While Alie's Away....
First of all, your Moment of Zen: "Hey, I'm a cow. I'm curious. Hey watch me now, I'm furious. Hey, I'm a cow I'm full of hate. Hey watch me now....I'm on your plate!!!" ~Barenaked Ladies - Tiny Little Song
So I did one of those "I'm torn" moments tonight. Alie and I were getting ready to watch a movie when she noticed that her friends are getting ready to go out to a party. Maryette was getting changed, so Alie naturally helped Maryette pick out her outfit. When she returned, and as we started to get situated, I asked the sort of question that burns in every guy's head at some point, which is, "I see her everyday, and everyday we rest and relax. Although I don't have any clothes that will fit the party, Alie does. Maybe she wants to go to the party too because she hasn't had an opportunity to be with her friends a lot this year. So maybe I should do the super cool awesome guy thing and ask if she wants to go to that instead of hanging out with me tonight." So I did, and after a brief conversation, Alie decided to go to get ready to go to the party. I, not going, started to pack my things up, and once they were I said goodnight and that was pretty much it. I was kind of distant when saying goodnight, even after I had said that I wouldn't be mad letting her go off and party without me. I got to the middle of her campus when I decided to turn back. I was being an idiot really. Maryette said that they would be at the party for only about an hour or so, so it didn't make sense for me to hop in my car and go home. It would have been just a waste of gas, and worse. I could have gotten angry at leaving and then I would have taken it out on her. So I turned around and made it back to her dorm before she left. So that's where I am, long story short, in her dorm finishing some little things and writing in this bad boy.
But I can't deny this feeling I have. This obsessive guyish feeling that I shouldn't have given her that option at all. I think it stems from the whole concept of wanting someone to do what you want them to do, but you know that they will choose the other option and you're going to have to deal with that thing. It's manipulative and selfish. I realize that I too haven't seen a whole lot of my friends since I started really working, and I haven't spent too much time at my house because I've been with Alie. Perhaps internally I'm thinking, "there's a place and time for romance. Right now, you want to be romantic with letting her be happy. Let her be happy."
However, the situation still results in me being alone in her room, waiting for her return. Wondering whether or not she's going to be back at the time she said she was going to be back, or if she's going to be out for a couple hours longer which may result in me getting upset and going home anyway. Which would suck because then I would be upset with her, I wouldn't be able to sleep, all because I told her that she can go out with her friends. I love this girl, but I can't help that sometimes she doesn't know about the thoughts and feelings that I have going through my own head. As fickle as they are.
So this isn't supposed to be an entry about whether or not I made the right decision. I'm still stuck in thinking that she belongs to be happy and out. I haven't been able to provide with a whole lot of outside entertainment this past month. With me working as much as I have been, and not really receiving a paycheck for the past two weeks with rent coming up, money has been tight. Real tight. So tight that I've never felt this poor in my life before. Hopefully there is some relief in sight. Money with Alie has been tight too. She too won't receive her big check until mid-October, so we're just two poor people having to have a "date" in our bedrooms snuggled up tight instead of out and about. But because money has been so tight, I've been working a lot to try and get ahead of the game. This week for example, I've worked everyday except for tomorrow. I see my time with Alie short because although we see each other every night, we have very little time to be "together." Tomorrow is my day off, Alie has rehearsal in the evening, dad is coming up in the afternoon, Alie wants to see Sammo, and I want to take her to Yankee Candle sometime tomorrow too. Hopefully before it closes this time! So tomorrow is already booked with things to do, which leads for very little cuddle time or what have you. It's possible that I'm just too romantic for my own good.
Obviously these thoughts will be shared with Alie, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. But soon. But as now it is 30 minutes later than she said she would be back, I'm really hoping that she returns before I get too tired and upset to think rationally. If she doesn't return before the next hour comes up, then I have a feeling that I will get all huffy, focus on what I will call Alie's selfishness, and lead to a result of just making things horrible and stupid on my end...Obviously my thoughts are not focused right now and I'm pretty sure that that last sentence made me sound really possessive and one of those "guys" that are pretty much dicks. I try not to be a dick; I think that's worth a start trying to oppose that guyish stereotype.
Anyway, I think that's all I want to say tonight. Anything else will just result in rambling and spiral disasters. I hope you all are doing well. Eating regularly and with healthy bowel movement. Why not, right? I mean, having a clean bowel might just be the thing that helps you with that kidney stone or later on down the road when you're 60 and still playing racquetball instead of sitting on the toilet running out of newspaper to read.
