thinking out loud
Okay, so I write a lot, is that so wrong? I mean help me out here. Isnt that what a journal is for? To write what whatever it is you want no matter how long or short it is? Some people dont have a lot to write, I do. Is that so wrong? Yeah now I know why I havent been getting very many comments because people cant take more then 3 mins to read something. I could understand if it was something to awfully boring! Wait a min....is that saying my stuff is boring cuz people dont comment on it and take the time to read it, so it is boring? I know some of it can be but no all...right?....anyways.
I was cleaning my room yesterday and I was cleaning up my cd holders, found some older cds that I burnt a while ago and started to listen to them, amasing how some songs even if you havent listened to them in a long time that you still remember the lyrics and they can still make you think of the person it always has. Sad actually. Got me to thinking about my love life, or should I say lack there is of one. Kyley and me well Im not going to go back there again , I did after my birthday and I mean it was fun but it was like it was a few days after again its all bull shit what he has ever said to me. Gordon comes home from work and goes on about how Kyley talks at break at work how he slept with this girl and that girl and what not and I know he does it to bug me cause Gordon knows it will but I mean I dont want to hear it you know. Go figure though I shouldnt expected anything different from Kyley, I wish I could be with him in the sence that he was nice to me and we got a long good and talked a lot but I cant trust him and thats not right so it would never work. Love is so hard, I mean you open up to someone and you give your self to them and you feel safe with them and then boom something changes and Im always left devastated wondering what happened most of the time. It sucks you get comfortable with them only to be left and have to do it allllll over again. Love is definetly a battle field. Im a sucker for it though, its a weakness I dont like to be alone and I guess something I think to myself Id rather not be along and un happy then a lone and un happy...you know what I mean but I dont I think Im a conderdiction of myself cause I say one thing and then say somethign different and do totally different. I am a emotional wreck , a definetly rollar coaster ride thats for sure. I have ups and downs and everything. Some days I cant even stand myself. I dont know why I dont like to be alone, I guess I like being held and kissed and felt that Im wanted. I miss that a lot. Out of everything I miss that the most of relationships, that and being comfortable with someone oh yeah of corse the sex too lol Loneliness sucks big time but the problem with me is once Im with someone I do everything I can just to make it work even if its falling a part I still try just cause I dont want to have to go and get comfortable with someone else... Why is it so hard for me to find someone? Am I meant to be alone? I know that relationships mess me up , I hate remebering things after and the feelings I get and crying cause its over it just makes me not want to beable to remember or feel. It makes me sick. All your left with is the memories and they are worst then anything cause you cant get rid of them I know I can never forget, I can forgive but never forget and I dont know which is worst, or better. To forgive or to forget, but I dont evenr forget what has been done to me because that way I can stop it from being done a second time and I tell myself that I wont let that person back in to do the same but I usually do so I set myself up to fall and no one to fall back on. I hate what guys have done to me. Its like they didnt feel or cant cause they dont care about anyone but thereselves. Obviously they didnt care what they did to me and if they did they didnt care to much to not do it. Thats why I have so much trouble with trustin' guys, cause they always say one thing and do another. I mean so do I but not when it can hurt someone else, I would do anything to avoid hurting someone else's feeling. Id hurt my own first. It sucks having your heart broke. It sucks to love. Yet it is a good feeling when you have it. As I said before with good comes the bad I guess God somehow thinks that evens it out. I dont really think its fair but what can I do.
Anyways I have wrote again too much , so Im gonna end it here.
I was cleaning my room yesterday and I was cleaning up my cd holders, found some older cds that I burnt a while ago and started to listen to them, amasing how some songs even if you havent listened to them in a long time that you still remember the lyrics and they can still make you think of the person it always has. Sad actually. Got me to thinking about my love life, or should I say lack there is of one. Kyley and me well Im not going to go back there again , I did after my birthday and I mean it was fun but it was like it was a few days after again its all bull shit what he has ever said to me. Gordon comes home from work and goes on about how Kyley talks at break at work how he slept with this girl and that girl and what not and I know he does it to bug me cause Gordon knows it will but I mean I dont want to hear it you know. Go figure though I shouldnt expected anything different from Kyley, I wish I could be with him in the sence that he was nice to me and we got a long good and talked a lot but I cant trust him and thats not right so it would never work. Love is so hard, I mean you open up to someone and you give your self to them and you feel safe with them and then boom something changes and Im always left devastated wondering what happened most of the time. It sucks you get comfortable with them only to be left and have to do it allllll over again. Love is definetly a battle field. Im a sucker for it though, its a weakness I dont like to be alone and I guess something I think to myself Id rather not be along and un happy then a lone and un happy...you know what I mean but I dont I think Im a conderdiction of myself cause I say one thing and then say somethign different and do totally different. I am a emotional wreck , a definetly rollar coaster ride thats for sure. I have ups and downs and everything. Some days I cant even stand myself. I dont know why I dont like to be alone, I guess I like being held and kissed and felt that Im wanted. I miss that a lot. Out of everything I miss that the most of relationships, that and being comfortable with someone oh yeah of corse the sex too lol Loneliness sucks big time but the problem with me is once Im with someone I do everything I can just to make it work even if its falling a part I still try just cause I dont want to have to go and get comfortable with someone else... Why is it so hard for me to find someone? Am I meant to be alone? I know that relationships mess me up , I hate remebering things after and the feelings I get and crying cause its over it just makes me not want to beable to remember or feel. It makes me sick. All your left with is the memories and they are worst then anything cause you cant get rid of them I know I can never forget, I can forgive but never forget and I dont know which is worst, or better. To forgive or to forget, but I dont evenr forget what has been done to me because that way I can stop it from being done a second time and I tell myself that I wont let that person back in to do the same but I usually do so I set myself up to fall and no one to fall back on. I hate what guys have done to me. Its like they didnt feel or cant cause they dont care about anyone but thereselves. Obviously they didnt care what they did to me and if they did they didnt care to much to not do it. Thats why I have so much trouble with trustin' guys, cause they always say one thing and do another. I mean so do I but not when it can hurt someone else, I would do anything to avoid hurting someone else's feeling. Id hurt my own first. It sucks having your heart broke. It sucks to love. Yet it is a good feeling when you have it. As I said before with good comes the bad I guess God somehow thinks that evens it out. I dont really think its fair but what can I do.
Anyways I have wrote again too much , so Im gonna end it here.