Nine
[private to self/hackable]
Miss Zaheela was kind enough to let me stay over one more night...I didn't think it was a good idea to go back and try and reason with Jas while this curse was still upon us. I'm just glad that it's over now and I don't go on spewing things about bunny slippers and romance novels. God, that was embarassing.
I hope Jas isn't too angry with me.
[priave to self/hackable only to Hook with a lot of effort and only if Hook really, really, really wants to know]
I went and had tea with Miss Adeline today. I....I didn't know some of those things about myself that I said. Either that, or I just didn't want to admit them.
I'm not sure what is happening to me...this City is effecting me in ways that I did not expect. I look a lot younger, obviously, than I am, and though it is not a bad thing, it does not seem to be a good thing either. It seems that with this younger body, though I can move quicker and think quicker (although there is still no way I could beat Jas or Pan in a fight), that I am more rash. I was more rash when I was young, but not as I was when I first came here.
I...I did not mean to speak out against Jas. I really didn't. And yet...I don't feel that Miss Zaheela did anything wrong. In fact, she was defending me against that irritating nuisance and...well...it didn't harm Pan at all, so I'm not sure what the problem was, exactly. But...
I defied Jas. I defied Captain Jas Hook! The very man who has been my Captain for....oh, who knows how many years?! For christ's sake...
I have never done that before. Never ever ever ever ever in my life. One part of me feels a glimmer of pride for standing up for myself, and yet, at the same time, I feel awful and uncertain. I...I'm not used to this. I'm not the strong one nor the brave one; I never have been. That's always been Jas. I am just there to help him when he can be neither strong nor brave. Which, granted, is only rare moments, but they're moments none-the-less when I can feel needed. But there have always been times when I've felt next-to-useless.
I can't fight Peter Pan. The boy would surely run me through. There's no way I could ever fight Jas. Maybe in a spar, but nothing serious. Jas is far stronger and far more skilled then I am. Besides I...I'm not sure he's fully human sometimes.
That whole thing with Jolly...
I don't want to think about it. Move on, Smee, move on.
I just.....
I'm finding that I hate this City.
I hate the way it's causing me to be, the rashness it's making me feel. I hate that I'm uncertain of who I am now when, for so many years, I knew. I knew that I was Bartholemew Quigley Smeethington, First Mate to Captain Jas. Hook, Scrumpy Nonconformist and Scardy Cat. I knew who I was.
...Now I have no idea. And I hate it.
I'm sorry, Jas, for changing. For not being who I was. I'm scared. Please forgive me.
[Private to self/Unhackable]
I'm wondering, looking at people's reactions, if I should be more disturbed by the amount of people that Jas has killed? And yet, I cannot bring myself to hate him or dislike him or view him in any other light besides that which I have for many years. He is Jas. Hook...he is my friend and will always be. I hope. Nothing that he does will change that.
OOC note: Not effected by the curse, so it's an eensy bit angsty, but he'll be back to his happy Smee self in just a couple hours, so no worries!