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[babaenita]

theres no one like this one. no one above him. i want his love, i want to love him. i pray for time again.

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this is lonnnng

[babaenita]

okay. so i know you remember the guy i was dating a long time ago (cj), well that guy and i broke up in february and i moved out and then moved in with his parents blah blah....we are cool now and he has a lovely girlfriend and theyre happy together. so from he and i dating, i had made friends with this girl joie.... when cj and i broke up, joie was really there for me and i was hanging out with her a bit...she has a brother named bryan..and he worked with cj and i at olive garden. i had always thought that he was cute but i was dating cj so it wasnt really anything i ever thought about you know? anyway, so after cj and i broke up, i was hanging out with bryan here and there...because joie was at school and it was just nice to have the company of friends right? around that same time i had been talking to this guy who i also worked with, his name is tommy. hes a cool guy and we are just friends now, i cut off everything once i started to realize that i liked bryan..which came from us hanging out here and there and really getting along and having a lot of fun together...bryan and i happened unexpectedly..i didnt really know how to handle it and i didnt really know what we were for a while...but we made things official and everything was really amazing with the exception of a couple times when i freaked out...mostly stemmed from being overwelmed with emotions..etc etc you know how that is. sometimes things get to be too much, some things seem too good. i sometimes dont feel like i deserve anything that is positive. in the beginning of bryan and i, there were a few instances where we would talk about stuff and he would get overwhelmed and i felt like he overreacted, he came from a completely different world...completely different upbringing than i did. i guess he had a hard time understanding some of the stuff i would tell him. i became hesistant about talking openly to him about stuff. he also expressed a certain dislike for all of my guy friends...and the majority of my friends are guys. i never told him about tommy and i's history because i felt that he would be judgemental, i thought it would make things more difficult...we all worked together. it was information i kept to myself to save having to deal with it. at the same time, i was still keeping friendships with all of the same friends i had before, including tommy...without letting bryan in on it. i was going behind his back and being dishonest about things, and he has hangups about girls being dishonest to him in the past. on the fourth of july my real father called me and i hate him more than anyone and the day before that, my birthday, his mother called me to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that she was dying, there had been someother stuff...mostly massive levels of anxiety before that...bryan threw me a birthday cookout and i was really worried about it for a few days beforehand...you know how things build up right? everything just piles up. well i had to work the day my dad called me...it sent me over. i had a major breakdown. bryan came to work and tried to talk to me and i couldnt even talk to him. it wasnt anything about him, i just couldnt deal with anyone. so i got off of work and should have just gone home and gone to bed. i bought cigarrettes, which i had quit...and people were hanging out over at tommys house. i went over there and got stupidly drunk crying over how i felt life weighing down on me while watching fucking blow....and passed out on their couch. i dont really remember doing that, but somebody put a blanket over me and i woke up at like 8 in the morning, had to drive an hour home to take a shower and an hour back out to get to work. it was pretty horrible, i felt pretty horrible, my phone was off all night. i tried to call bryan on the way to work to organize some sort of talk about everything, because i was being incredibly selfish about things...not talking to him...but he didnt answer. i got to work, had to get something out of my car and when i went to my car...noticed some stickers from bryans other job(he worked there and at olive garden)...i have a major dislike of stickers on cars in general and tried calling him again, he said he put them on my car when i was at tommys.