group dynamics anxieties
I feel dissembled. I've been picking and pruning and destroying myself physically, and now I feel emotionally unsheathed. The whole time the other group, in my Group Dynamics class, was having their experiential conversation, I felt anxious, trying to plan what I was going to say. Trying, essential, to figure out how to avoid exactly what I was feeling at that given moment. But isn't that the point of the class? We're, tentatively, supposed to be trying to be present in the here-and-now. My general disposition is such that I feel like a Mad woman: I'm anxious, uncomfortable, disconnected and confused about myself, battling my identity and emotions, trying to avoid attaching to my feelings, trying to identity myself and the influence of my past. I'm scared. I'm afraid of myself. I don't know how to feel. I need more help than I've ever been willing to admit.
Yet, to reach out and reveal myself as this vulnerable, weak, broken up person is almost too much to bear. Before group I just kept on thinking about how I've been struggling with being a good girlfriend. I'm trying not to be a psycho, to not be so sensitive. Also, I'm trying not to connect with my boyfriend on the level of being so judgmental of others; I want to be compassionate for others. Today though was really about my body! I Hate my body today. I ate too much the last two days and I had a very hard time stopping myself; even though I literally told myself to slow down, I couldn't do it. Then, looking in the mirror, all I saw was someone less than perfect. Someone who began expanding right before my own eyes. Someone who looks good in a reflection in a window one second, then the next looks like shit in the bathroom mirror. I can't decide whether to hate or love myself today.
But I want to love myself. I need to. I feel so vulnerable, alone, separate from my group now, and all I have is myself, and the desire for Chinese food at home. I need to calm down, set aside my homework for another time, and give myself some love.
Because when I don't feel confident and I don't love myself, the rest of my world begins to crumble.
I feel broken up right now. What can I do to resolve that? I really want to watch that show. I do want food, but I know I don't really need it so I'm going to try to drink lots of water and some tea. I should probably meditate too.
And tomorrow, I'll workout, because that'll make me feel confident about my body again, and I'll get a lot of my homework done tomorrow, to take the pressure off my weekend.
Yet, to reach out and reveal myself as this vulnerable, weak, broken up person is almost too much to bear. Before group I just kept on thinking about how I've been struggling with being a good girlfriend. I'm trying not to be a psycho, to not be so sensitive. Also, I'm trying not to connect with my boyfriend on the level of being so judgmental of others; I want to be compassionate for others. Today though was really about my body! I Hate my body today. I ate too much the last two days and I had a very hard time stopping myself; even though I literally told myself to slow down, I couldn't do it. Then, looking in the mirror, all I saw was someone less than perfect. Someone who began expanding right before my own eyes. Someone who looks good in a reflection in a window one second, then the next looks like shit in the bathroom mirror. I can't decide whether to hate or love myself today.
But I want to love myself. I need to. I feel so vulnerable, alone, separate from my group now, and all I have is myself, and the desire for Chinese food at home. I need to calm down, set aside my homework for another time, and give myself some love.
Because when I don't feel confident and I don't love myself, the rest of my world begins to crumble.
I feel broken up right now. What can I do to resolve that? I really want to watch that show. I do want food, but I know I don't really need it so I'm going to try to drink lots of water and some tea. I should probably meditate too.
And tomorrow, I'll workout, because that'll make me feel confident about my body again, and I'll get a lot of my homework done tomorrow, to take the pressure off my weekend.