Confessions
I figured I should write in here while I had thoughts going on in my head. I realized something just about 5 mins ago, or well actually questioned myself about something. Im wondering if Im a good friend? Do I actually trust anyone fully? Well, to tell youthe truth I think there is probably just one person that I fully trust that I dont know judge me or I can tell anything and that is Mike. This really makes me wonder if Im a good friend though because Im not sure if I completely trust my friends. I sometimes wonder if when we are talking if they are thinking things that their just not telling me and when I tell them something if they are going to tell anyone else, and at the time Im not really thinking this, but later on it comes to me. I have a trusting issue. Im not really sure who I can and cant trust for the most part. Something inside just doesnt feel right. Have I ever been 100% honest with anyone?....Granted Iam the most honest person you will probably ever meet but I mean also general as to what Im feeling and going threw and what I have been threw? Right now I feel like a conderdiction of myself. Last night was Red Knight night and my friend and I had made plans to go, but turned out that she couldnt go because her mom had to work late shift so she didnt have a babysitter and there was no way the son's father was going to take him for the night ..........Well, I heard today that she was out to the Red Knight last night. That bothered me, because when she was telling me why she couldnt go, I was subconciously thinking shes making excuses and she will end up going. I knew she would have some excuse as to how she ended up going. Truth or not. I was questioning her in my mind. I do that with a lot of my friends, but why? Iam really messed up. You know also, I think that maybe I have a lil bit of a problem with commitment?....because Im afraid to be with one person for years and years, but I think what Im scared of is routine. That everything is going to be the same everyday. But then again , I dont like change in the sense of friends.....when friends move away from you or start a life without you kind of thing, I like things the way they were before. Does that make any sense? If I dont trust my friends fully, does that make me a bad friend? You know something that I do that I really shouldnt, Is that when a friend tells me something and trusts me not to tell anyone, Well...no dont get me wrong I do go around saying anything but I do tell someone...Mike. I tell him everything. Does that make me a bad friend? I tell him because I do fully trust him, I dont find myself questioning him in my mind with anything. I dont feel that when I tell him something that he is judges me. Hes a really good friend. He's kind of like a guy best friend, actually he is my best guy friend... that I can talk to and go to for advice and thats what I do. I can talk to him about anything. Talk to him better than I can probably talk to myself lol Im so glad we have a great friedship like that. Hes actually one person who when he tells me something I dont tell anyone else, and thats because I dont fully trust everyone else. A few weekneds ago him and I went to the Red Knight together and everyone was asking if we was dating!.....Like 2 people of the opposite sex cant go out together without being together, know what I mean? Besides who business is it? Geez. Nobody that asked if we was together actually believe we was just friends. Seriously though Mike & I are just friends and yet because we hang out and go to the Red Knight together (actually which was the first time) that must mean we are fucking right?!? Geez. Why is that people assume people are sleeping together when its 2 people of the opposite sex hangin out? I dont know. If anyone could answer this please....let me know.