What Is Wrong With Me?
Somethings wrong again.
And as usual I cannot pin point the problem.
I feel like I don't have anything anymore.
I feel like Brendon is slipping away from me and taking my whole world with him.
Somethings missing in my life and I need to figure out what in order to be happy again.
Brendon said something last night that got to me abit. He said that although he doesn't want to give up the drugs completely he really isn't that into them anymore and would rather put his money towards saving for things and such.
I should be happy.
This is exactly what I wanted him to be thinking a few weeks ago but I don't know it feels like were closing the drug chapter of our lives and I for one am really not ready to do that.
It's understandable Brendon is over it, he was an addict when I met him and now he's turned his life around he's finding things more rewarding than drugs and thats fine but I really didn't get to be a silly teenager till I turned 18 so for me that era has merely begun.
And Brendon is being really cool about it, he's said he is more than happy for me to have Kassie over and stuff and we can have little session however he just won't be always up for it.
So why am I letting that get to me?
Last night I managed to think of one thing that is upsetting me and contributing to my unhappiness.
I really don't have friends anymore.
Yes Kassie is my best friend and I love her dearly but I don't get to see her alot cause we're both always busy.
And then there's Chrissy.
I actually really adore Chrissy and I think she is someone I would like to get closer to but, I don't know I guess Im abit apprehensive about trusting someone to that degree again.
Last year Chrissy (Other, dance teacher chrissy) was my entire world and I loved her to an insane degree and I really thought those feelings were mutual but when her relationship to Dan collapsed and I didn't hear from her again I knew that was not so.
Chrissy was my friend when she had no one and when her world opened up and new people came in she didn't need me anymore.
Loosing Chrissy hurt me more than I make out to people. I try to act like I don't care, like I don't need her anymore. Sometimes I even pretend that I hate her for all the annoying little things she did that used to get to me.
So you see I now find it hard to connect with anybody.
I want friends so badly, I want to have that small handful or even just one special person that knows me inside out and loves me unconditionally and whom I can just talk to about absolutely nothing.
But everytime I go to invest my emotions in a person something holds me back.
Something deep inside my gut sucks the emotions back in and I end up not wanting to try at all for any sort of friendship.
How do I get over this?
Maybe I need to just bite the bullet and throw my emotions out there again. Maybe friendships are like relationships and after a break up you need to grieve but eventually move on.
Maybe I should test Chrissy. Tell her Im in need of a friend and that Im incredibly lonely and tell her exactly how I've been screwed over by other friends before and see how she reacts.
Im really unsure.
I do know one thing that is getting me down. Brendon and I have lost our "Puppy Love" and were becoming just a couple. I've never reached that stage in any relationship where you become more like companions rather than lovers and I have to say I don't like it.
I don't want to be like my parents, sleeping in seperate bedrooms and never kissing or hugging, that's not a relationship thats a friendship.
I want to be one of those elderly couples you see in the newspaper celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and still looking and acting like lovesick teenagers at the age of 70.
I've told Brendon that I feel were loosing our love and he's agreed to help me get it back, he doesn't want to loose it either.
Well I feel slightly better jotting this down. I just want this day to be over so I can go home and relax.
May check in later, may not.
Caio xo
"Im safe, Im high, nothing can touch me...
But how do I feel this good sober?
No pain, inside, your like perfection...
Why do I feel this funny sober?"