(no subject)
it's nice to have found myself missing her. and touching her. and kissing her. and flirting like a school girl. :-[ it's nice to see her in her dark skinny jeans and black boots and some sort of army jacket and kiss her and cheek and play with her hair.
i've been overloaded with work for this week. i should have finished my shit like i set out to do last night. damnit. now i'm behind in mark's class so i have two assignments to do for him tomorrow. as well as an essay for next wednesday, which i definately want to do a rough draft of first and meet with him about on thursday or friday. also need to finish brainstorming my paper for ancient philosophy with carrie ann and get her a rough draft ASAP. hopefully before all else because i fear hers will be the most difficult to bullshit. poetry though, with the brilliant help of my ginger, Jenna, won't be as difficult as i had presupposed. yay? now throw a whole shitload of work on the side ontop of that, including another 200+ pages of tipping the velvet, a philosophy forum i MUST attend in wednesday night, and a new job to keep up with. hah. PERFECT timing to decide to be employed, eh? i'll be fine, i'm sure. ontop of my game, recently, it's about time i was tested with a challenge.
i miss my family more than ever recently. mostly my mom. i keep calling the house like every other night just to say hi and chat with her. she's an amazing woman and so full of life and loving. i miss her tres much.
i also miss my friends. and i've been having thoughts of my old ones. the ones i haven't talked to in ages and used to be So freakin close to. i saw wizz online the other day and realized we used to talk Every time the two of us were on, years ago, for many years in itself. we'd bullshit for hours, and he was one of the few of my guy friends who actually cared what was happening in my life and offered advice as often as i did for him. he'd come over to show me and my mom new additions to his car. haha. we'd have dinner and movie nights, sometimes disney movies! i freakin loved it. anyway, he's just one of many that i'm sad to have lost touch with and can't believe we both let it happen. :-( so strange how time changes us and tears us away from others.
i bought coffee the other day and hazelnut creamer. when i make it it fills the whole apartment with an amazing smell. it's how i want my own place to smell in the mornings and on my days off. ugh i'm dying to get my own place. i think i'll get it in early august so i can come down before classes start and enjoy the city in the summer. i want to go see shows and relax and people watch when there are sure to be people everywhere. it'll be lovely. and i can take time decorating and filling my place and making it my own. :-) I really would prefer to find myself a little studio apartment with a fair rent that i could have for years to come. i don't want to move around a lot. i'm ready to be settled in my own place already and to make a life of my own! i can't wait.
hah i'm going to be fired from my new job already. that's not really funny, i know. but i'm sure i'll find another one. and i don't plan on spending much when i go home for spring break. hopefully instead i make extra extra money for easter sunday and selling shots on the weekends. if you attempt to take a job there i will feel extremely disrespected and yet again have a large part of my life ruined with some thanks to you. so i would really appreciate it if you would not ask lana for a job. please. thank you. i've never needed money so badly in my life, and it's going to continue. until tomorrow at 9 i shall have only 50 dollars to my name. that's fucking pathetic. luckily i still have stocks to cash in. those will soon run out though and there are more and more things that are going to cost money. ugh.
i'm going to ask my advisor what one could do with a philosophy major. i'm doing really well and understanding everything almost thoroughly, to my astonishment. hah. i love writing and shit, but nothing has even made me feel more alive than the arguements and theories of these great philosophers. it's really quite interesting, and i find myself pathetically rehearsing some of mark's lectures to my friends when something comes up that reminds me of one of their paradoxes.
hah and to think i actually believed i had it all figured out. as though i had Anything figured out. i know nothing. i am learning more every day. about me and about others and about life. and fuck is it confusing. i had No idea which direction my life is leading. yes, i love creative writing, i Am a writer, but shit i'm a 'lover of wisdom', if you will, as well. 6 months ago i didn't even know what was meant by wisdom. i'm very happy to say that all the things i am So confused about and that have completely taken me by surprise are really quite exhilarating.
it's really nice to Know things. but it's also rather nice to Not Know, but to be aware that you are on your way to finding that which is unknown. the learning in the knowing is the most exciting. it opens your eyes and widens your grin when something makes sense and intertwines with other pieces of your life. a whole picture is being built before your eyes, and it's so great to see every piece itself so beautiful and exciting and new, and then even more beautiful is the whole picture that is to be made, but still is unknown.
