
What do you say?
(Formin thinks about it.)
FORMIN
Break your bow.
(Hyarmin breaks it.)
FORMIN
Uh-huh. Throw away your fairy dust.
(Hyarmin does.)
HYARMIN
I'm just your brother, Formin.
FORMIN
I don't trust you for a minute, Hyarmin. But you know I can kill you just like that if you try any funny business.
HYARMIN
I know.
FORMIN
Well, okay. Um. Okay.
HYARMIN
I've got a frying pan.
(He gets a regular-sized frying pan.)
HYARMIN
We'll have to cook it in stages.
(They lift the egg.)
FORMIN
Here goes.)
(They slam it on the pan to crack it. Blackout.
After the applause that assumes the play is over, lights come back up. The egg didn't break.)
FORMIN
Crap.
HYARMIN
Tougher than I thought.
FORMIN
It's just an egg. It should break.
HYARMIN
Maybe it has magickal resistance.
FORMIN
I don't think it's gonna crack if it won't crack on a frying pan.
HYARMIN
Well, what now?
FORMIN
Uh... got any chickens?
HYARMIN
Elves? Having chickens?
FORMIN
Any swans?
HYARMIN
Yeah.
FORMIN
I've got a couple. We'll use swan eggs and just tell them it was the Big Egg. We'll meet back here after the woodsy war starts.
HYARMIN
Works for me.
(Pause.)
FORMIN
Back away one step at a time.
(They back away, one step at a time, until both have exited. The real blackout.
End.)
a play in one act written whilst listening to "Lifted, or the Story is in the Soil Keep Your Ear to the Ground"
(A rather large EGG, preferably golden, sits in a spotlight.
More lights come up, but the egg remains highlighted. Two ELVES, identical twins, enter. They wear opposite colors. Their names are FORMIN and HYARMIN.)
FORMIN and HYARMIN (simultaneous)
Lo, the EGG!
(Both rush forward. Formin goes for the egg, but Hyarmin grabs his brother.)
HYARMIN
No, my brother, the egg is brittle and we will break it into a thousand pieces.
FORMIN
Then I will sweep the pieces up. Let me go!
HYARMIN
As you wish, but I do not think your queen would be much pleased to know you shattered the egg.
FORMIN
I will tell her you did it.
(Hyarmin throws up his arms. Formin takes the egg. Hyarmin takes up his bow and arrow.)
HYARMIN
Take one step further, Formie-
FORMIN
You would not arrow your own brother!
HYARMIN
I believe the correct term is archerize, and if it means the egg, why for the egg I would archerize a thousand brothers.
FORMIN
Drop the bow, Hyarie, or I drop the egg right here.
HYARMIN
Go ahead, and see what your queen thinks!
FORMIN
You bluff.
HYARMIN
You know an elf never bluffs.
FORMIN
Well you hardly can be counted amongst the elves anymore.
HYARMIN
I could say the same of you!
FORMIN
Stop pointing that pointy thing in my direction, lest your slippery fingers let the egg get archerized.
HYARMIN
Put it back down.
FORMIN
You're not getting this egg!
HYARMIN
No, put it back in the spotlight. We'll work this out like the elders would.
FORMIN
Slowly and wrinkly?
HYARMIN
No, with words.
FORMIN
If I didn't know I was a faster draw than you, I wouldn't be doing this. Try and take the egg, brother, and you will get porcupined.
(He puts the egg back down.)
HYARMIN
GENTLY.
FORMIN
As if I wanted to crack it!
HYARMIN
All you care about is the power of that ivory oval. You don't appreciate the beauty of the egg.
FORMIN
I would not crack it.
HYARMIN
We Gooblenites appreciate the egg and will place it on a pedestal to admire. So it should come with me.
FORMIN
That's exactly why it should come with us. You would abuse it with your silly admirations and "I'm-not-worthy" blarney. We Nitlegoobs appreciate the power of the egg. We would use it to bring great things into the world.
HYARMIN
You would abuse it! You would be the end of us all.
FORMIN
The egg is the Elves' to use, you munchkin!
