The oddities of mental illness

[babe_of_beyazit]

I think in my "recovery" process, the thing I am having the hardest time coming to grips with is not breaking up with David (hardly miss him) or moving back in with my mother temporarily (things have settled down considerably) or having to leave school because of failing grades (I'll be able to apply for readmission when I get up to speed), or the

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[babe_of_beyazit]

Thanks for the good vibes. I guess I had been holding off on broadcasting this sort of thing because I didn't want people to worry about me and because I didn't care to talk about it with most people. I wasn't sure if it would make sense to them anyways.

I should probably clarify, I wasn't raped; that was just what the therapist inferred on our first visit. Therapists are trained to identify this sort of thing but sometimes I think they're a little to eager to impose an interpretation they're familiar with instead of digging deeper. I think the Wellbutrin was having the effect of making me more anxious initially, and that was making me even more jittery than usual, in the therapist's office and elsewhere. This had been a serious issue because my housemate was having his own bout of insanity at the time and acting like a maniac, which was scaring the shit out of me (and my mother), medication or no. I don't have this problem any more.

I was reading an article in Discover magazine recently about a possible new treatment for patients with post-traumatic stress disorder: zapping memories. The treatment is supposed to target the specific traumatic memory, but there were people signing up to try the experimental treatment who had such disruption in their lives because of their trauma that they didn't care if the memory of their whole lives was erased along with the trauma. That's how badly they wanted to forget it. I can't imagine what kind of nightmarish existence one must have to be so desperate.

I wouldn't want to erase the memory of the past several months, for many reasons. First and foremost, I'm confident I'll get through this eventually. Actually, what worries me most at this point is that I won't be able to go back to school in the spring. That's my biggest concern! Although fortunately I have a job prospect right now so I might be able to make some money if it comes to that. If I don't go back to school in the spring that just means I'll be postponed another semester. It's inconvenient, but it's not the end of the world.

The second reason is intellectual interest. I feel that there is something to be learned from every experience, and I would never pass up the opportunity to analyze something so complicated and world-shaking (for me), even if it was painful or frightening. It just takes time.

Third, I feel that this experience has impressed upon me the importance of being conscientious in how we treat others, how we conduct our lives, and how we pass judgment. It has illuminated a great many other things for me as well. I'll probably post more about this another time.