(no subject)
I've been doing horrible. I don't even want to think about it. I hate myself. Tomorrow I'm back to being on track because I haven't felt this sick with myself in a while. Fuck. I hate this fat I hate it! Why can't I controll it. When I'm in control I feel so great. I see results almost instantly. Now it's gotten to the point where I'm not even hungry and I eat. What the hell is wrong with me. I have to start getting serious. I'm not starting college with all the beautiful sorority girls as a huge cow. I won't do it. I'm gonna get some laxatives and a lot of red bull tomorrow and hopefully that will satisfy my appetite. Maybe for lent I'll also be inspired to not eat. Even though I'm not catholic or anything. Fuck what the hell is wrong with me? I feel so ugly and undesireable. If anything is going to whip my fat ass in shape it will be when I'm sitting alone on Valentine's day because no one loves me because who loves such a huge piece of lard. Tomorrow it's all over. I can get through school fine without eating, then I'll work out at the gym, then I have a student council meeting and then ballet. I'll be good until 7:45 without any food. It's just the few hours between coming home and going to bed that I have to worry about it. I'll read Shape magazine or browse through the Victoria's Secret catalogue for thinspirations. If I don't go tomorrow without eating I don't know what I'll do to myself.