Fourty-Four
Wishes. Doesn't everyone have those? Some are different than others, some are the same.
I have lots of wishes. Selfish wishes. Wishes to turn back the hands of time and make it all right. To prevent what has been lost. To change and to heal what has been hurt.
And then there are the wishes that I have to kill. To maim and murder and make them pay for the crime they have committed.
It's funny. Most people don't put me as the kind of person to do that, but when it comes down to it I am still a pirate. Not a very good one, perhaps, but I am one. And there are ways that I am selfish and want only for myself; for things that will make me happy. And yet, I am often too weak to execute them.
I often see Jas as a son. It's funny, because I do a horrible job of protecting him. I've got to be the worst parent on the face of the earth, but...he's my family. I was....nothing, and he made me something. I respect him, and sometimes fear him. But I know him. He is my son. Families do not need ties of blood to be made. I've found that familial ties that aren't blood are stronger.
I know...I have more people that I trust here then I ever have before in my entire life. Throughout my childhood and throughout my life. I never had any friends until I met Jas and Jolly. They were my first real friends. And they were and are my family. I should have done something. But in the end, there was nothing I could have done. There was nothing either of us could have done.
He's paid his dues! Let him go!
I want her to go away. I don't want her here. I hate her. I HATE HER. For what she did and the crime she committed. She is at fault, and I refuse to relinquish her of that responsibility. I refuse to forgive her for her crime. I REFUSE!
I...I am a pirate. I have killed people. Yes, the little, stuttering, cooking, pirate. And there are times I feel sorry for it, and times that I don't.
But...I don't think I ever felt more like a real person; someone that mattered, until I came here. I was just....Mister Smee. A scrumpy non-conformist. I really mattered to only one person, and that one person kept me there. It's what kept me from just throwing up my hands and giving up so many times.
Peter Pan, he...he's not what he was either. I can't say whether that is good or bad, it just is. He's....I never knew him like this before. Before, he was just an irritating child who had nothing better to do but bother us to no end and...
Are we still searching, Captain? We stopped searching once. I think only I noticed. So said you'd tell me when you found it; have you found it yet?
But...I've never felt so...human. It's...not a bad feeling, but neither is it a good one. I...I cannot be more thankfull for all the friends I have made, and wonder what it is they see in me. Perhaps what Jas sees in me, and what Jolly did? I don't know what that is.
There are times when I want to leave this City and never return. To run screaming. And then there are times I never, ever want to leave. I don't want to go back to Neverland and be what I was. I want to be what I am.
I....
I th-th-think I'm wrr-r-r-r-r-riting t-t-too much. Is th-th-th-there a c-c-c-curse? Oh b-b-b-b-b-bother!
[ooc: This curse is fuuuuun. I liked writting Smee's darker side. It was treat! Thank you, mods! <3]