love and agony
Ok this week is a horrible week for everybody... Crystal is killed in a car accident Sunday.. ok that sucked... so i've been goin thru that the last few days, and now today (tues) tim's grandpa dies, and i know i've been difficult and everything, but w/ tim i have no idea what to say, i mean i at least talked to him, even if it was mopey and kinda bitchy and stuff... but it just hurts so much... i feel so helpless.. he's so far away and i wish i could give him a hug or hold his hand and just tell him everything is going to be ok. he's been there for me this week, but i feel guilty bc i'm incapable of returning the favor. : ( I mean i love him so much, but what am i to do? I mean i wish he could be here for me, at least in the tangeable sense, since he's been there for me as much as he can be, and i adore him and appreciate it so much he couldn't possible comprehend it... I've never fallen for someone so fast, and had them feel even more of the same way... I just wish i didn't withhold myself so much, i mean i don't mean to do it, but i know i am reprehensive and i do kinda hold myself back a little bit, afraid to get hurt, but do you blame me really?? well even if YOU wouldn't I would. because i've done some really really stupid shit in the past couple years, well its debatable whether the whole taking chris back TWICE was the smartest thing in the world... everyone has their moments, and well when he told me it was over as i was hanging up on him today, cuz he was trying unsuccessfully to go off on me, well he got a taste of the inner bitch, and i was only strong enough because danny was there, and i know how much he put/ puts up w/ Cindy's shit, and i was just sick of it, and i needed to let him know how i felt and how sick i was of his bs, and everything. but then he called and called and explained and apologized and even tho when he told me it was over the first thing i thought of was tim, i know i am too weak to end it. I've dealt for so long its like second nature now, even though i know deep down, or really not that deep that its horrible and i don't deserve to be treated this way, tho i suppose chris treats me better than robert did. Tho i suppose robert had his moments, and never made fun of me when i cried, tho i don't think i did it more than once.. But i cheated on robert w/ kenny, and kinda tim depending on what you count as cheating (though i still remember the chocolates, and i think about that day all the time, every time i talk to him), and chris w/ andy( who i never really liked)... and i hate hate HATE that fact.. i mean i never wanted to cheat on anybody ever in my life... I didn't see myself as that kind of person, but somehow i've become that horrible horrible person, and sometimes i can't even stand myself for it. I think about how much i love tim, and how much i want to be with him, but then i think about chris, and the feelings i have for him, and i just feel horrible. i mean i don't know what i mean, i don't know what i'm thinking. i don't know what i am doing w/ my life, as much as any relationship.. I"m trying to get back into school, i'm scheduled to go take my road test friday, though i doubt i'll pass... tho chris is getting a taillight for my car so then i can drive it... though it looks like chris will be driving my car for a while, seeing as how his is such a peice... but yea i have so many goals in my life, yet i lack the motivation to complete them. tim says i'm amazing, yet he has his act together, he knows his goals, and he's pursuing them, i on the other hand view myself as a useless box of rocks, working a part time going nowhere fast job and nothing else. I can't get int he groove. every time i do, i'm booty bumped out of the conga line... I wish i had everything figured out, i wish i had a plan, and a way to execute it, and i wish i had balls, cuz then maybe this would all be a hell of a lot easier.