It makes it a little easier.
I confess I'm finding it harder to visit Mam's grave. Its not so much the graveside and the sadness that goes with that (although thats no walk in the park) its when I enter the cemetary there are so so many graves. Hundreds of people. People who lived to a hundred and four and babies who were born as "angels" (particularly heartbreaking). You can't help but read some of the gravestones. Each one has a note at the bottom. Sometimes I avert my eyes feeling that this is a personal message between the deceased and their loved ones and I have no business snooping. I get upset when I see graves that haven't been tended, they are overgrown with weeds the stone hidden by time and dirt. It gives the impression that time makes you forget and this is what I find most distressing. Perhaps if the grave itself is quite old all the deceased loved ones are also deceased? I miss her terribly and visiting this place hammers home that I will never see her again.
Mam's gravestone is ordered and will be going up in the next few weeks. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It's so final. I see newly erected gravestones besides Mam's neighbours and it looks like they are softening the ground on the next section up in preperation for opening. Mam's grave is at the back of the cemetary. When I stare past her grave the surrounding area is still countryside with fields and lots of trees. I'm worried when more graves are opened, more people laid to rest that her grave will look like all the others. That I might not be able to find it as easily as I do now (I am notorious for no sense of direction).
When I was up there this evening weeding and sweeping a ginny jo caught my eye. I looked up and there where hundreds of them floating elegantly in the air and when the sunshine hit them they looked like delicate snowflakes. There were birds flying in and out of the hedges. I saw two magpies. Dead heading some flowers on her grave I came upon a ladybird going about her business. With death all around there is still life. It makes it a little easier. As I gathered up my trowels and various gardening implements and walked down toward the main avenue a hare caught my eye. The first time I visited the grave by myself I saw a hare. I was upset then as I was now and this lovely creature with it shiny liquid eyes and gorgeous coat distracted me. I stood in front of him and he stared at me stretching up on his hindlegs with his ears and nose twitching. We stayed like that for a few seconds before he scampered off. As I continued on slowly I could see him keeping pace with me through the gravestones. The sun came out and the marble and granite lit up like mirrors. I was all alone there, midweek seems to be an unpopular time to visit. The sun moved behind me and my shadow lengthened and I stared down at it. Larger then life. Gazing to my right there was another shadow walking beside with me for a split second. I turned but there wasn't anyone there. Looking back the shadow had gone. A trick of the light? Maybe, I don't know.
Mam's gravestone is ordered and will be going up in the next few weeks. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It's so final. I see newly erected gravestones besides Mam's neighbours and it looks like they are softening the ground on the next section up in preperation for opening. Mam's grave is at the back of the cemetary. When I stare past her grave the surrounding area is still countryside with fields and lots of trees. I'm worried when more graves are opened, more people laid to rest that her grave will look like all the others. That I might not be able to find it as easily as I do now (I am notorious for no sense of direction).
When I was up there this evening weeding and sweeping a ginny jo caught my eye. I looked up and there where hundreds of them floating elegantly in the air and when the sunshine hit them they looked like delicate snowflakes. There were birds flying in and out of the hedges. I saw two magpies. Dead heading some flowers on her grave I came upon a ladybird going about her business. With death all around there is still life. It makes it a little easier. As I gathered up my trowels and various gardening implements and walked down toward the main avenue a hare caught my eye. The first time I visited the grave by myself I saw a hare. I was upset then as I was now and this lovely creature with it shiny liquid eyes and gorgeous coat distracted me. I stood in front of him and he stared at me stretching up on his hindlegs with his ears and nose twitching. We stayed like that for a few seconds before he scampered off. As I continued on slowly I could see him keeping pace with me through the gravestones. The sun came out and the marble and granite lit up like mirrors. I was all alone there, midweek seems to be an unpopular time to visit. The sun moved behind me and my shadow lengthened and I stared down at it. Larger then life. Gazing to my right there was another shadow walking beside with me for a split second. I turned but there wasn't anyone there. Looking back the shadow had gone. A trick of the light? Maybe, I don't know.