HYARMIN
Always so selfish. But when did you get power-mad?
FORMIN
When did you turn into a brownie? You serve a mousey queen with a giant nose like a human's.
HYARMIN
Her nose is graceful and long like a hawk's.
FORMIN
Human's.
HYARMIN
I shan't degrade myself with your childish games.
FORMIN
Hyarie the high-and-mightie.
HYARMIN
Just because you envy my greater magick doesn't mean you should hate me.
FORMIN
If you're so magickal, why don't you magick the egg away from me.
HYARMIN
The egg can't be won by magick.
FORMIN
Puh! Any way you can get it!
HYARMIN
If the egg wants you, it will find its way to you.
FORMIN
Well the egg found its way to the middle of a tiny little theatre and two estranged twins happened upon it at exactly the same second. So what I think is if the egg wants anything, it wants the better brother to have it.
HYARMIN
Alright, Formin, who's the better brother? I bet I can suppose your answer.
(Formin draws his bow quickly.)
FORMIN
I am. If it comes down to it, I get the egg, because if it comes down to killing each other with our archerizing, or even our magicking, or our ear-pinching, it doesn't matter, because I always beat you up. Don't forget who came out of the lake first.
HYARMIN
It was by a couple seconds, at most! We are the same age.
FORMIN
Little brother, try and brain me out of it if you want, but the egg is mine in the end.
HYARMIN
That's IF it comes to blows.
FORMIN
Well I'm not agreeing to a chess match.
HYARMIN
Right, I would win.
FORMIN
Right.
HYARMIN
We could do a classic two-out-of-three. Chess, arm wrestling, and magicking.
FORMIN
Classic? That's rigged, Hyarie. Chess and magick are practically the same thing. Why don't we do, say, chess, arm wrestling, and running?
HYARMIN
Arm wrestling and running are the same thing.
FORMIN
Well I guess we're at an impasse and I should just take the egg and leave, because I don't want to beat you up unless you have to.
HYARMIN
Maybe I win this time. The stakes are very high.
FORMIN
I promise I won't tell the Gooblenites that I took it from you. I got here first, I'll say. You don't even have to mention you ever saw the egg.
HYARMIN
That doesn't matter, if I get blamed! Besides, my queen would know. My queen knows all.
FORMIN
Yeah, and what's she going to do? Spank you with a ruler? My queen would have me torn into little bits of Elf jerky and fed to the Big Blorg.
HYARMIN
It is not my fault you Nitlegloobs are primitive! You're trolls!
FORMIN
No it ain't. But is your fault you've given that up for sissypuss sorcery. And because of that, I win! I'm taking the egg and leaving.
HYARMIN
I can't allow you to do that! You would take it to your queen. Your evil, troll queen.
FORMIN
Hyarie high-and-mightie. Think I'm doing this just for the reward? Which is sweet, by the way. A lifetime's supply of berry wine.
HYARMIN
Drunkard.
FORMIN
Don't call me names. I actually care, you know, Hyarie. I'm not just that stupid lout. Underneath all this bristling muscle is a brain and a heart and all that other stuff. And you know what all those things tell me? They tell me what's right.
HYARMIN
Your queen would make slaves of humans and chattel of... other things. I cannot let the woodlands become the forest primeval. It is my duty to what's right unto my death. So if you want to take that egg you will have to kill me, Formie, and I do not believe you are capable of fratricide.
FORMIN
I have to do what's right! You take the egg and worship it and slobber over it and polish it with your slobber and while your butts are in the air bowing to it we Nitlegloobs will be overrun by wolves and humans and probably evil skunks and everyone will die.
HYARMIN
This egg is too powerful for such idiot hands as yours! The wolves and humans and stinky smells have been held at bay for the past gabillion generations, WITHOUT THE EGG.
FORMIN
Now is the time. We need the egg or we die.
HYARMIN
You TAKE the egg and we die!
FORMIN
I guess I have to kill you, Hyarie.
HYARMIN
No, you have to defect and bring the egg to us and be my brother again.
FORMIN
Some things are stronger than the blood in our veins.
