The Sun Will Set For You...
I just don't know how to feel.
At times I am so annoyed with him and how he has made me feel that I feel like doing something stupid, something that will hurt him deeply but Im not like that. I don't beleive in retaliating anger with anger.
At times I feel abit sad, sad that Im pretty sure it's over and the last 4.5 years will fade away into another sea of lost memories for me but then I remember that the love between us left awhile ago and that even if we do make up, I'll never have that same Brendon that I fell in love with a long time ago.
I can honestly say I don't love him anymore.
It's not just the different opinions in housework and cleaniness, obviously.
It's the fact that I don't feel loved or wanted anymore by him. I haven't felt wanted or loved for the last few months, probably going back even longer if I sit and think about it. The last big gesture from his heart I can remember was him taking me to "The Lookout" for my birthday last year and a few years ago I remember him getting me flowers after we had a big fight.
Now Im not saying Im the kind of girl that needs flowers everyday but when you think about all the little things I do for him on a daily/ weekly basis to show my love, I can now see how one sided it is.
Everyday I will do little things that go unnoticed.
Cook him his favourite meal, cook him his favourite meal with lower calories, iron his shirts for the week, clean up his computer area, buy him things he likes when I happen to be out or more importantly I sometimes just randomly stop, give him a kiss and remind him that I love him. He never does this for me, he only ever says I love you in reply to me now. I can't remember the last time he randomly looked into my eyes and told me he loved me.
Im trying not to get upset. Getting upset won't help anything, I need to be calm and controlled about this situation. Crying and being emotional can all happen once we've decided what to do either way. At this point this is where my logical mind stands...
Him and I need to talk.
The talk will happen Saturday morning so it cannot upset either of us for work.
I will lay my cards on the table for him but in a non aggressive way:
I don't love you anymore and Im pretty sure you don't love me.
We've both changed and during the change I think we've both grown apart from one another.
We are just too different now, we clash in everyway.
What does he think/ feel?
If he wants to work it out, this will really depend on him. Im pretty much at the point where I've given up hope on this working perfectly anymore and he would have to really show me changes but who knows how he will feel about it. He may just make the changes I need but Im also not getting my hopes up for this. In all honesty I am almost at the point where I think ending it would be the best option but I am willing to let him speak his peice first.
If we end up agreeing like two adults to go our seperate ways then I will see if we can possibly still live together in seperate rooms until I can find a flat for me and the cat. If we can't then worst comes to worst I will board koga in a kennel and I'll go to mums until I can find something, Im hoping this wouldn't be long.
I've worked it out and budget wise I can afford a little $200 pw flat on my salary not a problem. I will be fine on my own.
He will probably move back in with his mum which in all honesty is perfect. She is lonely since Joe left and this way she can have him and he can have someone who has the energy and motivation to look after him 24/7.
So this is where we stand.
I am going for coffee with mum tonight after tea. One I want to fill her in and get her perspective on things (dads too) and get some support because so far I have only told Patricia at work and Im feeling slightly alone with all of this atm.
Not sure how things will pan out tonight when I get home. I hope to spend most of the night at mums and generally avoid him and speaking with him until the weekend. A talk during the week will mess us both up.
I plan to just try and be civil but keep my distance and keep things going as they usually would between us. Distant, friendly and civil.
Once again I will keep you posted...