Now that I've left you with that image..See ya!!!
~B.
So I did one of those "I'm torn" moments tonight. Alie and I were getting ready to watch a movie when she noticed that her friends are getting ready to go out to a party. Maryette was getting changed, so Alie naturally helped Maryette pick out her outfit. When she returned, and as we started to get situated, I asked the sort of question that burns in every guy's head at some point, which is, "I see her everyday, and everyday we rest and relax. Although I don't have any clothes that will fit the party, Alie does. Maybe she wants to go to the party too because she hasn't had an opportunity to be with her friends a lot this year. So maybe I should do the super cool awesome guy thing and ask if she wants to go to that instead of hanging out with me tonight." So I did, and after a brief conversation, Alie decided to go to get ready to go to the party. I, not going, started to pack my things up, and once they were I said goodnight and that was pretty much it. I was kind of distant when saying goodnight, even after I had said that I wouldn't be mad letting her go off and party without me. I got to the middle of her campus when I decided to turn back. I was being an idiot really. Maryette said that they would be at the party for only about an hour or so, so it didn't make sense for me to hop in my car and go home. It would have been just a waste of gas, and worse. I could have gotten angry at leaving and then I would have taken it out on her. So I turned around and made it back to her dorm before she left. So that's where I am, long story short, in her dorm finishing some little things and writing in this bad boy.
But I can't deny this feeling I have. This obsessive guyish feeling that I shouldn't have given her that option at all. I think it stems from the whole concept of wanting someone to do what you want them to do, but you know that they will choose the other option and you're going to have to deal with that thing. It's manipulative and selfish. I realize that I too haven't seen a whole lot of my friends since I started really working, and I haven't spent too much time at my house because I've been with Alie. Perhaps internally I'm thinking, "there's a place and time for romance. Right now, you want to be romantic with letting her be happy. Let her be happy."
However, the situation still results in me being alone in her room, waiting for her return. Wondering whether or not she's going to be back at the time she said she was going to be back, or if she's going to be out for a couple hours longer which may result in me getting upset and going home anyway. Which would suck because then I would be upset with her, I wouldn't be able to sleep, all because I told her that she can go out with her friends. I love this girl, but I can't help that sometimes she doesn't know about the thoughts and feelings that I have going through my own head. As fickle as they are.
So this isn't supposed to be an entry about whether or not I made the right decision. I'm still stuck in thinking that she belongs to be happy and out. I haven't been able to provide with a whole lot of outside entertainment this past month. With me working as much as I have been, and not really receiving a paycheck for the past two weeks with rent coming up, money has been tight. Real tight. So tight that I've never felt this poor in my life before. Hopefully there is some relief in sight. Money with Alie has been tight too. She too won't receive her big check until mid-October, so we're just two poor people having to have a "date" in our bedrooms snuggled up tight instead of out and about. But because money has been so tight, I've been working a lot to try and get ahead of the game. This week for example, I've worked everyday except for tomorrow. I see my time with Alie short because although we see each other every night, we have very little time to be "together." Tomorrow is my day off, Alie has rehearsal in the evening, dad is coming up in the afternoon, Alie wants to see Sammo, and I want to take her to Yankee Candle sometime tomorrow too. Hopefully before it closes this time! So tomorrow is already booked with things to do, which leads for very little cuddle time or what have you. It's possible that I'm just too romantic for my own good.
Obviously these thoughts will be shared with Alie, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. But soon. But as now it is 30 minutes later than she said she would be back, I'm really hoping that she returns before I get too tired and upset to think rationally. If she doesn't return before the next hour comes up, then I have a feeling that I will get all huffy, focus on what I will call Alie's selfishness, and lead to a result of just making things horrible and stupid on my end...Obviously my thoughts are not focused right now and I'm pretty sure that that last sentence made me sound really possessive and one of those "guys" that are pretty much dicks. I try not to be a dick; I think that's worth a start trying to oppose that guyish stereotype.
Anyway, I think that's all I want to say tonight. Anything else will just result in rambling and spiral disasters. I hope you all are doing well. Eating regularly and with healthy bowel movement. Why not, right? I mean, having a clean bowel might just be the thing that helps you with that kidney stone or later on down the road when you're 60 and still playing racquetball instead of sitting on the toilet running out of newspaper to read.
Now that I've left you with that image..See ya!!!
~B.