suffocate me with love - G
I'm being spoiled with Greg time. :-) He came out to Brooklyn last night and we went out for Aaron's birthday party at some ridiculous club. It was really fun getting ready together and drinking on the train. However, I always regret how I act toward him when we're out with a group and I'm drunk. I always end up overreacting about something and getting angry for no very good reason; he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. My actions loom for days following, as I'm afraid I've ruined the entire night. I'm going to have to listen to the author of The Happiness Project and just trust that "poeple don't notice your mistakes as much as you think." And, realistically, if that is true, then I should probably avoid bringing it up at all anymore because I'm just reminding him of something that he may have otherwise disregarded.
We've been together all day, enjoying an utterly lazy Sunday. Not utterly in a negative sense, it's actually wonderful to just be lazy together, to relax, to not have a plan, to do things at random and just enjoy one another's company. In fact, we didn't stick to our plans At All, and that's okay because just being together makes everything enjoyable.
I'm so addicted to romance, addicted to taking ownership of that man who I adore so much, because I'm so afraid that any second he's going to vanish, never to be seen again. This is not realistic, I know this will not happen, yet I still have there illogicaly strong urges to hold fast to him. I start daydreaming, fabricating an imagined future, creating an elaborate fairy tale in my head. Within seconds I go from glancing over his body to transposing him to our future home. The room begins to morph - this is no longer my couch in my apartment, it is Ours, and we live here together, and we're going to make dinner together and go to sleep, and in the morning he'll still be here, and maybe he might even stay here Forever.
How did I develop such intense abandonment issues?
Ugh, the list of my issues goes on and on. But, that's for another time...
Greg's asleep in my bed. He's been so exhausted, sleep deprived for days, as per usual for him. I don't want to wake him because he deserves to get his sleep. I feel like I'm giving him a gift by leaving him in silence, asleep in my bed, because I'm really just so tempted to wake him, just to have him with me, if only to sit here on the couch with me in silence. It's so strange how sometimes when you're very close to someone, physically closer than you are all week long, you feel like you're at the furthest distance when you're not touching.
I ache to be touched by him. To hear his voice and see his facial expressions as he speaks. To touch the warmth of his very real, very present body. Sometimes it's like he's not real. Until I see him, hear him, feel Greg, it's as though he doesn't even exist.
Even now, as he sleeps a room away in my bed, I miss him so much. Now, I'm sad, and I want to go wake him, to ask him for attention, or at least just feel his hand holding mine. Or to be suffocated with his love.
We've been together all day, enjoying an utterly lazy Sunday. Not utterly in a negative sense, it's actually wonderful to just be lazy together, to relax, to not have a plan, to do things at random and just enjoy one another's company. In fact, we didn't stick to our plans At All, and that's okay because just being together makes everything enjoyable.
I'm so addicted to romance, addicted to taking ownership of that man who I adore so much, because I'm so afraid that any second he's going to vanish, never to be seen again. This is not realistic, I know this will not happen, yet I still have there illogicaly strong urges to hold fast to him. I start daydreaming, fabricating an imagined future, creating an elaborate fairy tale in my head. Within seconds I go from glancing over his body to transposing him to our future home. The room begins to morph - this is no longer my couch in my apartment, it is Ours, and we live here together, and we're going to make dinner together and go to sleep, and in the morning he'll still be here, and maybe he might even stay here Forever.
How did I develop such intense abandonment issues?
Ugh, the list of my issues goes on and on. But, that's for another time...
Greg's asleep in my bed. He's been so exhausted, sleep deprived for days, as per usual for him. I don't want to wake him because he deserves to get his sleep. I feel like I'm giving him a gift by leaving him in silence, asleep in my bed, because I'm really just so tempted to wake him, just to have him with me, if only to sit here on the couch with me in silence. It's so strange how sometimes when you're very close to someone, physically closer than you are all week long, you feel like you're at the furthest distance when you're not touching.
I ache to be touched by him. To hear his voice and see his facial expressions as he speaks. To touch the warmth of his very real, very present body. Sometimes it's like he's not real. Until I see him, hear him, feel Greg, it's as though he doesn't even exist.
Even now, as he sleeps a room away in my bed, I miss him so much. Now, I'm sad, and I want to go wake him, to ask him for attention, or at least just feel his hand holding mine. Or to be suffocated with his love.