frazzled.
full of confusion I wander around this town aimlessly and the urge to run away is taking over.
if only I could go now.
right now.
I'm consumed with thoughts of leaving.
I've set my goals at merely passing this semester of straight bullshit (core crap) and then everything will be in my wake. I desperately want to trade my heart of gold in for a cold hard brick. it's almost to the point where people have to fight their way in. and it's a damn shame what mistreatment has done to me. jaded has always been a temporary expression of mine in the past but I'm feeling worn down now and less resilient than before. I feel invaded by everyone. and skeptical.
her back and forth behavior is running me off and she doesn't even see it.
she doesn't even know.
and I wonder what tomorrow brings.
one less day here.
one less day with these things I love.
and as much as I am loved I know people will go on without me and not miss a beat. that's completely natural.
however,
I wonder if it'll hurt her not to have me at her disposal anymore. I wonder if the thought of me leaving tears through her like it does me. she -never- tells me how she feels and I tell myself I don't matter cause it hurts less than to feel like I'm not enough, and I know I'm not. and yet here I am wishing I was everything. wishing my ears would hear her voice scream it.
I'm not going to plead for some epiphany, or articulate all the reasons why I'm not holding my breath. I'm not the waiting type, so when I finally do go don't expect me to check my rear-view. you'll have to grab this girl by the shoulders and whip her around. then probably slap me a time or two because I'm good at convincing myself of things if it helps me cope. even if they are falsehoods.
I think I'm pressing myself to join the service because deep down I think I might not want to leave. and I feel like if I don't take this chance I'll never spread my wings. ripping up these roots will be the emotional equivalent to Katrina though. but I'm doing this for myself. and hurting always made me better.
I've decided to go active duty... and I haven't told anyone yet.
I'm single now. and not in the position to love anything but my heart never asks me permission for shit. and this is where the desire for a cold hard brick comes.
it's only half past the point of no return,
the tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn,
the thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase
have you ever felt this way?