I've got to admit, it's getting better...
I think I have been feeling a little better recently. On the scale where 0 is how I was feeling at the end of May, and 100 was how I was feeling in late March, and 85 is normal-ish, and 70 is how I was feeling for most of my depression, and 10 was how I was feeling for most of my summer, I would say that I'm now feeling about a 75. In school that would be a C, but I guess that's a considerable improvement.
Unfortunately, at this point I'm thinking it's very unlikely I will be able to go back to school in the spring, as much as it pains me to say that. I'm still having problems with concentration, focus, and follow-through. It probably sounds odd, but I think that when I'm like this it's almost like I have ADD--if I understand that diagnosis correctly as a shortage of working memory. To make an analogy involving computers, when I feel good, when I feel the way I'm supposed to, it's like my brain has a fast processing speed with tons of memory and it almost never crashes. When I was on the downswing, my brain still had the fast processing but the memory started dwindling and it kept crashing. Couldn't run anything heavy on the graphics and couldn't switch to the classic OS from the new OS which was a problem because most of the apps were not compatible with the new OS and the new versions which were compatible with the new OS hadn't finished downloading before the internet connection was lost. Then eventually the processing speed slowed down and the memory was cut by 2/3 and it was still crashing now and again. Now it's pretty much the same except that there's less crashing and the classic OS is running again, but the new OS is not working so I'm still stuck with the old obsolete applications. But all throughout this change the hard drive has still maintained the same amount of storage space and nothing has been erased, even though my hard drive is now full of applications that I can't run because they require too much memory or they are only partially downloaded, and half the time I open Microsoft Word it crashes. I can almost hear that little part of myself calling from the past, begging me to please get to work finishing those application updates and switching to the newer, better OS so I can be more productive. I can almost hear the disappointment every time the little software update window pops up and I have to hit the "remind me later" button because I've reverted to dial-up internet service and it's slow as hell, so slow that I can't really do anything more complicated than check email.
In case you got lost in that extended metaphor, it basically means that I still can't do my work and I have a bizarre kind of amnesia. And that when I say I can't run graphics heavy programs I mean that I literally see less. That's right, less vision.
Anyways, that means I'll probably be looking for a job in the near future--something not too demanding, and probably only part time. I have one prospect with flexible hours and flexible location, but I don't know if it will pan out.
I've been really wanting to go on a road trip, now that I'm feeling more human again. Who would like a visit? My schedule is pretty much wide open.
Unfortunately, at this point I'm thinking it's very unlikely I will be able to go back to school in the spring, as much as it pains me to say that. I'm still having problems with concentration, focus, and follow-through. It probably sounds odd, but I think that when I'm like this it's almost like I have ADD--if I understand that diagnosis correctly as a shortage of working memory. To make an analogy involving computers, when I feel good, when I feel the way I'm supposed to, it's like my brain has a fast processing speed with tons of memory and it almost never crashes. When I was on the downswing, my brain still had the fast processing but the memory started dwindling and it kept crashing. Couldn't run anything heavy on the graphics and couldn't switch to the classic OS from the new OS which was a problem because most of the apps were not compatible with the new OS and the new versions which were compatible with the new OS hadn't finished downloading before the internet connection was lost. Then eventually the processing speed slowed down and the memory was cut by 2/3 and it was still crashing now and again. Now it's pretty much the same except that there's less crashing and the classic OS is running again, but the new OS is not working so I'm still stuck with the old obsolete applications. But all throughout this change the hard drive has still maintained the same amount of storage space and nothing has been erased, even though my hard drive is now full of applications that I can't run because they require too much memory or they are only partially downloaded, and half the time I open Microsoft Word it crashes. I can almost hear that little part of myself calling from the past, begging me to please get to work finishing those application updates and switching to the newer, better OS so I can be more productive. I can almost hear the disappointment every time the little software update window pops up and I have to hit the "remind me later" button because I've reverted to dial-up internet service and it's slow as hell, so slow that I can't really do anything more complicated than check email.
In case you got lost in that extended metaphor, it basically means that I still can't do my work and I have a bizarre kind of amnesia. And that when I say I can't run graphics heavy programs I mean that I literally see less. That's right, less vision.
Anyways, that means I'll probably be looking for a job in the near future--something not too demanding, and probably only part time. I have one prospect with flexible hours and flexible location, but I don't know if it will pan out.
I've been really wanting to go on a road trip, now that I'm feeling more human again. Who would like a visit? My schedule is pretty much wide open.