HYARMIN
That's blue blood. We should be princes of the forest.
FORMIN
My blood is red. We should be kin to the animals.
HYARMIN
We should leave the egg here.
FORMIN
What?
HYARMIN
It's obvious. The egg brought us here at the same time. Why? Two twin brothers? On opposite sides? One serving a hawk-nosed, gracious and wise queen, the other serving a warty, feather-brained-
FORMIN
Dove-brained. Sinewy. What's your point?
HYARMIN
It's telling us that the egg will cause a civil war.
FORMIN
No shit. Whoever gets it, the other guy is going to come after them.
HYARMIN
Right.
FORMIN
Doesn't mean I'm not going to take it. Sure as hell am not going to leave it here for you to come back later.
HYARMIN
We can throw it in the river and never be bothered with it again.
FORMIN
You don't get it. It doesn't matter to us who has it. If you have it, if the mermaids have it, whatever, if WE don't have it, it's all over.
HYARMIN
So you're going to kill me and take it.
FORMIN
If I have to.
HYARMIN
Nothing I can say.
FORMIN
You ain't tricking me out of this elf-maid.
HYARMIN
Well I don't want to die.
FORMIN
So you'll let me have it. You finally do something that's actually smart!
(Formin takes the egg and starts to leave.)
HYARMIN
Wait! I have a better idea!
FORMIN
Nope.
HYARMIN
Let's split the egg.
FORMIN
You talk crazy talk.
HYARMIN
We can split it.
FORMIN
There is only one egg for all the elves. If you break it, you've got, I don't know.
HYARMIN
It's just an egg.
FORMIN
You're trying to trick me!
HYARMIN
No! We can make an omelette. And cut it down the middle.
FORMIN
With cheese? I mean, no!
HYARMIN
Then we both get the power of the egg.
FORMIN
I thought if we get the egg, then it's all over.
HYARMIN
It is. But at least this way it's a fair fight.
FORMIN
No, I think I'll just take it.
HYARMIN
You kill your brother. You can tell your queen I tried to destroy the egg, and you cooked it to save it. You'll be a hero.
FORMIN
And what about when she finds out the Gooblenites have half?
HYARMIN
By that time you and I can run away and be brothers off in the jungle with the Party Elves.
FORMIN
The Party Elves?
HYARMIN
Yeah, like old times. You and me, Formie. We can let our queens duke it out to the bitter end. Forget 'em.
FORMIN
You're tricking me.
HYARMIN
Only into letting me live.
FORMIN
I mean, sure, now that we've got this egg here, you want to be brothers again.
HYARMIN
What do you say?
(Formin thinks about it.)
FORMIN
Break your bow.
(Hyarmin breaks it.)
FORMIN
Uh-huh. Throw away your fairy dust.
(Hyarmin does.)
HYARMIN
I'm just your brother, Formin.
FORMIN
I don't trust you for a minute, Hyarmin. But you know I can kill you just like that if you try any funny business.
HYARMIN
I know.
FORMIN
Well, okay. Um. Okay.
HYARMIN
I've got a frying pan.
(He gets a regular-sized frying pan.)
HYARMIN
We'll have to cook it in stages.
(They lift the egg.)
FORMIN
Here goes.)
(They slam it on the pan to crack it. Blackout.
After the applause that assumes the play is over, lights come back up. The egg didn't break.)
FORMIN
Crap.
HYARMIN
Tougher than I thought.
FORMIN
It's just an egg. It should break.
HYARMIN
Maybe it has magickal resistance.
FORMIN
I don't think it's gonna crack if it won't crack on a frying pan.
HYARMIN
Well, what now?
FORMIN
Uh... got any chickens?
HYARMIN
Elves? Having chickens?
FORMIN
Any swans?
HYARMIN
Yeah.
FORMIN
I've got a couple. We'll use swan eggs and just tell them it was the Big Egg. We'll meet back here after the woodsy war starts.
HYARMIN
Works for me.
(Pause.)
FORMIN
Back away one step at a time.
(They back away, one step at a time, until both have exited. The real blackout.
End.)