Don't Judge Me [letter 1]
"There's a loneliness that only exists in one's mind. The loneliness moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
- F.Scott Fitzgeral
Dear friend, Sept.17,2012
You know the saying ‘You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’? I’ve been told constantly that you keep the good things or you’ll lose everything you love. But I didn’t listen. I always thought things would go the way I wanted it to but it doesn’t work like that. Never in my life did I think I would understand the complete meaning of that saying.
Never with a girl like Billie.
The end of our relationship is my fault. Everything bad between Billie and I has always been my fault. She’s always have been faithful to me but I fucked that up. Maybe she would still be mine if I held her tighter at night, then she wouldn’t think someone was there before her. Or kissed her softer. Told her I love her more. Jiyong always told me that girls don’t like it when you’re too shy.
It’s probably not that.
Because for a split moment, she wasn’t on my mind. For that split moment, Billie slipped my mind. That moment turned to an hour, then a week to nearly six months. The temptations got the best of me.
The thing is, that girl wasn’t Billie. She didn’t show me the love Billie did. We never talked about our feelings. It was always about sex and it gave me excitement. Billie and I had sex, but that was more of making love. With her, it was rough, hot and steamy. It was fun. I continued to fool around with her even though Billie made me happy. No one told me that fooling around would ruin my life. I miss Billie and she left because I messed around
Our first and last fight was bad. I never hit her, nothing like that. She was furious with me and I couldn’t stand it. Friend, please don’t hurt the one you love. If you aren’t with them or whatever, just don’t hurt them. It will break you, because I’m broken.
Billie came home after work like she always did, but something was off. Like, when you know someone for so long, you just know something isn’t right. She didn’t greet me. No eye contact, she just walked passed me and went straight to the kitchen. At that moment, I knew Billie found out everything
“Did you have fun with her? Is she better than me?” there was distaste in her voice with a tinge of hurt. “Was she?” I looked for her loving eyes but I could only find these sad ones. My mind went completely blank. The only thing I could register was that I hurt Billie with my stupid actions
Before I answered her, I thought of the day Billie and I first met. Billie was working at the cafe while I ran away from world
I swear, if you saw Billie the way I saw her, you’d fall as fast as I did. Her hair was up in a messy bun, you could see it in her face that work was giving her a tough time, but she looked beautiful. As soon as she smiled, I was lost. Her smile is so beautiful, I swore she could have been a goddess. That’s how beautiful Billie is. She could have been a goddess from a story. Maybe I should have told her that before the fall
She walked over to my table and asked what I would like. I told her that coffee was fine and she went to the back to get my drink. For the rest of the week I went to that cafe to only get a coffee and watch her. Some days she wasn’t there and others she was but didn’t go to my table. I just continued to watch her beauty and that was enough until it wasn’t
She walked over to my table to take my cup when I stopped her, “I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime,” and to my surprise, she said yes. It’s terrible on my part to be asking someone out with my career but I just had to Seungri has flings all the time but that’s not what I was looking for
“Was she?” her voice bringing me back to what was happening.
“Babe, why would you think that?” I said kneeling in front of her, placing my hands on her knees. She brought her hand to cover her face looking at the wall. Her other hand pushed my hands off her knees.
“Am I not attractive? Is she prettier then me? What can I do so it’s me and not her?” she barley looked at me. I don’t think she could look at me. ‘Cause if she did, she would forgive me.
“No, she’s not you. She’s not better then you in any way Billie.” It’s true, that other girl wasn’t her. “I don’t know why, but she became more and it shouldn’t have,” I confessed. When Billie finally looked at me, her eyes were red and I could tell she was on the verge of crying
I fucked up so badly. Billie’s expression told me so and fuck, I wish I didn’t. You’re not suppose to make the one you love cry. That’s what I did, I made Billie cry and hate me forever. All she’s been was faithful and true while I fucked someone else
“Why’d you do it?” she wept. “Why’d you fucking do it?” she repeated, raising her voice. Billie raised her hand and slapped me across the face, but I felt nothing. I kept on telling her that I was sorry but she continued to slap me calling me terrible names I’d rather not tell you. She had every right to call me those names. This continued for what felt like an eternity.
“Baby, I’m sorry. Believe me when I say I’m sorry, please.” I pleaded, grabbing her hands. She shoved me into the wall, leaving me alone in the kitchen. Things being being tossed around could be heard in the other room, and my body crumbled. Moments passed and my body was kneeling on the floor. My mind couldn’t comprehend anything. Everything was ruined
Billie walked back into the kitchen with a duffle bag, “Get out!” she shouted, and I did. Maybe I should have convinced her that we can work things out, but by that point, I knew I couldn’t. Billie was too furious and she wouldn’t listen to me. Even if I begged, and begged, she wouldn’t listen. So I left her all alone in the kitchen.
“Babe, I’m sorry,” I whispered before the door closed.
My life sucks, sorry you had to read this but I don’t know who else to talk to. You’re probably not going to read this but at least I tried
Yours truly, scratch that. I don’t want to sound too formal with you.
Your friend,
Youngbae