hah. fucking poetry. fucking creative writing. and philosophy. ::sighs:: fucking love you.
i've been overloaded with work for this week. i should have finished my shit like i set out to do last night. damnit. now i'm behind in mark's class so i have two assignments to do for him tomorrow. as well as an essay for next wednesday, which i definately want to do a rough draft of first and meet with him about on thursday or friday. also need to finish brainstorming my paper for ancient philosophy with carrie ann and get her a rough draft ASAP. hopefully before all else because i fear hers will be the most difficult to bullshit. poetry though, with the brilliant help of my ginger, Jenna, won't be as difficult as i had presupposed. yay? now throw a whole shitload of work on the side ontop of that, including another 200+ pages of tipping the velvet, a philosophy forum i MUST attend in wednesday night, and a new job to keep up with. hah. PERFECT timing to decide to be employed, eh? i'll be fine, i'm sure. ontop of my game, recently, it's about time i was tested with a challenge.
i miss my family more than ever recently. mostly my mom. i keep calling the house like every other night just to say hi and chat with her. she's an amazing woman and so full of life and loving. i miss her tres much.
i also miss my friends. and i've been having thoughts of my old ones. the ones i haven't talked to in ages and used to be So freakin close to. i saw wizz online the other day and realized we used to talk Every time the two of us were on, years ago, for many years in itself. we'd bullshit for hours, and he was one of the few of my guy friends who actually cared what was happening in my life and offered advice as often as i did for him. he'd come over to show me and my mom new additions to his car. haha. we'd have dinner and movie nights, sometimes disney movies! i freakin loved it. anyway, he's just one of many that i'm sad to have lost touch with and can't believe we both let it happen. :-( so strange how time changes us and tears us away from others.
i bought coffee the other day and hazelnut creamer. when i make it it fills the whole apartment with an amazing smell. it's how i want my own place to smell in the mornings and on my days off. ugh i'm dying to get my own place. i think i'll get it in early august so i can come down before classes start and enjoy the city in the summer. i want to go see shows and relax and people watch when there are sure to be people everywhere. it'll be lovely. and i can take time decorating and filling my place and making it my own. :-) I really would prefer to find myself a little studio apartment with a fair rent that i could have for years to come. i don't want to move around a lot. i'm ready to be settled in my own place already and to make a life of my own! i can't wait.
hah i'm going to be fired from my new job already. that's not really funny, i know. but i'm sure i'll find another one. and i don't plan on spending much when i go home for spring break. hopefully instead i make extra extra money for easter sunday and selling shots on the weekends. if you attempt to take a job there i will feel extremely disrespected and yet again have a large part of my life ruined with some thanks to you. so i would really appreciate it if you would not ask lana for a job. please. thank you. i've never needed money so badly in my life, and it's going to continue. until tomorrow at 9 i shall have only 50 dollars to my name. that's fucking pathetic. luckily i still have stocks to cash in. those will soon run out though and there are more and more things that are going to cost money. ugh.
i'm going to ask my advisor what one could do with a philosophy major. i'm doing really well and understanding everything almost thoroughly, to my astonishment. hah. i love writing and shit, but nothing has even made me feel more alive than the arguements and theories of these great philosophers. it's really quite interesting, and i find myself pathetically rehearsing some of mark's lectures to my friends when something comes up that reminds me of one of their paradoxes.
hah and to think i actually believed i had it all figured out. as though i had Anything figured out. i know nothing. i am learning more every day. about me and about others and about life. and fuck is it confusing. i had No idea which direction my life is leading. yes, i love creative writing, i Am a writer, but shit i'm a 'lover of wisdom', if you will, as well. 6 months ago i didn't even know what was meant by wisdom. i'm very happy to say that all the things i am So confused about and that have completely taken me by surprise are really quite exhilarating.
it's really nice to Know things. but it's also rather nice to Not Know, but to be aware that you are on your way to finding that which is unknown. the learning in the knowing is the most exciting. it opens your eyes and widens your grin when something makes sense and intertwines with other pieces of your life. a whole picture is being built before your eyes, and it's so great to see every piece itself so beautiful and exciting and new, and then even more beautiful is the whole picture that is to be made, but still is unknown.
hah. fucking poetry. fucking creative writing. and philosophy. ::sighs:: fucking love you.