Look! An entry!
Hi, um, I'm very very contrite that I haven't posted here in awhile. Sometimes I start to write an entry, and then the overwhelming shame just crashes down and collapses my hand muscles until I'm nothing more than a crumpled, distorted figure in my swivley chair, barely able to breathe for shame. Then, of course, is when the dachshund leaps into action and scampers over from his little fuzzy bed to delete my entry, running back and forth on the computer, shifty eyes wild. He loves ruining my day, whether it be through deleting my half-finished entries or pissing on my rug, the little guy is always there for me.
Anyway, what I came on here to complain about was college essays. I've taken a rather non-Lauren turn for the better and decided to get as much of my applications done as I possibly can before the school year starts. It's actually kind of fun, believe it or not, I'm a big fan of paperwork. It's very easy, and at the end you're full of satisfaction and good tidings. All the letters, squared up and beautiful...life is in order and categorized and easy to see. That said, I'd like to express my immense dissatisfaction with the essay question (which I'll only be answering twice, fortunately) "What is your greatest fault?"
Give me a break. What moron is going to answer that question honestly? It's a fine line one treads when answering, because what they're really asking is "What is a fault that you can think of (it doesn't REALLY need to apply to you) that is both a weakness and a strength. But more strength. Weasel of this one, bitch." Honestly now! I bet 9 out of 10 answers will be some variation of "I push myself to hard," and the 10th will be like, "Well, sometimes, I work so fast that sparks fly off my hands and slightly burn (but never injure!) those around me. To compensate, I work in secluded areas, which is also good because I'm less distracted and am therefore able to accomplish 450x the workload of any normal-speed human." Pish. I think mine will be, "Some days I just feel like dying. I'm so fucking lazy that on Saturdays I don't ever open my eyes until about 10 PM when the darkness is so consuming that I'm able to transition from the state of closed, sleepy eyes to pure darkness with little or none of that "squint" pain." OR something like, "At the towering, intimidating, near-God-like height of 4'8", I've been tormented and teased more than the usual kid. However, I find that my greatest handicap is not my inability to reach the drinking fountain, or the fact that I can never find jeans, but rather never being able to consume near the amount of alcohol as the rest of my friends, and therefore never win any fun drinking games like, "who can drink this fastest before passing out". I'm reminded of this unfortunate fact every two or three hours when my friends and I get together for some good times whether it be in the school bathroom or the alley behind Safeway. However, I feel like I'm taking steps to improve my wimp-esque state by steadily "immunizing" myself to alcohol. Every day I drink a little more, and a little more, till eventually I'll be unstoppable, an Alcohol Goddess, Queen of the Liquid Grain, able to throw down 200 shots before being rushed once again to the emergency room, where everybody knows your name."
Princeton, here I come.
Anyway, what I came on here to complain about was college essays. I've taken a rather non-Lauren turn for the better and decided to get as much of my applications done as I possibly can before the school year starts. It's actually kind of fun, believe it or not, I'm a big fan of paperwork. It's very easy, and at the end you're full of satisfaction and good tidings. All the letters, squared up and beautiful...life is in order and categorized and easy to see. That said, I'd like to express my immense dissatisfaction with the essay question (which I'll only be answering twice, fortunately) "What is your greatest fault?"
Give me a break. What moron is going to answer that question honestly? It's a fine line one treads when answering, because what they're really asking is "What is a fault that you can think of (it doesn't REALLY need to apply to you) that is both a weakness and a strength. But more strength. Weasel of this one, bitch." Honestly now! I bet 9 out of 10 answers will be some variation of "I push myself to hard," and the 10th will be like, "Well, sometimes, I work so fast that sparks fly off my hands and slightly burn (but never injure!) those around me. To compensate, I work in secluded areas, which is also good because I'm less distracted and am therefore able to accomplish 450x the workload of any normal-speed human." Pish. I think mine will be, "Some days I just feel like dying. I'm so fucking lazy that on Saturdays I don't ever open my eyes until about 10 PM when the darkness is so consuming that I'm able to transition from the state of closed, sleepy eyes to pure darkness with little or none of that "squint" pain." OR something like, "At the towering, intimidating, near-God-like height of 4'8", I've been tormented and teased more than the usual kid. However, I find that my greatest handicap is not my inability to reach the drinking fountain, or the fact that I can never find jeans, but rather never being able to consume near the amount of alcohol as the rest of my friends, and therefore never win any fun drinking games like, "who can drink this fastest before passing out". I'm reminded of this unfortunate fact every two or three hours when my friends and I get together for some good times whether it be in the school bathroom or the alley behind Safeway. However, I feel like I'm taking steps to improve my wimp-esque state by steadily "immunizing" myself to alcohol. Every day I drink a little more, and a little more, till eventually I'll be unstoppable, an Alcohol Goddess, Queen of the Liquid Grain, able to throw down 200 shots before being rushed once again to the emergency room, where everybody knows your name."
Princeton, here I come.